Archive for the ‘Movie Review’ Category

GAVATAR

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

Well I finally saw Avatar, and I have to say it was amazing! For everyone who worked on that film..Hats off to you. Really, really amazing. I didn’t even mind the over used story, as I feel like it would be hard to swallow something that visually groundbreaking with a really fresh new story that was hard to follow. I loved Pandora Loved the creature anim, the whole thing….

my one criticism is that James Cameron stole the story from me. I showed him a ruff draft of a movie I was writing where gay men would use beautiful women Avatars to bring boys home from the clubs and then the women would fall down like old laundry and gay men would jump out of the closets and say “Well how about me?”

it was called Gavitar.

your pal Randy

Cloverfield

Monday, January 21st, 2008

Dudes, there are spoilers.

I don’t know a lot. I’ve never been good at math, and to tell you the truth, I can’t spell to save my life. But I do know one thing. If one of those parasites falls off the back of a huge thing that is fucking up a city, and it bites you. You are going to pop like a fucking tick.

There are many reasons why Cloverfield fucking rules. And I know that during the film you might have wanted to yell,” hold the camera still for three seconds please”, I know me too, but then, the city started to land all over you and you started to run down the street screaming.

Ok, here goes.

Why did the Monster go to New York City? Where did It come from? Was it a scientific experiment?

who the fuck cares?

Nobody, when you are running down the street about to get fucked up.

I loved Jurassic Park, but that DNA shit, got everyone and their mothers trying to come up with some stupid logical reasons why their monster was there. It got to the point where you would have some stupid blonde at a computer terminal spitting out lines that sounded like she was reading a Star Trek script.

Here’s the deal kids. Run. That is all you need to know. And by the way, we don’t care if you hide under a bridge and love your girlfriend.

When it comes to creature effects, Tippet Studio is like one of those Frazetta paintings of Conan. The ones where there is a pile of people in pain looking up at the sky saying ‘Oh Shit!” And Conan is flying over everybody about to deliver the goods.

That shit in the subway, out standing.

You people at Tippett, if you read this, go get yourself a drink at lunch, and make it a double. Because that shit was great!

And I hope all of the fat dudes with ponytails who left the theaters saying stuff like ” well they didn’t explain why… beep borp dorp!” get hit by a bus

your pal Randy



Not to take anything away from Tippett … but I/we over here at Double Negative also worked on this. So I’m gonna slap my ass and say whoo hoo 🙂

You should, and no offence to double negative, I worked at Tippett, and I was giving a “shout out” to the people who I know personally who kick ass.

And I’m sure Double Negative is great, and so was ESC, but if you are going to talk about reasitic creature animation, Tippett and Weta rule the roost. And you can’t fuck with that.

ILM can bring out the good foot, and they do, when they have too. But most other stuff pales in comparison, in my opinion.

I worked on Spiderman 3 and you couldn’t ride that busted donkey to the bakeoff, so calm the fuck down.

I love you people

your pal Randy

10,000 b.c review!

Monday, September 17th, 2007

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/34066

Wasn’t Roland the tool who made Japan hate Godzilla?

We definitely work in a field where you get rewarded if you can get it done. I guess because it is so hard to just get it done. That goes from lackey’s like me to supervisors to directors. I’ve worked on many a film where the supervisor has about as much talent as my dog, yet they were in the right place at the right time and got the name. God bless em! And even though they
make life hard on everyone and fuck shit up all the way to the final cut, They get re hired because they’ve been through it before.

When a guy like Roland Emerich or however you spell his name makes a movie like Godzilla, the first thing I think is, thank god, he’s fucking done with, but the truth is that he got it done. And that is what the money people are the most concerned with, god bless their little wallets.

When we started working on Starship Troopers Phil Tippett got everyone together and told us to enjoy it, because a good movie comes around once every seven movies. I think he was wrong, it’s more like fifteen.

But even with that. I think we work in the best field, besides porn I mean, and if you cut my shots out of the dozen shitty movies I’ve worked on, you get about three minutes of good stuff to watch before people get bored. And it’s great hooker money.

And that aint all that bad.

I love you people

Your Pal Randy

helping people

Monday, September 10th, 2007

People always ask me if I could do anything, if I had one wish what would it be?

Would it be helping starving children? Or cure Aids, or cleaning up the environment? Or maybe making the world a safer place for children?

The answer is of coarse, I’d take a shit on Rob Zombies face for his remake of Halloween.

And I have to tell you people, it’s the one time that I’d wish that I had diarrhea. Badly.

Now the truth be told I’ve kind of always hated Rob Zombie, mainly because a good friend of mine was in White Zombie, and they told me nothing but real horror stories about how he screwed just about every artist that worked for him, and everything that you contributed he owned. Kind of like those dicks over at Disney.

But now I hate him because he has ruined something that I have always liked. That being Halloween.

Now, let me help that stupid asshole if he ever gets a chance to read this letter. Next time you are ruing a good movie, and you want the killer to be badass, try having him kill innocent people.

They spent the first half hour of the movie showing a young Mike Myers and his family, and unlike the good one, done a long time ago . Rob, decided to make Mikes parents the kind of people you would want to kill. First off everyone in the movie has long hair. If that’s not stupid enough. But then his step dad is an alcoholic and curses at everyone, it’s just plain awful writing.

See in the original movie his parents weren’t important, therefore they were in the movie for two seconds. And they weren’t cruel people, they were loving parents who gave birth to a monster.

It makes my man Mike all the crazier. Because there is no reason for him to go on the killing spree, except that he is evil. See?

I won’t get into the rest of the movie. But I will say this.

Fuck you Rob Zombie. Go back to music and make a Rap album.

your pal Randy

Transformers

Friday, July 6th, 2007

Let me start out by saying that I saw Transformers last night. Then let me end by saying that is a lie, I fell asleep and then left the theater last night. I want to go on the record, and say that the effects are ILM ish great effects. I thought the effects were really, really, good. I did sense a bit of Jar Jar over animation on some of the more rascally robots, but in general, the effects were quite good.

The story and acting, sucked a good dick though. But it didn’t just suck a good dick, it worked it. I’m not gay, but I do know that if you want a great blowjob, you need to go to a man. Because gay men are the only people who really actually want to give great head. Porn Stars get paid to do it, so it doesn’t count. This story sucked dick in the gay men way, it really worked hard at sucking dick.

The only way I can even begin to describe the story and acting is to say that if you walked onto a Aerosmith video shoot, and told the director of the video and the actors that on that very day, they would have to fill a three hour movie, and then left. that is the level of story that they would come back at you with.

the only overused character that they left out, would be the incredible femme friend who makes caddy comments about maybe their outfits. I think he would have gone well with the over energetic black friend who wont stop screaming things until he gets a laugh, Which unfortunately never happened. “Ima eat all these donuts girl” “What aint nobody laughing?” I’m a say Whoo hoo at the top of my lungs” “Whooo Hooo”

“That donut is going straight to my waist ”

Going to your wait” I’m say whooo hooo”

they could have had conversations like that. I know actors need work, but I’ll tell you, if a director came up to me and asked me to stick a hose in my rectum and wear Mickey mouse ears, I have to think about it.

Now don’t get me wrong, of your six years old and haven’t seen the same formula that they used in the American Godzilla movie over and over again, I’m sure you could look past all of this, and just watch the robots.

But for me, I’d rather be stuck in traffic

your pal Randy

Spiderman 3

Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007

Spiderman 3 I hate my own animation is what it should be called.

ok here goes

For those of you who know me, you know that I don’t particularly like super heroes or their movies. batman sucked Superman sucked and the freaking Green lantern sucked.

and yes Spiderman sucks.

As an animator, there is nothing fun about animating a guy in tights. Because when it’s all said and done, it’s just a guy in tights. I don’t care if he is flipping through the air or swinging in some stupid spider rope.

The thing that I am the most angry about with this movie is that they stole my thunder when Peter turns into an asshole and starts pointing at all of those girls. That is my fucking shtick, and I’m pissed that that asshole Sam Rami put it in a movie where other people can steal my thunder.

the only reason I wasn’t bored watching this is because I was high. And I’m talking two joints.

Don’t get me wrong. This movie isn’t as shitty as the Matrix, when all those assholes in robes have a dance party. And I liked the sandman. He was a good Character even though he wore a stupid striped shirt like Ernie or Bert.

by the way, i did the shot where the giant Sandman gets hit by rockets and swaggers around like a stupid asshole and then falls to dirt,

I know, i know, fucking great animation. Thanks.

All and all I thinks it’s a good “once over” film if you are stoned on grass and you like to watch guys in tights fight on a skateboard.

Me, Id rather watch porn.

I love you people

Your pal randy

Dead or Alive movie (trailer)

Tuesday, November 7th, 2006

Although I am proud in a way that I am know for masturbating at every step, I want you guys to know, That I don’t masturbate to R Rated material. I feel like watching a movie like Dead or Alive, is not only, just a tease, I feel like it is unfair to women. And I hate that.

First off, who needs to see women in tight pants, I can see that on my way to lunch, and I don’t have to listen to any dialoge, written for the sole purpose of making me sick.

Also, I feel like these movies are unfair to women. Not in the fact that they are sexist, but in the way that if falsely shows that these hot women, can act.

Now here is the deal.

When a guy like Steven Segal, says something really stupid before he starts kicking ass, it’s disgusting. But the very idea that these women would talk about breaking a nail, during a fight, is so stupid, that my penis won’t even get hard. Sure I could move it around a little through my pants, hoping that the friction in my underwear get’s me an erection, but that is pushing it.

I don’t like to be titillated. I don’t like to almost see Janet Jackson’s nipple, and I don’t need to see, cat woman, and wish that Haley Berry would fall out of her top.

My erections deserve Real Porno. real naked women, and more nipples then you can shake a stick at.

And my penis gets just that. God bless it

your pal Randy

Snakes on a Plane

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

I’m sorry to say, that it comes down to this.

Nobody fucking cares. And why should they? I’m surprised it made eight dollars. Snakes are cool, planes are cool, that kids, is about that. Sorry.

Now I’m sure the effects are great and there are some snake animation that is all slithery and wow. But, really, who fucking cares. And the answer is…Nobody.

Many of us worked on Matrix 3, and during the production I kept hearing. “But Randy, you don’t understand, It’s the Matrix 3” . or “It’s the Matrix!” And when it came out, the world just about broke it’s jaw yawning.

Here is the facts. ninety percent of Science fiction and horror movies suck. That means that nine out of ten movies that we work on are going to suck ass. Here is my list.

Starship Troopers
Komodo
My favorite Martian
the haunting
cats and dogs
Blade 2
Virus
Evolution
cursed
Matrix 3
King Kong

Now the cock suckery in that list is biblical. Starship Troopers and King Kong I am proud of. And Starship Troopers, is questionable as far as being a good movie.

I’ve got a shot in Peter Pan and Monster House and I couldn’t masturbate for a month after working on Peter pan, so I’ll keep those off of my list.

It’s getting to the point that if you want to see a good movie you have to rent a porn film, because those movies won’t let you down. I’m sorry to say that Cursed isn’t worth the time, even if you masturbate through the whole film, believe me, I’ve tried.

So don’t be so down about it. Working in CG means that from now until you get old, you will most likely work on shitty film after shitty film. And I will be right there next to you. jerking off I mean.

I love you people

your pal Randy

Over the Hedge

Friday, May 26th, 2006

Randy and Ebert

Ok, I got pulled into a screening of “Over the Hedge” last night, and someone needs to die.

Lets start at the beginning. I smoked two, count em, two hits of weed. I was so scared, I could barely get my free bag of popcorn, because I thought I was going to freak out on the candy girl, but anyway, my point is, I was about as ready as you can get for an animated feature.

Now here is the bottom line. Why hire all of those great voice talents, and those where some of the best you could get. Why hire such great voice actors, and animators and TD,s and effects artist, when you are going to choke it to death with writing almost worse then Disney? Why?

Do me a favor. Make an hour long film of your limp penis with a strand of semen slowly dripping down into an open eye. I would rather watch that. Thank you.

Here is an idea, you know all those jokes that Disney has been using for the last twenty years? You know the ones, the ones that put traditional animation into it’s grave? Don’t use those jokes. They suck.

Ok here is the plot, it has spoilers so beware. A bunch of talking animals annoy the shit out of me for what seems like ten hours, and then credits roll. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll buy the dvd, but that is just so I can pause it on the credits and take name so I’ll know who to shoot from the Bell tower.

Now, I know what it’s like to work on a shitty movie. I worked on Matrix 3, and that yawn was heard all across the planet. They had to come into the theater and wake people up after that movie. I know what it’s like to work you ass off and find out that you just worked on The Haunting. Believe me.

But this is too much. Here is the rule, ok? If you make a movie with Robots, Planets of apes, and animated characters, and I’m bored, you suck. As a matter of fact you suck dick. You suck more dick then all of the gay porn, in san Francisco, during Gay rights Parade.

Please people. Don’t kill this medium. If you’re not Pixar, take a lesson from them. Write a story, care about your story, and then re write it again and again, until you have something worth telling. Don’t just jump on the bandwagon and make a Pixar rip off, because sooner or later people are going to get sick of it. Just like the did with Open range, and Brother Bear, and everything else. And if you don’t know how, (which you don’t by the way), spend your money wisely.

Give it to me. I’ll spend it on something more worthwhile, like hookers.

Your pal randy

Note: I saw “Over the Hedge” and enjoyed it more than I expected to, especially the bit with the squirrel and the energy drink. Not something I’d tell my friends to watch, but not something I’d avoid watching if it were placed in front of me.

The Poseidon Adventure

Thursday, May 25th, 2006

Look, I don’t want to get off, on a sour subject, but I figured out that I’m a hateatarian this morning and I feel bad about it. When I was a young man, I wanted to get laid all the time, and I used to go in for all of that peace and love nonsense, because that is where you can get a girl stoned just enough for a blowjob. So I was into it. I felt like we could all get along, and love each other, and look past race and greed, and all of the people like me could get together. And fuck.Well, that didn’t happen did it. It turns out that bitches don’t like out of shape guys, who cum too quick. With fat bodies and hair on their backs with acne. And all that world peace bullshit didn’t get me any kickback.Now I’m a bit older, and if I can say so, I feel like I’ve grown up a little. Especially when it comes to women. Now I don’t waste any time trying to get them to like me, I just masturbate.

But anyway. I saw the Poseidon Adventure the other night, and I realized that during the scene where the boat tips over and all of those people were dying, all of those women and children, and husbands and fathers, were flying through windows and walls on fire, I realized that was happy inside. Maybe it’s because I was thinking about all those people on my commute to work. maybe I was thinking about the writers for Curious George, maybe it’s because I watched Mtv that day, and I saw about four rap videos, I don’t know.

When I walk into a bar nowadays and I see white kids with the thin beards and their hats off to the side saying stuff like “You know what I’m saying” I pray that we go to war with Iran, and China.I pray for a draft. And I pray hard. When I watch the news and my main man Bill O’Reiley opens his mouth I wish a gigantic tidal wave would take him out right through a plate glass window, and that a building will fall on him, and that the last thing that happens is a stream of urine splashes in his face as the building lands on him.

Am I the only one?

When I drive down the street and I see huge, fucking fat people in gigantic trucks, with Kentucky fried chicken in their hands, on the phone, I want to see, one of those alligators come up out of the everglades and get a meal in, one of the best and most fulfilling meals they will ever have.

It’s not because we are fat, it’s because we are fat, stupid, and incredibly arrogant.

I quit eating meat a couple of years ago, I know, I know, I’m a fag. I don’t eat fast food, and I hate most of the vegetarians I meet, because although they are thin and beautiful, they wont blow me.

I’m a hateatarian. But I do love you people.

Your Pal Randy