tuff America

Ok, I have a question.

Why does everyone in America think they are tuff? What’s the big deal here. I feel like everywhere I go I see people acting and looking all hard. What is the appeal? I have always been a bit of a sissy, and to tell the truth I have never been in a fight. That’s a lie, in the fourth grade I fought a guy named Skip Sniffen, and I kicked his ass, but I still feel ashamed about it, because he was a stick with arms.

I was in a diner the other night, and it was in Echo Park. It was what I call a white people’s diner because it was filled with hipsters. Hipsters, for those of you who don’t know, are people around my age that are all hip. They usually have nice bodies, and they wear cool shirts that say stuff on
em, and they wear corduroy jeans and belts and have earrings in their lips. Basically it’s the only look that white people are allowed to have because we’ve been such assholes for the last four hundred years. and back in the Eighties we blew it by dressing like Duran Duran.

Anyway. Now that Black kids took over our culture, and guys like Emenem are trying to be cool, everybody looks and walk and talks, like they are Ghetto. Even my grandmother, who is ninety five, was like “Wassup Blood” and she was all hecka hella and shit. And I said “grandma you look stupid with your pants hanging off your ass and your hat all twisted to the side, and what is hecka hella” and she was like. ‘It’s all good and shit.”

So I’m in this diner and I noticed that even the girls were tuff. they had Dyke haircuts and were dressing ugly and they were going to take no shit. then I got in my car and a guy in a gigantic Truck was all tuff as he drove by me all pissed that I was going to slow.And he was on the phone like an asshole. And it got me thinking, that America has a real self esteem problem.

We, America, that is, needs to get laid. People only act like that when they need to get laid. Not me, I look like I’m about to cry and I start to run around with my hands out yelling “Hurry” but I’m different. I wish we would drop this tuff guy thing all together. And you women need to stop fucking tuff guys. I know they are cute and they are edgy, but knock it off, you’re rewarding all the wrong people.

ps

I also think that anyone who writes for Disney shouldn’t get laid, but that’s another story.

your pal Randy

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