Over the Hedge

Randy and Ebert

Ok, I got pulled into a screening of “Over the Hedge” last night, and someone needs to die.

Lets start at the beginning. I smoked two, count em, two hits of weed. I was so scared, I could barely get my free bag of popcorn, because I thought I was going to freak out on the candy girl, but anyway, my point is, I was about as ready as you can get for an animated feature.

Now here is the bottom line. Why hire all of those great voice talents, and those where some of the best you could get. Why hire such great voice actors, and animators and TD,s and effects artist, when you are going to choke it to death with writing almost worse then Disney? Why?

Do me a favor. Make an hour long film of your limp penis with a strand of semen slowly dripping down into an open eye. I would rather watch that. Thank you.

Here is an idea, you know all those jokes that Disney has been using for the last twenty years? You know the ones, the ones that put traditional animation into it’s grave? Don’t use those jokes. They suck.

Ok here is the plot, it has spoilers so beware. A bunch of talking animals annoy the shit out of me for what seems like ten hours, and then credits roll. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll buy the dvd, but that is just so I can pause it on the credits and take name so I’ll know who to shoot from the Bell tower.

Now, I know what it’s like to work on a shitty movie. I worked on Matrix 3, and that yawn was heard all across the planet. They had to come into the theater and wake people up after that movie. I know what it’s like to work you ass off and find out that you just worked on The Haunting. Believe me.

But this is too much. Here is the rule, ok? If you make a movie with Robots, Planets of apes, and animated characters, and I’m bored, you suck. As a matter of fact you suck dick. You suck more dick then all of the gay porn, in san Francisco, during Gay rights Parade.

Please people. Don’t kill this medium. If you’re not Pixar, take a lesson from them. Write a story, care about your story, and then re write it again and again, until you have something worth telling. Don’t just jump on the bandwagon and make a Pixar rip off, because sooner or later people are going to get sick of it. Just like the did with Open range, and Brother Bear, and everything else. And if you don’t know how, (which you don’t by the way), spend your money wisely.

Give it to me. I’ll spend it on something more worthwhile, like hookers.

Your pal randy

Note: I saw “Over the Hedge” and enjoyed it more than I expected to, especially the bit with the squirrel and the energy drink. Not something I’d tell my friends to watch, but not something I’d avoid watching if it were placed in front of me.

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