Author Archive

Re: [LBJ] Flying Burrito Brothers rant

Friday, November 22nd, 2013

This is sort of an embarrassing story but my first girlfriend was a
burrito.

Actually she wasn’t a girl, she was a burrito, but I loved her at least twice before I ate her. All of the girls in my high school were into the jocks with their stupid isod shirts and pastel shorts, and I was getting quite lonely. I wrote a poem about the darkness in my heart but nobody cared. One night I went for a walk and passed a Mexican taco stand, and there for three dollars was a burrito, it was huge….she..was huge

I bought it and on my way home she looked so beautiful in the moonlight that I started to get feelings. I hid her under my bed for a week slowly pulling the plate out at night while my family slept, kissing her hot sauce very gently.

One night I got a little high on weed and we made out for hours to my horror the next morning she was gone. I thought she left me, until my stomach started to hurt then I realised my crime.

I was devastated for months until I met my second girlfriend…..a stack of chocolate chip cookies.

your pal Randy

my night with Bush

Friday, May 16th, 2008

I don’t really like to talk about this, because I’m shy. But one night last year, Bush tried to fuck me.

Well, here is how it happened. I got invited to this party, it was a Hollywood fancy shmancy party. I get invited to those every now and again, because of my animation celebrity status. George Clooney was there and so was my girl Angelina and Brad. They are nice really. Well I was at the dip and I was trying to console my girl Jen, she was pissed that Brad brought you know who, and I was trying to talk her down. Jen was going to dump a whole dish of avocado on her lap and tell Brad to call her when he gets a life.

I was telling her that it’s ok, and there are new horizons, and that I’d bang Vince over Brad any day. Well in walks you know who. Carl Rove. He was all sweaty, and he had a whinny the pooh shirt on and his pants were like two sizes two tight. Well Carl was hand in hand with my boy Senator Craig and Senator Craig had on his “I fuck for Lobsters” shirt on, and I knew right away, they were looking for trouble.

I paid no attention to then, turned my back, and just kept talking to my girl Jen. Well all of a sudden, I feel this hand go right between my legs and I heard someone whisper in my ear. ” Let’s get you to the toilet.”

The next thing I knew, Carl ,Craig ,and you know who,had me in the bathroom. My head was all jammed up in a toilet, I was terrified! Now lets get something straight. I’ll fuck just about anybody, but you’ve got to get me romantic first. Throwing me down in a toilet is not it. Bushy, as he likes to be called has his thing out, and even with his erection, the cap was just barely sticking out of the pubes! It was gross.

Lucky for me, I had a diner plate stuck down the back of my pants(just in case this sort of thing happens) and his little penis hit that china plate, and oh my god you should of heard him scream!

Well as it turns out My galboy team Branjolina was in the toilet next door making those twins, and Brad, came in there and fucked shit up.

He punched Carl Rove in his tits, and he screamed and fell on his belly. Craig tried to make a run for it, and he got the plunger in the ass. He did coo like a dove for some reason. Well just then Angelina jumped in and pulled Bushes pig mask off and he ran for the hills.

it was very close. I’ve never spoken of it to anyone until now.

I love you people

your pal Randy