Archive for the ‘Cars & Driving’ Category

Re: Poor Britney

Tuesday, September 11th, 2007

MTV has sucked since I was a kid. And for those of you who know me, know that was a long time ago. I’ve written many emails about by hatred of “Rap” or “hip hop” music, and I feel like it’s time for another one.

First off, let me explain something. I don’t hate all rap music. I hate almost all of it. See the difference? So don’t go writing me emails about how some bands are good. I know that. But there are a couple of country songs that slip past my hate margin, and I can say with all confidence that I hate country music. And I’m sure that most of you, aren’t going to give me a hard time about it. And that’s because like rap music, country music sucks.

let me explain.

Play a fucking instrument. Play some fucking music. Any, let me repeat that, ANY, asshole can walk around a stage lip syncing with a bunch of dancers behind them. And if you don’t think it’s true, then ask yourself how Justin or Britney are getting it done. What is it that Fergie talks about? her ass and her tits. I’m sorry but that doesn’t qualify as music to me.

Now I think that these people are talented and they should be in entertainment, but I think they should be in porn. As a matter of fact I think they should be in a new type of porn called “rape porn”. I’d watch Justin Timberlake if he was getting raped by ten or fifteen people, especially if he was getting punched in the face while getting raped.

Also, thanks to rap and hip hop, almost every asshole in America thinks that
they are “Gangsta”. This makes me hate it the most. Here is a good example. The other night I got into a road rage fight with this dude, who tried to cut in front of me, and I wouldn’t let him. First off, he was driving a PT Cruiser, and I’m not going to get racist here, but he was from LA before white people took it over and started making shitty movies, if you know what I mean.

Well, this dude drove up beside me and started calling me redneck and faggot and and Holmes and he was doing this thing with his hand that was straight out of just about every rap video I’ve ever seen. Then he told me to go back to the country that I came from, and when I asked him what country that was? He said Europe. Now, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Europe wasn’t a country.

Then he told me to get out of LA and that I could get shot for doing what I did, remember my crime was not letting Mr. tuff guy cut in front of me. So I told him that you can’t get shot from a guy driving a PT Cruiser, and he got really mad, and took off fast down the road. Poor little guy.

Now I know that Rap music doesn’t make people go out and kill other people, oh, let me take that back. I know that Most of the time, rap music doesn’t make people kill each other, but in this guys case, his whole shtick, his whole act, was supported by the music he listen to, and he had convinced himself that he was as tuff as his favorite artist.

My point is that most people who listen to Classical music don’t drive up to your car and threaten to shoot you. Doesn’t mean they aren’t assholes, but you get my point.

In closing i want to say that, I wish people would knock of being so arrogant, especially if you don’t know how to play an instrument, and I really wish that America would get of this stupid tuff guy thing that we are on.

the truth is, that we are really nothing but a bunch of fat people, who think they matter.

Your pal Randy

My drive.

Wednesday, May 10th, 2006

People always ask me, they say “Randy, how is it that you drive all the way across Los Angeles in rush hour traffic?” How do you do it? Well the answer is simple, I use my imagination.

For instance, this morning I kept imagining the guy in front of me, who didn’t know where his blinker was, but had to make a phone call, well I imagined his head exploding into a pulpy mess over and over again, and then when I got bored with that, I imagined his head exploding all over his wife and children, and them trying to get the bits of skull and hair out of their eyes, while they screamed.

That one took about fifteen minutes out of my drive.

Then, when I was at a stop sign, and the guy who actually slows down as he walk across the street came by, and looked at me like as if to say, ” You want to fight?”, well, I imagined him on his knees pleading for his life, over and over, and I was urinating on him, and saying ” that’s ok” Trying to get the stream in his mouth, while he cried and shit himself.

That took another five minutes out , and then I added another five minutes liked that one so much.

I would also have to add the fifteen other minutes that I imagined all of the guys who were leaned over in their pimp rides all tuff, listening to rap music, caught in their cars, engulfed in flames, trying to unlock their car doors with melting hands, while I kept locking the doors with a remote.

Some days I just imagine everyone I see running down the street on fire, with my balls on their foreheads until a plane hits them.

Id say the ride is quite pleasant

Your pal Randy

City of my dreams

Thursday, May 18th, 2000

Dear City of Oakland.

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for the parking ticket. You would not believe how happy I was to find out that my ticket was only thirty two dollars. I think that Thirty two dollars is a very fair amount to pay, for such a heinous parking violation. God only knows the incredible dedication from city workers that Telegraph street gets at two in the morning, and to think that I parked my car plop in the middle of all of the hard work. My crime was uncaring. And your gift was a pardon of thirty two dollars. I feel proud that the City of Oakland is not a money grubbing, sleazy, low life bunch of villains who prey on peoples wallets, but a fair and just City whose only concern is clean streets. I think it is unfair that people hate meter maids. I think that these people work so hard. It’s not fair that they are among the most hated people on the planet. That job is so mundane and unrewarding that most people would kill themselves having such a horrible and meaningless career.
Sitting here at a job that I love and have always wanted, making good money, and being appreciated by people that I have never met, makes me almost understand how terrible it would be have such a awful job and to be hated so much, by everyone. I know that children all over, want to work the kind of job that I do, and only adults with nowhere else to turn would choose such a hated profession. Infact, I have never met one single person who has even the slightest respect for meter maids. God, what an awful life. But these people brave the streets keeping it clean for you and me. I know that one day The City of Oakland is gonna take my thirty two dollars and use it for the city. One day I will drive down San Pablo and I wont be able to make the boat noise as I drive over the river of pot holes. Why I see police talking to prostitutes nearly every day. And Talking to them is almost kind of, nearly, half the battle. In fact I’m not just going to pay my thirty two dollars, I’m going to pay thirty three dollars. And I would like it if you gave that extra dollar the meter maid who gave out my ticket. And thank them for setting me on a straight path, and tell them that even though their life is completely meaningless and sad, that we all benefit from their hard work.

One day, a good store like IKEA will come and Oakland will rise up out of it’s nothing burger existence and almost be worth visiting again. Mark my words.

thanks again

Randy Link


Tuesday, April 13th, 1999

Hey all, I hauled ass to the dmv. If I’m not back soon it’s cause I killed the fat man eating chocolate bonn bonns and letting the line get too long. be back soon. God I love you people.

You’re only as good as your last daily