Archive for the ‘Star Wars’ Category

Star Wars

Thursday, October 12th, 2006


Now as many of you know. I had the Kenner Darth Vader action figure, when I was seven. And I played with it. That was until my penis started working, then I played with that instead.

What is it about Star Wars that makes gown people act like such assholes? Is it because these people never found their penis? I say penis because the Star Wars geek is slanted just slightly to the boys side. Slightly.

I don’t get it.

Spaceships are wonderful, under two very specific circumstances. One is that you are seven. And the other one is that you work for Nasa. The rest of us should by all practical means, be bored out of our minds by spaceships.

Now I know that most of us work for some visual effects company, and at the and of the day after you masturbate you might tell yourself that the childish peter pan thing that makes so many women sick, is justified because you work in special effects.

and to this I say When has ILM put out anything worth watching? Let me guess Van Helsing? Or was it attack of the clones?

I want you to look down at you desk right now. And if you see an action figure and you are not seven years old, I want you to throw it away.

If we keep acting like this, our kids will be born without sex organs

Your pal Randy

George Lucas Urinated In My Eyes

Friday, May 28th, 1999

Randy Maul

Since the beginning of film, there has been many triumphs, and many mistakes. There has been people who try and get their soul out to the masses and people who sold their houses to help make a creative act. There are many, many, many things that have not worked. And as human being it is our right to use this knowledge to grow and change. It is the one true thing that separates us from all other life forms. We can see mistakes and we can learn from them. We can CHANGE. There is one word that describes the one true mistake of the 20th century, it is not war, or hate or killing. It is not starvation, or environmental extermination. it is simply Jar Jar.

I have never in my life seen a bigger piece if shit than Star Wars episode who gives a shit. My god, I don’t even know where to start. All the pot in the world could not help that film. It was an onslaught of unimaginative garbage being spewed through a plato pump called TOY’S R US. The very fact that George is one of the only men in the world who can make a movie without producers changing his vision, and a huge production company at his finger tips, and he made Jar Jar. Think about that. That man could have changed our opinions of the possibility’s of Science Fiction for ever. He could have proven anything, and he gave us Jar Jar. I sat in a movie theater for two and a half hours while George peed in my eyes. I gave that bastard five whole dollars to be shit on from a screen. I feel dirty. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “well now Randy, that’s a little harsh, actually I thought Darth maull was…NO, No No, there is no defending it. I don’t care that you liked Star Wars in 1977, and have all the action figures. Go into a dark room, breath a little, forget about Darth Vader, and think clearly. It sucked. every moment in that film sucked. It sucked even more than spawn. I know that if you looked fast enough you might see ET the extra terrestrial in the corner, who gives a shit, it sucked. And here is the killer, I know people who left good jobs to work on their dream movie. Can you imagine if you quit, and went to ILM and worked under those stupid conditions to fulfill your dream, and you got to work on Jar Jar. Remember those Japanese kids who would fail a test and commit suicide? Remember them? I thought that was a bit extreme, NOT ANY MORE. If I ever quit a studio, with some heart and integrity, and I worked at ILM under that ego land of uninspired geeks and George asked me to animate Jar Jar, I’d go home and suck on a shot gun. You would find me floating in a tub with my wrists cut and in blood on white tiles I would write Jar Jar did this. And to get off this morbid trail I’m going down, I will say this, even though we work on films that don’t get any credit at all, and we could never impress anyone with what we do. We stand alone in a mire of shit. We are one of the last beacons of hope in a film world gone mad. It doesn’t mean we don’t or wont work on shitty films, if you know what I mean and I think you do. But, have no delusions, it sucks out there.

be really proud people

your pal randy

> dude. you worked on, like, Komodo

I don’t think you got it. Komodo was a piece of shit, and will always be a piece of shit. BUT, nobody cares or will ever care about that movie. We will be lucky if it even comes out on video, or even a screen saver. You see the difference here. How long have we heard people chirp about Star Wars. There is not one kid in this country who is looking forward to Komodo. And I might be wrong here, but I bet our effects look like they are in the backround plate not on the backround plate.

Ps It’s ok, I have some action figures too.

your pal Randy

Star Wars Movie Review

Wednesday, May 19th, 1999

George Lucas

This has spoilers….so don’t read if you need to see for yourself.

Anyway, I got a call from George lucas, the guy with the chin neck and the funny metal shavings beard., and he said that they were going to have a special screening with Steven spealburg of Goonies fame and steven Segal the balding guy with the pony tail who’s always kicking ass, and the fat guy Ebert who likes movies that make you cry, or anything from Disney. and a whole bunch of people from ABC, CBS and E entertainment, and Evel Kenevial. But that was it cause George doesn’t want to hype this movie too much. So I figured ok, I’ll go, but Me and Evel Kenevial get to sit in the back. So we went to the theater, and it was nice. Me Evel and steve Segal we got stoned in the parking lot, and so when I was walking in, I couldn’t stop staring at Georges neck beard thing. It’s kind of creepy. Evel was starting shit with the popcorn kid, throwing popcorn at his head and telling him he could jump him and his whole family, it was gonna be a good show. I was pumped.

So down goes the lights, up comes the theme music, so far so good. We start out with all that far, far away blah blah blah stuff and I’m so high I think I’m gonna just run out of the theater, then we focus in on this Jar Jar character, and Evel Kenevial starts laughing really loud, I mean loud. It sounded like sobody’s baby crying in the theater. George is turning around all mad, it was getting really bad. So This Jar Jar guy who looks like a big texture map is walking around all stupid, and then there is this kid from Eight is Enough who delivered a great performance, and the guy from Train spotting with a really bad haircut, but no Darth Vader. Now I know that the little eight is enough kid is supposed to be Darth Vader, but come on. They tried to make another villain but it looked like a little circus monkey with face paint on. So here is the movie. Alot of texture maps walk around in every scene and then there is a sword fight with a double edged light saber and the circus monkey with face paint is all bad, and then a whole bunch of space ships float around with some more texture maps that don’t fit into the background plate. and then there is some sad music, and then right when I was getting into the movie and that Jar Jar texture map guy was getting so annoying that I started to like him, Evel Kenevial yells…” YOU SUCK!” and farts really loud. So now George is pissed, and we get kicked out of the theater, That sissy Segal, shrank down in his seat as George came buy with the flashlight. And the real killer is, when george shined the light on Evel’s face he had a mouth full of popcorn and he farted again and said “youthf schuckth! spitting popcorn all over the place.

So anyway, I didn’t get to see the end of the film. and Me and Evel are BANNED from THe RANCH. but all in all it was a really good movie. The animation was excellent, they didn’t cut any corners, the rendering is second to none. A great job really. I would be proud that when I left this earth I would have left behind that legacy.

that’s all

your pal