Archive for the ‘Politics & Commentary’ Category

I did NOT fuck Bill O’Reilley

Monday, August 7th, 2006

Here is what happened.

I was at a Hollywood party over the weekend, and there were a lot of tv people there. Some of the folks from American Idol, and Lost, and Grey’s Anatomy, and stuff like that. Well, I was talking To Simon, and telling him that when he acts like an asshole on tv, a little bit of diarrhea drips out into my underwear, and he was saying “Thanks” and that he shits himself all the time. It was then , that I noticed Bill O’Reilly staring at me from across the room, sipping a cocktail.

So I walked over to him, and told him my name, and that I really liked the way he fucked average Americans nightly on his show. And that I thought is was cool that he will do anything for money like a whore. And that any bitch, who would sell out the American people, like he did, should be punished.

He grabbed my hand and put it on his slacks and I felt a huge erection.

Now I’m not gay, but I figured that I was going to fuck the shit out of him that night no matter what. So I told him I needed a pounding, and he made a weird sound like..”Uhhhgggnn” then said ” Let’s go”

We went back to his room and he yelled at me to “take my fucking pants off.” And I’ve never got undressed so fast, I’ll tell you. Well, he made me get on all fours and he came out from the closet in a pig mask and ran over to me. Shouting something about him being “king of all media” , and then he pulled his penis out of his pants, but as soon as he got it out of his underwear, he ejaculated immediately, and then started to cry.

You can only guess how embarrassed I was. I asked him if he would finish me off, and he screamed at me to leave to room as he cried in a corner in his little pig mask. When I left the room, he had his ass in the air and he was farting and dry humping the rug in his tighty whitey undies as he scooted around the room on his belly.

So I don’t care what you hear from the gossip bunch,

I did not fuck Bill O’Reilly

Your pal Randy

Atticus Finch

Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006

For those of you who read the book “To kill a mockingbird” you’ll know that Atticus Finch is a father who is a lawyer, and is a great guy. He is a man with principles, and a very strong will, but also a man who is kind, and understanding of everything. Really a great man, and a great father.

I was thinking the other day about people and the things that we do, and I am very curious about something.

As we all know, people today are nothing more then the sum total of all of the things we copy and imitate. We watch tv and movies and we imitate what we like. For instance, some people dress like the band Danzig. Goofy? Yes.

Lots of people dress and act like rap stars, who copy gangsters, this way, you have forty year old white guys acting gangsta. Stupid? Yes, as a matter of fact, disgusting.

Some women copy Paris, and some women copy Martha, blah, blah, blah, you get the idea.

I copy angry old man, and janitor, somewhere in there.

But here is my question, why is it, that we, as a group of people always decide to imitate the very bottom of the stupid barrel?

Instead if imitating a man like Atticus Finch, we imitate, ” the Rock”. Why do we do that? Is it because , that back when we lived in caves, Atticus Finch caveman, couldn’t do shit, and the Rock caveman, brought home some dead deer and shit? That down in our core we really only trust might and strength?

Also, If you are a white man, and you are getting a fat belly, why would you shave you head and have a goatee, and drive a big truck? That is almost as stupid as me wearing a dildo hat and smearing my own feces all over myself and running around naked yelling ” I’m a shit dick” I’m a shit dick”.

your pal randy

step over here please

Monday, June 19th, 2006

It is illegal to impersonate a police officer. I think it should also be against the law to impersonate an asshole. Especially since there are way more assholes than cops. Of coarse, most cops are assholes, and that is something I still need to figure out. But being an asshole should be against the law.

On my way home from work on Friday, it seems that everyone on the road was an asshole. I thought that the Hollywood Bowl must have had an asshole convention and wouldn’t you know it, it got let out just as I was on my way home from work. I tried to tell everyone that I was tired, but since they were assholes they didn’t seem to care.

I also think that there should be a death penalty for people who are really good looking, but they are assholes. I think that is actually worse then global warming. Because wasting a beautiful body with an asshole personality is not acceptable. I mean a mass murderer who kills people and eats them is ok, but a fine looking woman who is a bitch, deserves to die. And, by my calculations, a lot of people here in Los Angeles, need to die.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just women. Guys are among the biggest assholes in my book, almost all of the men around the world need to die. not only because I want to fuck all of the women on the planet, but because they are really big assholes.

I think for starters, all guys with mustaches should be executed, unless of coarse they are gay, then that’s ok to have a mustache. But if you are straight and you have a mustache please step over here. Unfortunately, guys who have pony tails would need to go too. Ponytails don’t necessarily make you an asshole, but you should be killed because you don’t know how stupid you look. I guess that does make you an asshole.

Also, I think if you are really fashionable, like you are up to date on the trends, and you look great, you should have to have sex with anyone who asks you. Like if you are a dude, and you have a white hat and some shades and the pencil beard, and some bling, and a bunch of gay men want to fuck you in the bathroom, I think by law you should have to do it. Because why on earth would you walk around dressed like that if your not going to be somebody’s fuck doll?

Also, if you are a really hot teacher I think by law you shouldn’t be allowed to have sex with your students, but you should have to have sex with me.

I think with just a few new asshole rules we can turn the beat around and make this a really great place to live, especially for me. And I love that.


Prostitutes are the best women on earth. Fact.

I love you people, and for some of you, not only do I love your minds, but I also love your bodies.

your pal Randy

sex in the classroom

Thursday, June 15th, 2006

Ok, am I crazy or did America take a right hand turn, and become a place that sucks so bad I want to move to Mexico city and beg for food? What the fuck is going on around here?

Let’s take a little recap

Number one, We invade Iraq. Cool. Fuck those people we need that oil. Then the Supreme court goes conservative, and basically becomes as questionable as the meat on that taco supreme that you just ate and is making you have to poop. Fixed elections, and nothing but shame for a president who gets a blowjob.

Then we start building a wall to keep out Mexico, but we don’t do it like the Chinese, we do it like good old Americans and make our wall out of some two by fours, and some chicken wire, so it will last about as long as the car you just bought. And I guess it’s ok, for the police to bust in your door if they think you are not up to snuff.

The media have all turned into a toy commercial for everyone who wants to fuck you out of having an opinion. And thinks that maybe you should check with your doctor before buying their drugs. Rap music takes hold and people are now concerned about their Lexus car. Alaska can go fuck it’s self because if we’re not going to drill there, we will most certainly poison all of it’s wildlife with some mercury, but don’t worry because according to comic books, you might get some special powers. Like “dying guy” or whatever.

Florida is about to go underwater, and apparently if you give starving, poor, people credit cards because a hurricane took made it so that grandpa floated down the river, they will just take a vacation.

Bill Orielley is still alive. nobody has killed him, and some asshole named Ann coulter just wrote a book stating that if you are liberal, god is going to fucking kill you.

And now sexy teachers are going to jail, for doing something that I personally masturbated about fifteen million times since high school.

I hope it gets so bad that people loose their rights all together. I hope women have to ask permission to go outside and that they have to wear blankets because we might get turned on by their bodies. I also hope that you have to get permission to have sex.

We fucking deserve it.

ps, another reason I hate the gigantic truck you just bought and are so proud of, is that every time I am at a stoplight and I want to check out a little tail, you drive up next to me and block everything. All I can see is a huge red door that says Tundra on it. You are a fucking asshole, and I hope they get you first.

Your pal Randy

myEarthLink News Article – Hillary Lashes Out at Ann Coulter

Friday, June 9th, 2006

The only thing more discouraging, then Ann coulter and Hillary Clinton, is that you people actually believe in any of that shit. I think you have a better chance of salvation thinking that the guy from the movie cocoon is going to come down to earth and make you young again and interested in banging your ugly wife.

Here is some reality for you. You think America is a democracy, and you think that you are liberal, and what is worse, you think your vote actually matters. And you wonder if what we are doing in Iraq is a good idea, and maybe you should support the troops.

But of coarse that is all in your mind.

The fact is that the whole Middle East hates you, and so does Italy, and France and fucking Botswana and Ireland. But it goes even deeper. because the people in Africa hate you, because you are a pig in shorts. and all of the animals everywhere hate you because your tv is sitting where their home was, and Cows and pigs and chickens and fish think you’re a fucking asshole. Turkeys want to kick the shit out of you a couple times a year.

But the best part is, that your own country hates you. And music and tv and movies, are all designed to make you think that you are intellectual because you watched the news and they told you what some asshole named Ann Coulter said. Meanwhile today, you just gave almost half of you check to a bunch of people who not only hate you, but laugh their balls off , as you spend the rest of your check, filling up that gigantic truck you thought you would buy after watching about a thousand tv commercials explaining what an asshole you are.

Guess what? everyone in high school hated you. And if someone put a gun to you head and said “You have thirteen weeks to get laid or I’ll shoot ” you would be fucking dead.

So maybe you have to worry a little bit more then if Asshole number one, or fuckwad number two is going to win “best dressed” in the fake Dog and Pony show. Instead maybe you should but the new Fity Cents cd and find out how much money he has, and how many bitches he just had sex with, and then maybe check in with Paris to see how much she just spent on shoes.

Do me a favor. Pretend that the news is a daily report card.

We just got an F.


Your pal Randy


Rap Music sucks dick

and that is supported by science folks. Sure I love the crazy beats and all of of the coolness. Those funny hand gestures and tons of women getting paid to act like whores, I love it.

but it need to go where Phil Collins went.

fuck them

Thursday, June 1st, 2006

I think America needs to pick a fight with both Iran, and Mexico, shit I would throw Canada in there too because those assholes are all over the place and they don’t do shit, except take away all of the special effects jobs in california just like the Mexicans.

If it were up to me, I would have a war on drugs, a war in Iraq, A war with Iran, and a war with the Mexicans and also the Canadians and what the hell I would also have a war on women, and their stupid rights to have a baby or not. I would also combine wars like they combine stars who date, like Bennifer. I would call it operation Iraqieran, and bomb all of those fucks. Why I would even bet those two countries are close enough that when we show em really how to use a nuke, we can just use one big bomb.

Also, who the fuck do women think they are with all of this abortion talk, guess what? fuck you bitch. I had a talk with Jesus and he says fuck you too. maybe if you girls could go back to not having an orgasm, our sperm won’t find you egg. How about that? Use your heads for once.

Also, Fuck all of you gay people. God dammit do you people make me angry. Always being gay and shit. Why don’t you try and be like me…not gay. I used to like to watch E entertainment now, it should be called caddy comments from gay men. get over it, your not really gay you’re faking.

I’ve got another gripe. My fucking truck isn’t big enough. I need a rope ladder to get in it, but I still feel like it isn’t enough. It’s also not fast enough. I wish our boys over there in Iraq would hurry up, because it cost me two hundred dollars to fill it up. It’s black, but I hate black

That reminds me. Can you black people keep it to just sports?

Also, Can Asian guys go back to loving Americans? I don’t know where I heard it, but I think I remember hearing that Asian people loved Americans. Now you guys walk around and act all black. Quit saying, ” You know what I’m saying?” Your not black, and besides, they just promised to go back to just excelling in sports. Leave music to white people, we know what we are doing. You can’t top REO Speedwagon, so forget it.

America, just needs to get back on track. I’m sorry to say that all of you people of color and gay people and women have fucked it all up. I think if we just close our doors and nuke the shit out of everyone else, we will be ok. And if we could all just listen to a little speedwagon.

oh and Global warming is for faggots, thats a scientific fact

your pal Randy

tuff America

Tuesday, May 16th, 2006

Ok, I have a question.

Why does everyone in America think they are tuff? What’s the big deal here. I feel like everywhere I go I see people acting and looking all hard. What is the appeal? I have always been a bit of a sissy, and to tell the truth I have never been in a fight. That’s a lie, in the fourth grade I fought a guy named Skip Sniffen, and I kicked his ass, but I still feel ashamed about it, because he was a stick with arms.

I was in a diner the other night, and it was in Echo Park. It was what I call a white people’s diner because it was filled with hipsters. Hipsters, for those of you who don’t know, are people around my age that are all hip. They usually have nice bodies, and they wear cool shirts that say stuff on
em, and they wear corduroy jeans and belts and have earrings in their lips. Basically it’s the only look that white people are allowed to have because we’ve been such assholes for the last four hundred years. and back in the Eighties we blew it by dressing like Duran Duran.

Anyway. Now that Black kids took over our culture, and guys like Emenem are trying to be cool, everybody looks and walk and talks, like they are Ghetto. Even my grandmother, who is ninety five, was like “Wassup Blood” and she was all hecka hella and shit. And I said “grandma you look stupid with your pants hanging off your ass and your hat all twisted to the side, and what is hecka hella” and she was like. ‘It’s all good and shit.”

So I’m in this diner and I noticed that even the girls were tuff. they had Dyke haircuts and were dressing ugly and they were going to take no shit. then I got in my car and a guy in a gigantic Truck was all tuff as he drove by me all pissed that I was going to slow.And he was on the phone like an asshole. And it got me thinking, that America has a real self esteem problem.

We, America, that is, needs to get laid. People only act like that when they need to get laid. Not me, I look like I’m about to cry and I start to run around with my hands out yelling “Hurry” but I’m different. I wish we would drop this tuff guy thing all together. And you women need to stop fucking tuff guys. I know they are cute and they are edgy, but knock it off, you’re rewarding all the wrong people.


I also think that anyone who writes for Disney shouldn’t get laid, but that’s another story.

your pal Randy

Re: The People vs. John Ashcroft

Tuesday, January 30th, 2001

I’m sorry that if ANYONE ( wes ) is annoyed, but if there’s one thing this last election should have taught us, it is :


Now you folks are getting a little all fired up here! And I’d like to point out the advantages to being uninvolved always and a lots! Let’s face it, Politics and womanly issues can make a feller bunchy. I remember when Regan was in Grenada, and he said that all those little Grenada kids couldn’t go on welfare cause they were un american. Or the time when he said that, …uh… he said that…Well REGAN SUCKS! Anyway the point is, that Chips Ahoy Chocolate chip cookies are much better than Graham Crackers. And I’ll stand by that one. I don’t see why you people are fiddling around with Ergonomics and all that while we are in the middle of an Chocolate Chip Crisis. When was the last time that any of you dunked a chips ahoy in a cold glass of milk. Last night for me. Where you been? Your priorities are all screwed up! Nobody knows who right, but we all like to chug a cold class of milly after a good chocolate chip cookie. Now I don’t want to hear anymore about this. I’ve met John Ashcroft, and he likes jelly donuts so fuck him.


Re: That’s THREE Arrests for Bush, and that rules!

Friday, November 3rd, 2000

I’m not claiming that arrest records or drug use makes someone a better politician: only that this shouldn’t distract you when there are far more important issues to consider.

I hate to say it, but you guys are missing the point. They just want your money. One side just takes it, and the other does it, but in a friendly way. And one side will never get elected anyway. One side puts it’s hands on the farmers shoulders and looks dismayed, while the other side pushes the farmer off the tractor. It really depends on whatever way you like better. For those of you who have a lot of money, I’m sure you would prefer the guys who help you keep your money, and to keep those other dirty people off your wallets. For those of you who have very little money, I’m sure you would prefer the guys who are really nice to you as they take your money. As for me I prefer my President to be a drug addicted sex fiend. I feel better knowing that the people that are taking my money, know how to spend it. On Drugs and Sex. Cause that’s what I spend my money on anyway. Why can’t we have a president who gets assassinated by a bad stash? Or too much coke? I have to admit it, since Bill got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, I noticed a change in my love life. Things began to get a little more experimental if you know what I mean, and I think you know what I mean. If the president of the united states can boogie down disco style, than why can’t I? Do you guys see what’s going on here? I mean when Regan was in the white house I couldn’t even get a girl friend. Of coarse I was in high school and I had acne all over my face and I would puke if a girl even talked to me, but you know what I mean. I know that some of you can write back and explain “the two party system against the three party system” and use a lot of big words, but don’t. For one thing I can never understand all those big words, and another thing is that it has nothing to do with monsters or girls. Just do me a favor. When you get your check today, look at how much money you actually made, then look down at how much money you actually got. Then think really, really hard, and ask yourself if you wanted to give that money to any of those retards.

I bet you that if George E Washington was still alive, he would smack us all in the head

I love you guys


Dagbnabbit you people are sick

Friday, September 22nd, 2000

Listen here folks, I’m here to give you guys a little warning about not voting. Now as many of you people well know, I’ve never voted a god damn day in my life. I’ve never cast my opinion on any important issue that plagues human kind. Now it’s not that I don’t think these things are important, it’s that I just don’t care. I don’t care enough to ever get up off my lazy ass and walk on down to the …uhh, wherever the hell people go and vote, and cast my important two cents. I call this my right as a god damn American. Ha ha ha , never cared! Ahh ha, very funny. “But Randy some people in the world have no rights, as an american… and”…. Ahh ha ha Too bad. Lazy. Now this kind of progressive thinking has got me and my lazy backside into some trouble. A couple of years ago I wrote a little ditty about not voting, and since then I started to get some really weird presents from people, who oddly enough remain anonymous. Once I got a severed head that said VOTE on the scalp, once I got a baby doll that was tied up in a funny way and said Spank Me on It’s tender little bottom. Now today I get Some animal doll with it’s head all blue in a bag with it’s arms cut off and some things written on it I wouldn’t even say to my sailor friends over a beer in a dark tavern. Now, I’m not easily offended. Remember that time that Phil drooled on me from Bay one upper, and it got all in my eyes. Or the time when Phil and Jim Bloom threw rocks at me from inside the gate until I cried. Now I can handle that, but messing up a little stuffed doll is too much. You people are sick.