Archive for the ‘Sexuality’ Category

Hitting It

Monday, October 23rd, 2006

speaking of Masturbation

I had a real crazy masturbation weekend. I don’t know if it’s what I ate, ot the fact that I’ve been doing push ups, or the fact that I was higher then Bob Marley, but I really “hit it” this weekend. And by saying “hit it” I mean a lot.

As a guy, and I’m talking a healthy guy on a Saturday, most of the time, I can rock a double banger. Once in the morning and once at night. But I have to say I more then doubled that on Saturday alone.

My helmut hurt

That’s called “hitting it.”

Maybe it’s because I’m getting old, and I’ll only look good masturbating for maybe ten more years, or maybe it’s a mid life thing.

And I got into it. I had my feet in the air, and I said stuff out loud, like ” You like that baby?” I may have even yelled “Suck it! ” at the porno, it was great.

Next weekend I’m going to try and knock one out, on all three’s

Most of my friends tell me, to play with my anus, but to tell you the truth, I’m not into that. I think that’s a little much, but to each his own.

your pal Randy

Weta Commercial

Wednesday, September 27th, 2006

In response to the really cool Katamari-esque commercial by WETA:

Do you people realize that most everyone else on the planet think that we are disgusting? If you don’t believe me, go out tonight and find someone who is even just a little attractive and tell them what you do for a living, and then count how many seconds it takes for them to change the subject. “Hi honey, My name is randy, and I worked on the Matrix Th…..”

“wait, where are you going?”

your pal Randy

Sad but true.

Men and Women

Tuesday, July 11th, 2006

Also, lets cut the bullshit.

Men and women are not equal. I’ll prove it.

First off, women are as smart as men and as capable as men and can do everything a man can do

Except kill shit. In this category us men rule. Sure women can kill and sometimes they do, but we have them beat ten thousand to one. We will kill shit without even thinking about it and we do it with vigor, and showmanship. Did fucking women come up with the Iron maiden? hell no. How
about the guillotine? men.

Compared to men, women suck at killing. And that goes for that bitch Ann Coulter, sure she says some things that makes my man Soren mad, But my Homeboy Bush, he takes care of business. Ask those assholes in Iraq what they think of Ann Coulter and they wont even know who you are talking about

Ask them about Bush and they know him well. For killing the fuck out of their friends and families, just like my man Sadam did.

Men are as good and willing as women and as capable as any women in the world.

Except for getting laid. Compared to women, we fucking suck at it. Lets face it ninety percent of jerky couldn’t get laid tonight if we had a thousand dollars. Except for Lafferty, but I’m not talking about rock stars, I’m talking about men. Tonight , as we lie back and that little bit of semen is drying on the back of our hands there will be thousands and thousands of women who could have walked into any bar and shouted, “I feel like fucking tonight!” and there would be a line going out the door.

While us men try and figure out what volume to put the porn on, so our girlfriends don’t here.

And if you want to know the extent of it, I’ll give you something to think about.

All your guy friends would fuck your girlfriend right now, in front of you, if you let them, while you flip your little limp penis off to the side trying to get a hard on. And none of her girlfriends want anything to do with you.

except for Lafferty, but like I said he don’t count.

So please don’t talk about men and women being equal, it makes me sick.

Your pal Randy

step over here please

Monday, June 19th, 2006

It is illegal to impersonate a police officer. I think it should also be against the law to impersonate an asshole. Especially since there are way more assholes than cops. Of coarse, most cops are assholes, and that is something I still need to figure out. But being an asshole should be against the law.

On my way home from work on Friday, it seems that everyone on the road was an asshole. I thought that the Hollywood Bowl must have had an asshole convention and wouldn’t you know it, it got let out just as I was on my way home from work. I tried to tell everyone that I was tired, but since they were assholes they didn’t seem to care.

I also think that there should be a death penalty for people who are really good looking, but they are assholes. I think that is actually worse then global warming. Because wasting a beautiful body with an asshole personality is not acceptable. I mean a mass murderer who kills people and eats them is ok, but a fine looking woman who is a bitch, deserves to die. And, by my calculations, a lot of people here in Los Angeles, need to die.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just women. Guys are among the biggest assholes in my book, almost all of the men around the world need to die. not only because I want to fuck all of the women on the planet, but because they are really big assholes.

I think for starters, all guys with mustaches should be executed, unless of coarse they are gay, then that’s ok to have a mustache. But if you are straight and you have a mustache please step over here. Unfortunately, guys who have pony tails would need to go too. Ponytails don’t necessarily make you an asshole, but you should be killed because you don’t know how stupid you look. I guess that does make you an asshole.

Also, I think if you are really fashionable, like you are up to date on the trends, and you look great, you should have to have sex with anyone who asks you. Like if you are a dude, and you have a white hat and some shades and the pencil beard, and some bling, and a bunch of gay men want to fuck you in the bathroom, I think by law you should have to do it. Because why on earth would you walk around dressed like that if your not going to be somebody’s fuck doll?

Also, if you are a really hot teacher I think by law you shouldn’t be allowed to have sex with your students, but you should have to have sex with me.

I think with just a few new asshole rules we can turn the beat around and make this a really great place to live, especially for me. And I love that.


Prostitutes are the best women on earth. Fact.

I love you people, and for some of you, not only do I love your minds, but I also love your bodies.

your pal Randy

I’ll take her.

Thursday, May 25th, 2006

That is the most awesome thing I have ever seen. That’s better then the movie E.T. The extraterrestrial.

As a guy, and by this I mean a guy who looks like me. You get a lot of judgment when you are out and about trying to talk to women. And especially in LA some women act like they can’t believe you would even waste their time, by talking to them. It’s like you have about five or six seconds to put on enough of a show to entertain them. I sing and dance, but it never works.

I know that they are usually either crazier then a shithouse rat, or they are so boring , that you need to take a pillow with you, so your head wont hurt after it smashes into your dinner plate at the restaurant. I know that. But fuckit, I can dream.

In my dream all those women on that site aren’t crazy. And they don’t care that I forgot to mention their mother. And they don’t need to look into my eyes and feel a connection. The only thing that they want to talk about is when they can perform oral sex on me, because they Need it so bad. And if I have met their friend Helga who has been naughty.

I know . I know. I know what your saying.

Your saying, Go ahead and dream Randy, because women aren’t like that. And I”m sure that you feel that way, but you’re not masturbating right now, like I am.




Wow. Anyway, you guys are ok.

Your pal randy

Religion, you and me.

Monday, March 27th, 2006

Now I know that people get all fiery when they either talk about Religion, or this administration. But I think there are some other things that we need to take into consideration here. For instance…. bitches.

It is scientifically proven that we do most everything we do, to get ourselves some bitches. Christ, I’ll even open up a account on myspace. Let’s just think about this. Do any of you think that Saddam would grow that stupid mustache if he didn’t want to score some tail? And The only reason that my main man George W, is at war is not oil, or 911, but it’s the fact that he got himself a dumpy chick. You wanna know who doesn’t fight, or believe in any of that religious nonsense? I’ll tell you who. Hue Heffner. Why? because he goes to bed with six hot bitches every night. You will also never find him on jerky complaining about the government or if there is a god or not. Because he is most likely getting some right now. You wanna know who also doesn’t fight? Ron Jeremy, who is so ugly that they out to name a country after him. But you know what, he gets more bitches then all of us put together. He is a peaceful man. The rest of us are angry. Priests are guys who know they’ll never get laid, so they pull that abstinence bullshit as a cover, or they like little boys, I don’t know.

The real discussion, if you want to have one, is why women all over the world, won’t fuck the shit out of us, so we can have some peace and quiet on this planet. So what, we’re ugly, and Joe cum’s too quick. It’s not his fault. We need teams of hot bitches to land where ever there is some fighting and start fucking the shit out of us.Like Charlies Angeles Those ugly fucks at the white house need team pussy and quick.

Girls, I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking, how dare he rat us out like that. Sorry. but if you girls are going to walk around with such nice hiney’s and stuff, and then only fuck guys who are tall and look like Brad Pitt, then you are going to have a war on your hands, and worse, a bunch of dudes talking about religion.

just think about it,

your pal randy

How to get Girls

Friday, December 15th, 2000

I know that in our field it is mighty tough to score a date with women today. I’ve had many lonely years myself. But last year I took a coarse called “How to score BIG with women” and it has changed my life. Shit some days I have twelve or fifteen girls wanting to kiss me, and it’s really simple. And since it’s Christmas, I’m going to give away secrets to you guys for free. You will thank me later.

#1. When you pee pee on the toilet seat, clean it off.

I don’t know why, but this one really works well with the lady’s. They just love it.

#2. Replace the toilet paper all by yourself.

Again, those rascally women really go bananas about bathroom stuff. When I try this one at home my girl just goes mad, the passion starts flying.

#3. Flush the funny Poo Poo stuff.

Some days me and my brothers call each other in and look at how funny it is, and we laugh for hours, sometimes days. But Girls I guess have no sense of humor, or something. So making it go by by, is a safe bet. Again, I don’t understand, but it works.

next week I’ll tell how a clean kitchen counter equals “Make out city”

good luck guys”

— your pal randy

Re: stop the porno

Tuesday, May 18th, 1999

Brad Sturtevant wrote:

some jerk is sending all kinds of porno accoss my netscape screen. Please cut this crap out.


Now now kids, This is not the way to get along. If you keep this up, we won’t have any netscape soon. Don’t joke around with programmers or Porn they are both serious subjects.

ps if they take away netscape and I can’t get to my special sites, I’ll hunt the bastard down and kill him.