Re: [LBJ] Flying Burrito Brothers rant

November 22nd, 2013

This is sort of an embarrassing story but my first girlfriend was a
burrito.

Actually she wasn’t a girl, she was a burrito, but I loved her at least twice before I ate her. All of the girls in my high school were into the jocks with their stupid isod shirts and pastel shorts, and I was getting quite lonely. I wrote a poem about the darkness in my heart but nobody cared. One night I went for a walk and passed a Mexican taco stand, and there for three dollars was a burrito, it was huge….she..was huge

I bought it and on my way home she looked so beautiful in the moonlight that I started to get feelings. I hid her under my bed for a week slowly pulling the plate out at night while my family slept, kissing her hot sauce very gently.

One night I got a little high on weed and we made out for hours to my horror the next morning she was gone. I thought she left me, until my stomach started to hurt then I realised my crime.

I was devastated for months until I met my second girlfriend…..a stack of chocolate chip cookies.

your pal Randy

Men, Porn,Hanson,and Sexuality

July 8th, 2011
I just read an article called Porn desensitisation a growing issue in a hardcore world By Naomi Wolf

In the article Naomi talks about the new surge in powerful men getting caught sexting or with mistresses and the male brain and what damage porn has on boys and men. Naomi points out our choice, and our addiction. Naomi talks about how porn lets out dopamine in the brain and that makes us feel good. But she does bring up the subject of us being responsible for our choices. And by this I mean, men being responsible for our choices.

OK, first off. A women writing an article about men’s sexuality is as valid as me writing an article about why women act the way they do during menopause. I could write an article describing why women get emotional when they are pre menstruating, but everyone, and I mean everyone would agree that I was off my rocker and I could never understand how women feel. And they would be right.

What would be even more insulting would be if I suggested that women be responsible for their actions while they were pre menstruating.

We live in a world where we are held up to a spiritual higher power. We are not looked at as people from the natural world, this is why for the most part, things don’t make any sense. I’ll give you an example.

Let’s say two men fight over a property line. The fight gets out of hand and somebody gets hurt. By Gods standard these two men are Evil, and something must have taken control of their spirits to make them behave so badly. You will never be able to understand what got into their heads. Why they would act like that.

If you look at it that we are in fact apes, the whole situation makes perfect sense. Because that is what apes do.

Two men, one hot chick, a bar, and some drinks. We can all conclude there will most likely be a fight.

What Naomi is trying to do is to explain why Rams butt horns. Dopamine means nothing to the Rams I promise you.

I suspect that this whole thing is in fact much deeper. I suspect that like all women in all relationships she knows the truth. and is trying her hardest to change the populations ideas on the way we see women. For one thing, never, and I mean never, ever in all of the articles about porn do women talk about the other women in porn who are getting paid a lot of money to turn men on, all over the world. What about those women choices? They can choose to not be photographed nude or filmed sucking three dicks at one?

I’m glad they do I would never want them to change.

I think women know that they are always holding on to a thin thread when it comes to their husbands and boyfriends. they are afraid because It is a sexually unequal relationship. I’ve said it before Gay men are equal, the rest of us suffer.

Men need to stand up. Anthony Weiner and Tiger Woods and Arnold, should have walked up to the microphone and said.. Which one of you ladies want to fuck me? The line would be out the door. Instead they slobber and cry and go into some fake ass therapy. while their wives get half.

The day I get the money and power I’m going Hue Hefner like a mother fucker. Shit, I do it now, when I go to massage parlors I always take two chicks. Why get just one when you can get two?

It is the reason I’m so excited that Chris Hanson got busted. it’s not that it validates child fucking, it”s that that judgmental asshole who made a career about busting men and asking “What went through your mind?” couldn’t help himself. Sweet young ass got the better of him. So much so that he took a picture of his penis and texted it to a women. Not his wife by the way.

Why are we made to feel bad about our sexuality? Why? because it’s not like theirs? Fuck that.

Women I have something to say to you and I want you to really really think about it. Look outside, go for a drive, whatever you want. take it in. Then think about this.
Every single thing you see. Every building every truck every road everything…men did that shit. That toilet you used, we invented that. This doesn’t mean that we are better then you by any stretch, I’m trying to make a point so calm down and listen….

We made all that shit, every boat, the pyramids, cars trucks toys fireplaces bricks nails tacks yarn electricity shoes phones TVs news slacks underwear combs brushes you name it. we did that shit. And we did it on our own. We thought it up and we made it. You know why?

To get fucking laid.

if you’ve got have a brain you’ll invite your girlfriend over tonight and make her blow your fella, He deserves it. Your relationship deserves it. And he will love you more then you’ve ever been loved in your entire life.

and that’s nothing to be afraid of

Your pal Randy

Arnold the Weiner

June 7th, 2011

I never really liked Arnold as a governor, until I found out he was banging the maid, and I’ve always like Wiener who is in the shithouse now for sending pictures of himself to the ladies on line.

here’s my question. Is anybody surprised? Even a little?

First off. Why is this such a crime? We’ve got millions of years of evolution of men trying to fuck everything that moves. And now it’s nothing but shame. Why did men let this happen? The list goes on. Tiger Woods, blah blah blah.

The only time I have an issue with it, is when they are super right wing assholes trying to take away gay peoples right or something and then they get caught sucking somebody dick in the bathroom. But I still don’t get why we have this charade.
Men need to stick up for themselves or we are doomed. We are all going to be forced to have Justin Beiber hair.

I was tipped off to this when that stupid queer eye for the straight guy show was popular. A whole bunch of gay dudes got together with a wife and they conspired to take the man out of their husbands, made him tuck his shirt in and everything and then the wife cried at the end of the show because her husband turned gay for her.

is this what women really want?

The answer is no it’s not. Woman want to have their man slap the guy trying to make him wear a purple silk shirt and dive through a window with both middle fingers extended and get the fuck out of there.

early man used to get together and go hunting, not because the family was hungry but to get the fuck away from the women who won’t stop nagging. This is never going to change. never, and it shouldn’t.

Men are men, take it or leave it.

You can be the prettiest women on earth and the coolest. We still want to fuck your friend, the ugly one. You don’t believe me? I have two words for you

Elisabeth Hurley

UI rest my case.

Stand up for yourselves guys It’s time.

Bill Clinton did a pretty good job even though he fucks fat chicks, It doesn’t matter. It never did

your pal randy

Racist Dogs

May 16th, 2011

I walked out of a coffee shop this morning in Lake Merritt California. I was already a bit on the aggressive side as I watched some yuppie parents and their children take over the racket of begging, this was some stupid baseball club or whatever. Standing on the sidelines were the usual homeless people, also watching as those cute little kids filled their buckets with dollar bills. This corner was obviously a hot spot for collecting sympathy money. And those kids who have everything they could want in life were raking it in. Stupid Berkeley Moms stood proud as their children edged the needy to the sidelines.

I left the coffee spot and knelt down to pet a dog while ignoring a goofy kid waving a bucket at me and then went on my way. Apparently a homeless man, a huge black man with hoodie on walked over to pet the dog and it snapped at him. It was loud too I turned around and the man said “I guess he doesn’t like me.” While I crossed the street a proud white Berkeley mom escorted a little black baseball kid to get him even more stuff, walked beside me. The boy asked why the dog tried to bite him and she said that his owner was probably racist and a racist owner makes a racist dog. Not, “I don’t know”. Which would have been the truth, she had to fill this kid with her stupid baggage. Anyone who knows anything knows that some dogs need to be approached a certain way. Like for instance I knelt down which is less intimidating, the list goes on.

The truth is that the older I get the more I hate people. I wish it wasn’t true. I hate how people generation after generation do the exact same thing. They achieve nothing personally and fill the void with Children. Children are great, I’m an uncle It get it. But you’re still going to die and your child is a garbage producing machine. These California idiots will have three kids and then stand on the corner and talk about how to save the environment. Never knowing how full of shit they are. Now some poor little kid thinks that dogs can judge him because the color of his skin while that stupid fat white bitch eats another cookie and feels superior. I cannot express how much I hate most parents. And if I did what I wanted which was slap that stupid whore in her mouth as she shoved another cookie in, everyone would think I was crazy. That’s the sick thing they wouldn’t cheer and run over and kick her in her fat ribs like they should. People, produce something useful in your life.

Paint a picture, learn something, do something for you. Enrich your lives, travel, have crazy sex, keep active, mentally and physically. Please, please please don’t be like your parents. They fell in love had you, and then began to eat for three. And seriously, when was the last time you called them? In the end you die alone, don’t kid yourself. Stop thinking that being alone is bad. I love to be alone I’m surrounded by people all the time. When I go and sit by myself I don’t need to check my phone to see if there are more people I should talk to. Or more importantly I don’t have the need to fool the people watching me that I have friends.

Your pal Randy

TV be gone

February 17th, 2011

The only thing worse then tv, is kids. Scratch that, I mean Parents.

I’m so sick of my fucking generation of parents and their worries about their stupid children. Today’s parents ruin everything. They ruin everything because they are afraid of what it might to to their children.

I’m sorry that you’ve left the cool pool and now you have to go home to your kid. I’m sorry that you are afraid that the banana splits show might make them feel bad, because the gorilla on the slide is ugly.

When we were kids my brothers and I snuck into the movie Grizzly. It was the first time I saw tits and blood and it was in the same scene. My brother and I used to wake up in a cold sweat screaming about Grizzly, until my mother figured it out and realised that we snuck into a rated R movie.

She didn’t lecture us or tell us it was just a movie. She made us go out and pull weeds from the garden for the rest of the summer.

My point is that we needed it, and we loved it.

When we were kids you got a fucking cake and a toy on your birthday, and the immediate family was around to witness it. Now you have to hire a helicopter and Evil Keneval because your kid is turning six.

Your Not making better people. Your making the cast of Willy Wonka and your stupid child is fat and stuck in the chocolate pipe.

Having kids isn’t amazing. Getting a strand of semen to go from one nipple to the other on a hookers breasts is amazing.

Get over yourselves and grab your kids by the hair, drag then into their rooms and tell them to shut the fuck up or you’ll come in there, and make some cool kids for once.

Also, TV is Gay watch porn. It’s much better for you.

God I miss you people

your pal Randy

GAVATAR

February 9th, 2010

Well I finally saw Avatar, and I have to say it was amazing! For everyone who worked on that film..Hats off to you. Really, really amazing. I didn’t even mind the over used story, as I feel like it would be hard to swallow something that visually groundbreaking with a really fresh new story that was hard to follow. I loved Pandora Loved the creature anim, the whole thing….

my one criticism is that James Cameron stole the story from me. I showed him a ruff draft of a movie I was writing where gay men would use beautiful women Avatars to bring boys home from the clubs and then the women would fall down like old laundry and gay men would jump out of the closets and say “Well how about me?”

it was called Gavitar.

your pal Randy

Tiger Woods

December 2nd, 2009

Tiger Woods said he let his family down with transgressions he regrets “with all of my heart,” and that he will deal with his personal life behind closed doors.

The truth is, I never liked Tiger woods.

Until now. Actually that’s not true. I liked him for half a second when I found out the he was banging a cocktail waitress. I mean think about the words “cocktail” they go together. But now I don’t like him again because he did what any asshole money whore would do, he apologized so he could keep his sponsors.

First off, I hate sports and couldn’t give a shit about Tiger Woods. But I think there is a much bigger problem going on here and I’m sad to see it happen over and over again.

People apologizing about getting laid.

What the fuck? What are you apologizing for?  Being married? If that’s the case, he should apologize for all the times he jerked off in the shower while his wife made him breakfast.

I’m sick to death of men having, or more importantly faking sorrow over indiscretion. There is no such thing. And if your in a relationship I’m sure your partner wants you to be faithful to them and love only them, and it’s a bunch of bullshit and everybody knows it, especially your partner and that why they don’t like you going out on a Friday night.

Us monkeys need to get over the bullshit.

life is about getting laid. If you think your partner doesn’t want to fuck their office mate or some asshole they saw in the streets then you’re an idiot. If you think it’s wrong to go out and fuck somebody if you’re in a relationship, drop me a note and I’ll set you straight.

your pal Randy

David Carradine

June 5th, 2009

When I heard about his death I have to admit I was a little bit sad. Although I was never a real big fan of the kung fu show. I loved him in Kill Bill and a shitty horror film called Q. But then this morning I heard that he didn’t commit suicide, but rather died masturbating. And for this I love him. Now, lets be clear, nobody knows if in fact he was masturbating or had some Thai prostitute tie him up and work is elderly sack, but I don’t think that matters.

Here is what is really important. At seventy two years old you can still play “slap the helmet off the pink retard.”

I would rather be know for eternity as a guy who died jerking off over a guy who committed suicide. And that’s a fucking fact.

I also want to take a minute out and praise men for our sexual longevity. I’ve always been a little upset that women who have the ability to fuck multiple people every night of their lives, don’t really want to. And as a guy with a healthy sexual appetite I’ve spent years fucking logs and stuffed animals and anything that would let me. I always felt like it was unfair.
Until I realized that although women have all of the options in the world, those options dry up quite quickly at thirty five, then your just a talking ape at that point. with a whole bunch of “Blah blah blah” and “you know what I think?? and a whole lot of who the fuck cares, because you look like yoda now.

we get to fuck twenty year olds until we’re eighty( even if we have to pay for it) and maybe even die cuming on somebody tits.

It is in fact a beautiful world

Your pal Randy

Tea

April 14th, 2009

When I found out that Republicans were hosting “Tea Bag parties” I was really excited, and I wanted to host my own, and really express how I feel. Then I figured out that these were different “tea bag parties” and I have to say I’ve been a little down ever since.

It does bring up something quite interesting. And that is how far out of touch Republicans really are. I mean I know that they are afraid of gay people, and non white people and poor people young people and sex and freedom of expression, and I thought that these tea bag parties were a step in the right direction. There is nothing more expressive then dunking your balls onto somebody’s face, and if you’ve done it, you know what I’m talking about, and I think you do.

But as it turns out. It’s a party where a bunch of idiots talk about buying more guns and how we are all communist now.

The truth is, that I love how upset a lot of Republicans are. As soon as Obama won the election, I turned right to the talk radio shows, and even though there was a time where I couldn’t stand to listen to Shawn Hannity or Bill O Reilley. Now I can’t stop.
I can listen to them blather on about how upset they are for years on end. Eight years to be exact.

The only thing that could be better, would be to go on their show and dunk my ball on their faces but I don’t think that they are ready for that.

Your pal Randy

Mike has gone to Pot

February 6th, 2009

Michael Phelps and his bong.

Michael Phelps and his bong.

USA Swimming, the nation’s governing body for competitive swimming, said it was withdrawing financial support for Phelps and barring him from competition during the period of his “reprimand.”
“This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming-member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero,” they said in a statement.

What’s funny about this is that after I saw the bong picture, he became my hero. Before that, I couldn’t give a fuck about Michael Phelps. To me, a hero is someone who can swim faster then anybody else, and also hold in a gigantic bong hit.
I’d like to send a strong message to USA Swimming, by blowing a plume of weed smoke in their faces, for being such assholes.
On this note I want to talk about my man Rush Limbaugh. I know that a lot of my “Lefty” friends are getting upset with him, because he wants Obama to fail and Rush is a racist. I also know that a lot of people don’t like his point of view on things, and to that I want to say, I’m with you, he’s an asshole. But I give him slack, because he’s a fat drug addict. You can’t really take things that fat drug addicts say to heart, because….well because they’re fat drug addicts. And why would Rush “Just say no” when donuts are so fucking tasty.

your pal Randy