The Poseidon Adventure

Look, I don’t want to get off, on a sour subject, but I figured out that I’m a hateatarian this morning and I feel bad about it. When I was a young man, I wanted to get laid all the time, and I used to go in for all of that peace and love nonsense, because that is where you can get a girl stoned just enough for a blowjob. So I was into it. I felt like we could all get along, and love each other, and look past race and greed, and all of the people like me could get together. And fuck.Well, that didn’t happen did it. It turns out that bitches don’t like out of shape guys, who cum too quick. With fat bodies and hair on their backs with acne. And all that world peace bullshit didn’t get me any kickback.Now I’m a bit older, and if I can say so, I feel like I’ve grown up a little. Especially when it comes to women. Now I don’t waste any time trying to get them to like me, I just masturbate.

But anyway. I saw the Poseidon Adventure the other night, and I realized that during the scene where the boat tips over and all of those people were dying, all of those women and children, and husbands and fathers, were flying through windows and walls on fire, I realized that was happy inside. Maybe it’s because I was thinking about all those people on my commute to work. maybe I was thinking about the writers for Curious George, maybe it’s because I watched Mtv that day, and I saw about four rap videos, I don’t know.

When I walk into a bar nowadays and I see white kids with the thin beards and their hats off to the side saying stuff like “You know what I’m saying” I pray that we go to war with Iran, and China.I pray for a draft. And I pray hard. When I watch the news and my main man Bill O’Reiley opens his mouth I wish a gigantic tidal wave would take him out right through a plate glass window, and that a building will fall on him, and that the last thing that happens is a stream of urine splashes in his face as the building lands on him.

Am I the only one?

When I drive down the street and I see huge, fucking fat people in gigantic trucks, with Kentucky fried chicken in their hands, on the phone, I want to see, one of those alligators come up out of the everglades and get a meal in, one of the best and most fulfilling meals they will ever have.

It’s not because we are fat, it’s because we are fat, stupid, and incredibly arrogant.

I quit eating meat a couple of years ago, I know, I know, I’m a fag. I don’t eat fast food, and I hate most of the vegetarians I meet, because although they are thin and beautiful, they wont blow me.

I’m a hateatarian. But I do love you people.

Your Pal Randy

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