Archive for the ‘Movie Review’ Category

NEWSFLASH “the Wild” sucks dick

Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006

I saw Disney’s “The Wild” the other day. Actually, I didn’t see it, I saw a billboard, and let me tell you, that movie sucks dick. People always ask me why do Disney movies suck so much dick? And I only have one answer. Because Disney sucks cock. Disney sucks more cock then all of the gay porn in San Francisco.

If I was a writer for Disney, I would go home tonight, run myself a hot bubble bath and then blow my fucking head off with a shotgun, and as the blood spurted from my neck stump, I’d write that I was sorry on the bathroom tiles, making it the best thing that I have ever written.

And if you think that I’m being harsh, you may be right. But I believe that cartoons don’t need to suck. Just like the third Matrix didn’t need to suck, but it sure did. You know one night I had this chick over my house, and I picked her up from a bar. and all the way home she was telling me that she wanted to please me, and do all these crazy things to me, and when we got home she pulled her shirt off and started playing with her perfect breasts, and she asked me if I had any porno because she wanted to watch it, while she fucked the shit out of me, and when I pulled out my copy of “Ass Lickers” she saw that I had Matrix Revolutions, and then she got up, shit on my floor and then walked out.

I don’t need that

Your pal Randy

Titan A.E.

Friday, June 23rd, 2000

Titan A.E.

Ummm , well…. Uhhh.

Here is a poem about Titan AE

Doody poopy stinky hurty

Again with the poopy

Again with the hurty

Ucky mucky yucky sucky

No more with the ucky

No more with the sucky

Donny Donny donny donny

since Secret of Nihm

you’ve been a moranny

your pal R.J.Krandell

Salamander the movie

Monday, April 10th, 2000

Salamander

Doesn’t anyone get embarrassed anymore? I’ve got an idea. lets make a list of all the over done dumb shit that is in Science fiction and horror movies. The stuff we wince in pain when they use it over and over again. And oh will it be huge. Like the big explosion at the end. Or the troubled hero. Or anything, and I mean anything in space. We have seen enough space movies in the last thirty years. Let’s come on back to earth and think of a plot people. Let’s make a big list. and send it to Hollywood. We can plead with them to not use that stuff anymore. Maybe if they see us cry it will help. I swear I will drink my own urine if it will help stop the space movies. Anyway, remember when the funny guy gets his neck bit, then as he is dying he gives the hero his Cigar, and asks him to smoke it for him. and then the hero starts to cry and bangs the wall. Remember that. Boy was that part stupid. Remember when the two grown men with shotguns get killed but the skinny boy stabs through the 14 foot lizard like it’s made of Jell-O. How can you overlook these things. I’m not picky. I’m not a stickler for details. I’ll watch the remake of King Kong. It’s not like I’m hard to please. Stop it. Please stop it. I can’t direct a movie, because I can’t think of anything longer than three seconds. But I know this.

ps But I would stick a hot poker in my ass, rip off all my fingernails , stick them in salt and watch Komodo forty times in a row while two fat men fart in my face repeatedly, before I watch Star Wars the Phantom Menus again.

pps let’s try and keep this one within Tippett folks.

Movies suck now

Tuesday, March 21st, 2000

Last night I went to a double feature horror show to see two great movies. And I learned a thing or two. I learned that your average everyday typical human being, isn’t worth shit. It pains me to no end how incredibly stupid the average person is. Listen carefully, if you pay money to see a movie, then shut up! Keep your stupid mouth from moving for two whole hours. I can do it, and you all know how much I love to talk. Last night a group of kids, had to get all rowdy. So all of a sudden stuff starts flying, the ring leader is yelling and getting kicked out, so I peek my head around and I’m all scared cause he sounds like he is a crypt or a blood, and he is nothing but a skinny wimp ass white kid. He is obviously not embarrassed that he looks like he thinks he is EMENEM. He has got his hat all twisted around, and he has on baggy pants and chains, and he keeps moving his hands like he has seen too many Rap videos. He most definitely had his rap on. He’s like word up n stuff. And I’s like you aint nothin but a skinny white kid N shit. An he’s like I’m gonna be louder than everybody n stuff. An I’m like, but you aint nothing but a skinny white kid, an he’s like I’m gonna put a beat down an stuff, and I’m like but you aint nothing but a skinny white kid, who is currently being kicked out of a movie theater and stuff. I’ll tell you people it was depressing. You know that kid goes home and say stuff like” Yes mom, I am hungry, thank you for keeping my dinner warm.” And “No father, I have not completed my homework, but I will. Kids today, I’ll tell you. I’m glad that my father would have smacked the crap out of me if he saw me act like that in public. The other thing is, once every ten years there is a movie so funny that I can’t help laughing out loud. Why do we feel the need to be heard in in the movie theater. It’s almost like a contest now. Ha Ha ha I’m laughing the loudest. I thought that was Funny ha ha ha. Hey did you see how funny that was! Ha Ha! shut the hell up. Chances are that wasn’t so funny, chances are that you’re not funny. Chances are that nobody likes you. I can’t remember the last time I went to the movies, and people were cool, and respectful. It’s getting to the point where seeing a movie is like riding the bus. You can do it if you want to, but it’s uncomfortable and some smelly man is going to talk to you.

Krandell

Randy Krandy took my money!

Wednesday, November 10th, 1999

Ok, here we go.

Now about a month or so ago, a couple of the nice folks here bought me a gift certificate to see Elmo in grouch land, in hopes that I would write a review. And I just got an e-mail stating that Randy Krandy took my money! And although I cashed it in and then I bought a couple of hamburgers with it, I really resent the fact that people here are calling me a thief! Now as you all know I’m not the kind of guy to name names. Like Soren and Steve Ginsberg. But If I was I would I would say “Soren and Steve Ginsberg”. Not only do these two rat bastards buy me a ticket to see Elmo and Grouch land, they call me a thief, cause I turned there ticket into pure burger gold. So here is my excuse. First off, I’ve been so sedated on pot, booze, speed, and coke, that I haven’t found my own bathroom in the last week and a half. Do you guys have any idea how bad my underpants smell? And The other thing is I’ve been wandering the streets looking for love. Now I know you guys think I’m all ruff and tumble, and how can a man with abs of steel under a layer of fat find love? Well you just walk right out there and say” will you love me?” And about every five thousand girls say,”Yes, it will cost twenty bucks.” So you see, If i could make just one friend, I would have someone to go see muppet movies with, but the only idiot who is dumb enough to even go to lunch with me, Is Gibby, so you can all se how sick this life of mine really is. So now I promise ,not just to the two jackasses who think sending me to a muppet movie is funny, but to the whole dern studio, that this week I will go see the friggin googley eye cookie monster film, and write a review!

your pal R.J.Krandell

The Haunting of Jan DeBonts white hair

Monday, July 26th, 1999

Ghost

Ok here we go..

First off I’m gonna skip right to the end of the movie. It SUCKED. That was the most lame ending to a movie since Star Wars episode one. I’ve got a great idea when you’re making a movie…..HAVE A VISION. I’m not all that bright and all, but wouldn’t it help to have some sort of resolution to your story before you make it. I thought the whole point to telling a story was the ending, you know that vital point that gives it some punch, some extra ummph! Anyway, I guess being a great hollywood director relieves you of those annoying little things called plot and story. When Nell called him grandpa, I turned around and punched some little old lady who was sitting behind me, just so I could feel kinda good about how stupid that one was. There is only one movie in the history of movies that I believe you are allowed to call somebody grandpa, and that’s TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. But that’s a whole other story. As for the rest of the movie, I kinda liked it. There was some scary mansion stuff, there was great sound effects through the whole movie, and the characters were ok. Boy did I think I was going to hate that blonde dude with the fucked up nose. He looked like such an ass, but he was funny. I also liked the fact that they didn’t do stupid shit like root around in the cellar with a candle. They all seemed like smart people. When Nell ran into rooms she turned the light on. And when they figured out that the little brat wasn’t lying and there was a mean old ghost in the house, they started trying to bust out, breaking shit. I liked that part too. All and all I liked a lot of the movie, and I have a little something to tell you people, so you understand where my pride is coming from. As a kid I loved Horror movies, and I still do. Like many of you, I hung some fangoria posters from An American Werewolf in London on my wall, and dreamed of sculpting for Rick Baker, or getting the at home fx package from Dick Smith, and him calling me personally and being flabbergasted with how good my work was, and well…none of that stuff happened, and I got into animation, doing really bad clay tv commercials, and basically dry humping the cash cow for years, just to earn a living. But my desire to see a person get torn to pulpy pieces by some large animal, never really went away. And one fine day I guess I fooled Mr Tippett into thinking I was good enough to work on some bug movie. Well Five movie later I’m still killing people on the screen. We aren’t making movies about little cute bugs who want to be accepted in society, we aren’t making movies that The mighty ape man is best friends with Rosie Odonell and they sing together. We are killing and hurting innocent people, and it feels great. Think about it…Five for five…Even in a Disney movie we swallowed a man whole.

and let’s face it….thats fucking great.

July 26, 1999

this just in. . .

HEY FOLKS I THINK THIS IS A REVIEW FROM MY BROTHER DAVID

randy

What in the hell are you thinking! Working on a PG 13 horror movie? Horror movies are not PG13. Bless the Beasts and Children is PG 13. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and The Boy in the Bubble is PG 13. You can’t get scared with PG 13. You can get cottoncandy and a hickey, but not up late at night with doody pants. I want doody pants! Don’t make me write these letters.

Tarzan

Monday, July 12th, 1999

Tarzan

Well kids, once again the giant belly rumbled and churned out some more bad gas, and this time it swung from a tree. It was everything I expected, and a whole lot more. Phil Collins score was almost as good as his hit song su..su…sudio, except he is that much older and suckier. The problem with Disney is not that they don’t know how to animate, because they are great at it. It’s not that they don’t hire great artists, because the do. It’s because everyone they hire to write a movie is a gutless chickenneck that doesn’t have the ideas or coahonnies to come up with somthing better than the last piece of toilet paper. I know why kids are walking into schools and shooting people, it’s cause they are fed up with spending seven fifty to watch another movie that insults a four year old’s intelegence. Thank my lucky stars that I grew up in the seventies, when nobody gave a shit about shocking kids or offending people, we all waited to see Evil Kenivelle crash, and he did it for us.( Just think about it …. his first name was EVIL.) I wish to god, some kid would walk into the right board room and shoot people, I mean we are waisting bullets for christ sake. Anyway, here is the new Disney trick. they don’t let the characters speak for the first five or ten minutes of the film. Because they don’t want people to walk out. So they figure by the time their cow cud characters start to talk people are too lazy to leave. Once again, the art in the movie was ground breaking, awe inspiring, fantastic. The Ideas and characters were the same as Beuty and the beast or the little mermaid. It starts to feel like you’re puking and eating it and puking and eating it.

George Lucas Urinated In My Eyes

Friday, May 28th, 1999

Randy Maul

Since the beginning of film, there has been many triumphs, and many mistakes. There has been people who try and get their soul out to the masses and people who sold their houses to help make a creative act. There are many, many, many things that have not worked. And as human being it is our right to use this knowledge to grow and change. It is the one true thing that separates us from all other life forms. We can see mistakes and we can learn from them. We can CHANGE. There is one word that describes the one true mistake of the 20th century, it is not war, or hate or killing. It is not starvation, or environmental extermination. it is simply Jar Jar.

I have never in my life seen a bigger piece if shit than Star Wars episode who gives a shit. My god, I don’t even know where to start. All the pot in the world could not help that film. It was an onslaught of unimaginative garbage being spewed through a plato pump called TOY’S R US. The very fact that George is one of the only men in the world who can make a movie without producers changing his vision, and a huge production company at his finger tips, and he made Jar Jar. Think about that. That man could have changed our opinions of the possibility’s of Science Fiction for ever. He could have proven anything, and he gave us Jar Jar. I sat in a movie theater for two and a half hours while George peed in my eyes. I gave that bastard five whole dollars to be shit on from a screen. I feel dirty. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “well now Randy, that’s a little harsh, actually I thought Darth maull was…NO, No No, there is no defending it. I don’t care that you liked Star Wars in 1977, and have all the action figures. Go into a dark room, breath a little, forget about Darth Vader, and think clearly. It sucked. every moment in that film sucked. It sucked even more than spawn. I know that if you looked fast enough you might see ET the extra terrestrial in the corner, who gives a shit, it sucked. And here is the killer, I know people who left good jobs to work on their dream movie. Can you imagine if you quit, and went to ILM and worked under those stupid conditions to fulfill your dream, and you got to work on Jar Jar. Remember those Japanese kids who would fail a test and commit suicide? Remember them? I thought that was a bit extreme, NOT ANY MORE. If I ever quit a studio, with some heart and integrity, and I worked at ILM under that ego land of uninspired geeks and George asked me to animate Jar Jar, I’d go home and suck on a shot gun. You would find me floating in a tub with my wrists cut and in blood on white tiles I would write Jar Jar did this. And to get off this morbid trail I’m going down, I will say this, even though we work on films that don’t get any credit at all, and we could never impress anyone with what we do. We stand alone in a mire of shit. We are one of the last beacons of hope in a film world gone mad. It doesn’t mean we don’t or wont work on shitty films, if you know what I mean and I think you do. But, have no delusions, it sucks out there.

be really proud people

your pal randy

> dude. you worked on, like, Komodo

I don’t think you got it. Komodo was a piece of shit, and will always be a piece of shit. BUT, nobody cares or will ever care about that movie. We will be lucky if it even comes out on video, or even a screen saver. You see the difference here. How long have we heard people chirp about Star Wars. There is not one kid in this country who is looking forward to Komodo. And I might be wrong here, but I bet our effects look like they are in the backround plate not on the backround plate.

Ps It’s ok, I have some action figures too.

your pal Randy

Star Wars Movie Review

Wednesday, May 19th, 1999

George Lucas

This has spoilers….so don’t read if you need to see for yourself.

Anyway, I got a call from George lucas, the guy with the chin neck and the funny metal shavings beard., and he said that they were going to have a special screening with Steven spealburg of Goonies fame and steven Segal the balding guy with the pony tail who’s always kicking ass, and the fat guy Ebert who likes movies that make you cry, or anything from Disney. and a whole bunch of people from ABC, CBS and E entertainment, and Evel Kenevial. But that was it cause George doesn’t want to hype this movie too much. So I figured ok, I’ll go, but Me and Evel Kenevial get to sit in the back. So we went to the theater, and it was nice. Me Evel and steve Segal we got stoned in the parking lot, and so when I was walking in, I couldn’t stop staring at Georges neck beard thing. It’s kind of creepy. Evel was starting shit with the popcorn kid, throwing popcorn at his head and telling him he could jump him and his whole family, it was gonna be a good show. I was pumped.

So down goes the lights, up comes the theme music, so far so good. We start out with all that far, far away blah blah blah stuff and I’m so high I think I’m gonna just run out of the theater, then we focus in on this Jar Jar character, and Evel Kenevial starts laughing really loud, I mean loud. It sounded like sobody’s baby crying in the theater. George is turning around all mad, it was getting really bad. So This Jar Jar guy who looks like a big texture map is walking around all stupid, and then there is this kid from Eight is Enough who delivered a great performance, and the guy from Train spotting with a really bad haircut, but no Darth Vader. Now I know that the little eight is enough kid is supposed to be Darth Vader, but come on. They tried to make another villain but it looked like a little circus monkey with face paint on. So here is the movie. Alot of texture maps walk around in every scene and then there is a sword fight with a double edged light saber and the circus monkey with face paint is all bad, and then a whole bunch of space ships float around with some more texture maps that don’t fit into the background plate. and then there is some sad music, and then right when I was getting into the movie and that Jar Jar texture map guy was getting so annoying that I started to like him, Evel Kenevial yells…” YOU SUCK!” and farts really loud. So now George is pissed, and we get kicked out of the theater, That sissy Segal, shrank down in his seat as George came buy with the flashlight. And the real killer is, when george shined the light on Evel’s face he had a mouth full of popcorn and he farted again and said “youthf schuckth! spitting popcorn all over the place.

So anyway, I didn’t get to see the end of the film. and Me and Evel are BANNED from THe RANCH. but all in all it was a really good movie. The animation was excellent, they didn’t cut any corners, the rendering is second to none. A great job really. I would be proud that when I left this earth I would have left behind that legacy.

that’s all

your pal

R.J.Krandell

My Favorite Martian

Wednesday, February 17th, 1999

It all started when that German guy Frank showed up. We ate some meats for a while and started in on a beer, when that Christian fellow and this Todd guy came along. Needles to say we ahd a couple if Ciggies, I think from Amsterdam, and ate more meats. At about one thirty we decided to take a cab to the theater, and you had best believe that I wore my sun glasses for fear of a talk hold from somebody important. “No need to see those little red slits for eyes I said to myself.” Well we got to the show and wouldn’t you know it, crazy. People walking all over talking about what now or what next. I looked over at Christian and he seemed unfazed by the worried crowd, so I started the talking and the Phil scope, you know, little talk show with the big guy. Anyway, before I could get to him, the crowd was dwindling fast, so I followed some people. The next thing I know, I’m trying to shoot a quarter in a glass, and failing. Now I don’t know how much many of you know about lots of early booze consumption, but it aint good. Well, that lasted until about four and then we went to some Carribian place, and let me tell you. THINGS GOT NUTS! The quarters game came back in a horrible way, Eric was playing with children, People who should just not be allowed to dance were dancing. I mean who lets this sort of stuff happen? It’s not right! There were these weird spicy fish sticks in a pan, with some crazy chicken bits. All I heard was….clink, dink…..ploop, ” YOU DRINK FUCKER” SISSY BOY! ” I mean I’m staring into my rum thinking who are these animals. And what am I doing with rum god damn it. Paula was making people consume left and right, Marty was feeling bad, and drinking drinks for people. I’m telling you it was a mad house. I think I went to the bathroom fifteen times, and I never took down my pants, I’m telling you…it was a mess. Neal was doing lap dances for people, for free. People just don’t party like this. Anyway, right then I had this brilliant idea, It came to me crystal, and sharp. I was the little Gelfling and I was on the Dark Crystal. I’ll tell people to come over my house. We will party at my house until the midnight movie.

we all make mistakes. The very notion, of letting these animals in my home was one of my dumber ideas. Garth ate things that weren’t food, Bart started in with my dogs. Neal thought he could play guitar, Robin ran around yelling about blueberries. People who just ate Mexican food were puking. Gurdin was rolling cigars, Ashby peed on somebody. it was crazy. Thank god for ten thirty. Because that’s when we got the hell out of my house and wobbled up to the theater. I remember getting popcorn, though I don’t know why. I remember a Goofy cartoon. I remember thinking I have a chance with that British girl from Austin Powers. And that’s it. My head rolled back, I saw some silver stuff, Couple of white flashes, and the world swam. I think Petey ribbed me a couple of times, and popcorn dribbled out of my mouth like an infant. It was beautiful. By far the best movie experience I’ve ever had.