Author Archive

helping people

Monday, September 10th, 2007

People always ask me if I could do anything, if I had one wish what would it be?

Would it be helping starving children? Or cure Aids, or cleaning up the environment? Or maybe making the world a safer place for children?

The answer is of coarse, I’d take a shit on Rob Zombies face for his remake of Halloween.

And I have to tell you people, it’s the one time that I’d wish that I had diarrhea. Badly.

Now the truth be told I’ve kind of always hated Rob Zombie, mainly because a good friend of mine was in White Zombie, and they told me nothing but real horror stories about how he screwed just about every artist that worked for him, and everything that you contributed he owned. Kind of like those dicks over at Disney.

But now I hate him because he has ruined something that I have always liked. That being Halloween.

Now, let me help that stupid asshole if he ever gets a chance to read this letter. Next time you are ruing a good movie, and you want the killer to be badass, try having him kill innocent people.

They spent the first half hour of the movie showing a young Mike Myers and his family, and unlike the good one, done a long time ago . Rob, decided to make Mikes parents the kind of people you would want to kill. First off everyone in the movie has long hair. If that’s not stupid enough. But then his step dad is an alcoholic and curses at everyone, it’s just plain awful writing.

See in the original movie his parents weren’t important, therefore they were in the movie for two seconds. And they weren’t cruel people, they were loving parents who gave birth to a monster.

It makes my man Mike all the crazier. Because there is no reason for him to go on the killing spree, except that he is evil. See?

I won’t get into the rest of the movie. But I will say this.

Fuck you Rob Zombie. Go back to music and make a Rap album.

your pal Randy

Senator Craig is my homeboy

Thursday, August 30th, 2007

God, do I love republicans.

Now, those of you who know me know, that I don’t really affiliate with any Political party. The only party’s I like, are fuck parties. But I want to give a special shout out to my homie Senator Craig for trying to get some gay sex while he was on the potty.

I’ve been watching the news in hopes that they would show at least a dramatic reproduction of him getting banged while on the toilet, but nothing so far. And Fox news is only covering fires and dogs lost in drains for some reason.

Anyway, the thing that I noticed is, that nobody hits the real point when they talk about Ultra Conservatives who fall off the band wagon.

The fact is that they never really believed any of that shit from the start. They are just bullshitting to get votes and get in power. Just the same way that most of the times that I fooled a women into giving me a blowjob, I was lying about something.

It’s like when I watch the religious channel, there isn’t a moment when I think that these people believe in all of the bullshit that they say, they don’t. But Lying to millions of troubled people and stealing their money right out from under them, tax free might I add. Is a hell of a lot better then working at the deli.

Now I know that Senator Craig may have said some bad things about people who are gay. And maybe he even went out of his way to make life more difficult for people who don’t have traditional Family values, but did you people get a look at his wife next to him with the sunglasses on?

She looks like ET with the wig on. Of course he needs some dirty sex on the toilet with a man. That doesn’t mean he is gay. It just means he didn’t have time to get a hooker.

The Republicans are the best, I thank them, and I wish them luck.

your pal Randy

The looney Liberal Left

Friday, August 10th, 2007

One thing that has always bothered me about the tactics of the tv news opinion anchors, Like Bill O Reilly and that turd Shawn Hannity, is how they paint the Liberal Left as crazy and bad for the country. I have to give it to them, because they are really smart, at least smart enough to cause the Left a lot of damage.

For instance. When one of those pieces of shit, talk about the Left, they talk about how it hates America because it won’t completely support George Bush or something like that, then when they want to execute a candidate, Like lets say Barrack, they say stuff like.” Barrack has been seen at a convention where the Looney far Left is, you know the people who hate our country. Why is he hanging out with these people.”

But they never really have a good explanation as to why the far left is really bad for the country. Except for the fact that we hate America or some shit.

Now I’m Liberal, as a matter of fact, I’m more liberal then most people. Politically, I don’t know shit. I’m pretty dumb to politics and world events, any asshole can write a email with a whole bunch of facts, and I’ve got nothing to say. I don’t care about facts.

But I’m really, really liberal.

Now here is the fucked up thing, and proof that all if it is bullshit..

Shawn Hannity and Bill O’reilley are a lot more Liberal then me. Tons more as a matter of fact.

For instance. I am really conservative when it comes to gun control. Those guys are about as looney left as you can get when it comes to people owning guns. I think that right should get fucking torn off the constitution, and every one who has a gun should get rounded up and slapped in the face, and then peed on in public. Fuck you, we’ve taken your rights away.

Those guys are pretty Liberal when it comes to people having guns.

Also, I think it should be illegal to practice religion. I think all religions and all religion people should get chased down the street by people with Science books and we should be allowed to stone them to death by throwing science books at them.

Every sigh everywhere since the beginning of time, has pointed to the fact that religion is not just bad for us, but really bad. Every War, ever kid fucked in his little hiney, every idiot who kills their fucking family and last but not least every dummy who even tries to talk about God and not sound like an asshole. Which, by the way is impossible. ( I know you’re afraid to die, Me too! get over it. Nobody needs your bullshit about a better place.) I’d believe you more if you told me that ET was going to come and eat my Recess Pieces.

Shawn Hannity is Extremely Liberal when it comes to God and talking about all of that stupid shit. So is papa Bill and the rest of them.

They are also very, very very Liberal about the USA invading a country that didn’t attack us and the people responsible getting away with Murder.

I could keep going but you see my point. Don’t let them fool you. Everyone is Liberal about something. There really is no such thing.

I love you people. Remember try and go out tonight and score some ass. And if you don’t mind me saying so, try and mix it up, maybe a flavor that you haven’t had yet. The world needs us to get together and fuck like animals.

Your pal Randy

Murdock owns everything

Tuesday, July 31st, 2007

I’m glad that Rupert Murdoch is taking over the wall street journal. As a mater of fact, I hope he takes over all of the news. You want to know why?

Because all of the news fucking sucks already. It’s all just a pile of bullshit. First off, like I said before. It’s all bad news. People just love bad news. It’s crazy to talk about masturbating, which I do anyway, It’s crazy to talk about pleasure, but it’s ok to talk about the people getting their heads cut off by the terrorist that we created.

And for those of you who are worried that having Murdock owning all the news might destroy our country, I want to point out that our country sucks the big cock now anyway, So who fucking cares about that.

USA has become fat and bloated and tired. We suck as a nation. We might be better then a bunch of other places, but we suck compared to what we were and what we could be. We are a toilet that needs to get flushed.

So I say, fuck the news, those assholes can have it. I couldn’t care less. As for me, I spend my life and my time the way that everyone should.

Trying to get laid. I smoke more weed then Bob Marley, and I only pay taxes because they take it from me. I do what I want every day of my life, and I’m not afraid of Black people or gay people, as a matter of fact I love the ones who want to fuck me. Those are my kind of people.

Your pal Randy

Re: Murdock owns everything

Tuesday, July 31st, 2007

Actually, I would love to hear Randy address this one. I already know the answer, but something about the way he puts things….

Randy, if you wouldn’t mind, could you squeeze in a history lesson between masturbation and/or pot smoking sessions?


Thank you for that compliment. Unfortunately I vowed to myself to never reply to anything Joseph writes again after uncovering that even angry washed up hippies would attack Star Wars geeks behind the safety of their computers. So I wont.

But I will say this. And this is a theme that I can’t stress enough. The news, like everyone else is just a whore. But unlike a good Whore, at the end of getting fucked, you don’t have an orgasm. You just get fucked. I usually watch that stuff for material, but I am finding it harder and harder to eat that bowl of shit. Because it is all a bunch of bullshit.

For instance, if I watched the news all day, I would be shown all of the horrible things that happened today. Killing, sickness, poverty, Racism, all of it. But if I sat outside on my lawn today, which I did, I saw an amazing sky, and a beautiful day pass by. Maybe even wave to a couple of neighbors.

Maybe there was a time when it was good for you to watch the news. But it isn’t anymore. And the people who tell you that you aren’t informed if you don’t watch it, can suck a dick, because who wants to be informed on sadness and hate and fear. I’d rather watch a nice day go by.

In the end it’s all the same. When you die you are still the sum total of all of the things that you have done, and seen and felt. Some people would have you live in fear and hate because they have found a way to make a lot of money on it.

the more simple of us, don’t know that it is stupid to drive a gigantic truck and have a sticker on it that says “support the troops”. They just believe what they saw on tv. And in a way I wish I was more like that because to not know, is awesome.

The one thing that is consistent is that whoever is running the show, knows that the best way to keep people from looking under their rock, to see what they’ve been up to, is to keep people separated.

This is exactly why sex and drugs and music are always under attack. These are always things that bring people together. Most of the women who will fuck me are wasted. This is why I love drugs. and we all know that the Government loves drugs too, because of all of the drug pushers on tv, drugs and cars two biggest commercials.

Unfortunately, the drugs they push don’t make women slutty, and that’s why I’m against it!

The best that we can do is flip them all the bird and go get nasty. Get out there and try and find some people that we can get naked. Get intimate with people that you hardly know. Feel good. More importantly. try and make other people feel good. and after a great night of ass hunting, when you get home and you couldn’t score. Don’t worry, there is always tomorrow, tonight, sattle up to a good porno and get yourself off.

Rupert Murdock has made maybe a hundred close friends feel good.

Jenna Jamison has made millions of Americans feel great!

and I’m gonna go see her tonight.

feel good people

your pal Randy

Man Jailed For Putting Family’s Faces On Porn Pics

Friday, July 27th, 2007

A Utah County man will spend six weeks in jail for editing sexually explicit photographs — to include faces of family and LDS community members. Lance Rushton, 37, was sentenced to spend 45 days in jail for creating the bogus photos, which he even uploaded to the Internet — where they remained for approximately a year. After serving the sentence, Rushton then must wear a GPS tracking bracelet for an additional 45 days.

I guess it’s wrong what he did. But I think it’s great. I’m so sick of the USA’s stance on sexuality. I mean to catch a predator on NBC, with all of those assholes getting caught trying to fuck a thirteen year old, just busting these poor slobs, over and over again.

Now I’m not saying that it’s ok to fuck a thirteen year old, but I feel like those people on Nightline are just giving us half the story. First off, let me just say that I’m glad that out of all of the fetishes that I have, kids aren’t one of them. For the reason alone, that even when I talk to a twenty year old I want to fucking kill them. With those stupid pencil rap shit and the “You know what I’m saying?” shit every three seconds, I’m sorry, but I can’t relate. I couldn’t imagine trying to have a conversation with them just to get to some teen ass.

But, nobody can deny that men like ass, and a lot of it. It fucking wasn’t wrong back in Rome to score some teen ass, was it? It wasn’t wrong back in Egypt, to score some teen ass, and those muthers built the Pyramids. It’s only the last four hundred years, that we have these rules, and, if I might say so. it seems as though they aren’t working. I thinks it’s wrong to portray these people as being sick.

It’s not sick to have a teen on a fucking billboard with tight jeans on looking at you like she wants to fuck. That’s ok.

Also, and I know this makes people upset, but in america, nowadays, most of the people who have nice bodies, are teenagers, and by the time we hit twenty, we’re fucking disgusting. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying, think about it.

Personally, If you want to know what I really think, I think that people need to be more intimate. Sexuality brings people together. I’f you are a racist white asshole and you hate black people, the minute that a couple of sisters work your penis like crazy, is the minute that you will start thinking clearly. Whenever I tell this theory to women they get all bitchy and act like their vaginas are sacred. I tell them to go home and watch Oprah.

Men have ben giving up arms and legs and dying and being burnt to death and all sorts of tragic shit for your false sense of freedom. All I’m asking is that you fuck someone who your not attracted to. Big deal, I try and do that every weekend.

get it on people

Your pal Randy


Friday, July 6th, 2007

Let me start out by saying that I saw Transformers last night. Then let me end by saying that is a lie, I fell asleep and then left the theater last night. I want to go on the record, and say that the effects are ILM ish great effects. I thought the effects were really, really, good. I did sense a bit of Jar Jar over animation on some of the more rascally robots, but in general, the effects were quite good.

The story and acting, sucked a good dick though. But it didn’t just suck a good dick, it worked it. I’m not gay, but I do know that if you want a great blowjob, you need to go to a man. Because gay men are the only people who really actually want to give great head. Porn Stars get paid to do it, so it doesn’t count. This story sucked dick in the gay men way, it really worked hard at sucking dick.

The only way I can even begin to describe the story and acting is to say that if you walked onto a Aerosmith video shoot, and told the director of the video and the actors that on that very day, they would have to fill a three hour movie, and then left. that is the level of story that they would come back at you with.

the only overused character that they left out, would be the incredible femme friend who makes caddy comments about maybe their outfits. I think he would have gone well with the over energetic black friend who wont stop screaming things until he gets a laugh, Which unfortunately never happened. “Ima eat all these donuts girl” “What aint nobody laughing?” I’m a say Whoo hoo at the top of my lungs” “Whooo Hooo”

“That donut is going straight to my waist ”

Going to your wait” I’m say whooo hooo”

they could have had conversations like that. I know actors need work, but I’ll tell you, if a director came up to me and asked me to stick a hose in my rectum and wear Mickey mouse ears, I have to think about it.

Now don’t get me wrong, of your six years old and haven’t seen the same formula that they used in the American Godzilla movie over and over again, I’m sure you could look past all of this, and just watch the robots.

But for me, I’d rather be stuck in traffic

your pal Randy

What I love about GOD

Friday, June 29th, 2007

The thing that I think is so funny about people opinion of God, or at least the people who annoy the shit out of me, is that they believe that God is cruel enough to send you to Hell for some eternal torment if you question his existence, but he seems to be ok with you if you totally fuck up his planet.

God is weird that way.

I mean your average person who truly believes in, not only God, but the harsh God who punishes sinners who believe in evolution, also believe that how they live is just fine with the big cheese.

Like for instance. I will go to hell if I believe in evolution, but if I believe in God, it’s ok that I eat animals three to four times a day,God is completely ok with the slaughter of millions, and I mean millions folks, of animals a day, and I throw away three time my body weight in garbage a week and burn off all of the recourses he created for me. and fuck it I litter like a bitch!

You would think that the evolution thing would be at the bottom of his list, but God is just crazy like that.

And I love him for it.

Your pal Randy


Wednesday, June 6th, 2007

Jim Henson. The thing about that guy, that I find most amazing, over all of the other things that are said about him. Is the fact that nobody I know, or have ever talked to, dislikes the fucking Muppets. I mean, Mickey Mouse, the icon, is hated by some people, I’m not saying that they are right or wrong, I’m just saying that Mickey Mouse bothers some people.

But not fucking Kermit.


Now I know that anyone could write back and say that you don’t like the Muppets, or that you in fact hate Kermit, but I don’t fucking believe you. Forget it.

That’s because the Muppets ruled. Ernie and Burt, unbelievable

Also, most of us who are reading this work in a field where you have three to five people commenting about your stuff, and you are spending Months making the shit look right.

and Ernie had mouth open and mouth closed. Ran the entire emotional range, happy to sad, to anything. Open and closed. Genius.

Our shit looks good people, don’t get me wrong. The stuff that has been coming out is awesome.

But you can’t beat some arms hot glued to sticks.

Your pal randy

Fat fuck kid

Wednesday, May 30th, 2007

Fat hog like child kills majestic animal with a handgun.

I think this should be the title of the story, but it’s not. Now there is talk that the animal isn’t really that big, but I’ll tell you what the real tragedy is.

It’s that the fat little boy didn’t even get mauled by this amazing animal. Personally I wish the Gigantic Pig killed this little asshole in front of his parents before killing them, but I never get my way.

This story is proof of a couple of things. Number one. Any eleven year old can kill something if you have a gun. And number two people suck dick. First off, and lets be straight, I have said this before. I believe that anyone should be allowed to hunt anything they want. Even exotic animals like Tigers and Gorillas,

with a knife.

You want to hunt lions, go right ahead. I would love to have seen this picture if the kid had a knife. The little fat boy would look like red tissue paper.

Also, I think it should be a crime to be able to get fat eating meat.

Think about it for a second. That fat little kid, doesn’t he get enough to eat? It sure looks like it. I like to see that kid get fat on a fruit cup. It’s not possible. Now I’m not making fun of fat people. But getting fat on other animals misery is fucked up.

Why is it that we have no respect for anything? I bet you that fat little piece if shit believes in God. Can you imagine how stupid you would have to be to believe in God, and kill animals? Or have them killed for you?

Also, what is this desire we have to kill shit. I’ve never looked at an animal ever in my life and had the desire to kill it? When I was a kid I used to eat it, but that’s because I was stupid see, and then I grew up and actually thought about things, then I changed my ways.


The only desire I have is to fuck women, that’s it. That and have some ice cream. Sometimes both.

I really wish that people would start to see life for what it is. I wish that people could see what it is that they are doing, and eating, and knock it off.

I know bacon taste good, I don’t disagree. But put the fucking sandwich down you fat fuck and have a fruit cup.

Your Pal Randy