Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

burritos – north vs. south.

Monday, May 15th, 2006

I think your problem isn’t finding good mexican food. It’s that you’re not smoking enough pot. If you are as high as you should be, you wouldn’t care if you were eating taco bell. So knock it off and smoke a fucking gorilla finger, and then you would be happy to eat a graham cracker with some cheese and some peanut butter, and some potato chips crushed up and sprinkled on it.

Also, since I left the Bay area, I haven’t been able to find a strip club that that they will go down on you, but I’m still looking, and I am being positive about it. And this is LA, you would figure that the strippers here, would blow you for a quarter.

I mean really

your pal Randy

I’m not too handsome

Wednesday, March 29th, 2006

If you wanted to know the truth. It’s that my body is quite disgusting. I’m kind of flabby and I have hair on my back and my skin is roughly the color of milk, and when it’s tan, it turns the color of cheese. It’s sick really. Last year I worked out a lot, and I was kind of fit, but I gave
up, because I’m lazy.

And do you want to know why I don’t take my shirt off in public? Self respect. I don’t have a lot of it, not enough to do “sit ups” anyway, but enough to know that nobody want to see my disgusting body by the pool.

This is why I don’t understand why some people will talk on the cell phone in places like books stores and movie theaters and shit like that. Don’t they know that’s disgusting? I was in Barnes and Nobles today, and this guy was talking, slightly less louder then a rock concert, about his car. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to watch him get raped by elephants, and tigers. Has he no idea? Really what is it about cell phones?

There are a lot of things I hate that I can look the other way on, like Rap music, and people who are fashionable, and white kids who act like they are ghetto. and Uh.. actually everyone who acts like they are ghetto. And rap music. But this shit has to stop.

look, I know you’re lonely, and nobody wants to go to lunch with you. But walking around with a phone to your ear, doesn’t make you any less disgusting, or lonely. Do me a favor. If you walked around in public today chatting on the phone, go home, and take a nice hot bath, then kill yourself, because you are an asshole.

or put a shirt on that shit

Your pal Randy

Re: as if we didn’t know

Tuesday, March 7th, 2006

Actually I was at Alfa beta, one time, and I coordinated an extreme attack on a women’s baddonka donk, with a bit of slappidus, but she countered with a no noosky, leaving my penis wanty and hurty with rejection.

I never know what the hell you guys are talking about but i do know this…

Hackers and people who make viruses are a bunch of fags, and I don’t mean people of the same sex who like each other either. It’s not fair that when I want to masturbate, some asshole gets my computer all locked up. If you are going to make a virus and fuck someone up, do it to those asshole who are looking up or the new Curious George movie.

lets look at some facts.

It is most likely that the people creating viruses are men. Why? because I don’t think women give enough of a shit about computers to spend there time creating a virus. And if you are a women spending your time creating viruses, then you should get Beheaded on video.

And if you are a man, and you are interfering with another mans masturbation pleasure, then you are an asshole. That is fucking science, I’m sorry.


I don’t care if it’s a PC or a Mac, I’ll cum on it.

your pal Randy

I’ll tell you

Thursday, March 2nd, 2006

LA rules for a couple of reasons. Warm weather, an amazing city. Beautiful beaches, and tits.

Don’t get me wrong. Because I love beautiful beaches and warm weather. But I really , really love tits. People say, Randy, what kind of tits do you like? Big Ones? Doesn’t matter. I don’t discriminate, and I am no racist. I love them all, even old ones.

What I hate is the people who own the tits. They never let me do anything. I can’t hold em or suckle, and they give me nasty looks when I stare at their beautiful tits. Like that’s a crime. Sometimes I watch the golden sunset, or watch the ocean for hours, but I am a criminal for staring at the ebb and flow of some beautiful breasts.

But I have found a way around that. Hookers.

This is why I am proud to be an American. That and fishsticks.

your pal randy

Re: randy did u post this?

Wednesday, April 6th, 2005

Looks like some asshole is trying to steal my thunder. Fuck him

But I’ll tell you one thing.

I love prostitutes. Really. I saw one on my way to work today, and I wanted to jump out of my car, and give her a rose, and tell her what she means to me. Then maybe get a blow job. But really I admire them, and I’ll tell you why.

I’m ok looking. I’m no Brad Pitt or Mike Brazelberg. I’m just ok. I get all of my action because I can really work a room. Girls don’t ever want to fuck me when they see me, that’s ok. I do just fine, and for those of you who know me, know that I have a girl and she loves me, and when she is really drunk she wants to fuck me, so life is good.

But regular women don’t give me the time of day. And women in a bar, act like I owe them money. I mean they are downright hostile when I talk to them. It’s like I really crossed the line by asking them how they are doing, probably because they are waiting for some really fine guy to talk to them, and I’m in the way.

But Prostitutes, they don’t care about any of that shit. They don’t care that I’m not great looking, or that I’m not famous. They don’t care that I’m not the coolest guy in the bar, or that I don’t dress like I’m in the White Stripes, with my emo pants on. Prostitutes, don’t care, that I think that
rap music is worse then getting your head shot off with a shotgun. Prostitutes don’t care if I have a girlfriend, or if I cheat.

They don’t even care if I can make them orgasm. All they want is my fucking money.

and I have tons of that.

Your pal Randy

I”m going to post this shit on craigslist

little kids suck

Thursday, March 15th, 2001

I’ll tell you what I miss from the old days, I miss the glory. Back when I was a kid, we used to smash all sorts of things. We would smash tv sets, we would smash bee’s nests, We would smash my little brothers car models. Christ we would light them on fire and then smash them. We had a junk yard about four miles from my house, and we would walk there and sneak in. Then we would smash everything that could be smashed. We would use bats and pipes. Have you ever smashed one of those big florescent bulbs that explode glass everywhere, and let out some toxic gas? we did. We would throw those things at each other like they were spears. We would run at each other and smash them together as we passed, like jousting. We would stand on tv sets and smash the glass, and the tubes. Have you ever run straight into a sliding glass door swinging a bat until the thunderclap of broken glass filled your ears. Then you start laughing to all you friends because half of your cheek is dangling open? “Oh shit, moms gonna be pissed!” remember that? I started thinking about that last night, because like an asshole I got a computer and I was trying to figure out how to plug in the monitor.

God do I miss the glory days


Re: BMW repair Shop?

Monday, January 29th, 2001

Hi all..I’m new to the area and my darn sunroof is stuck in a semi open position which is semi frustrating me. Anyone got some good suggestions for a good and trustworthy BMW repair shop. If it is one that specializes in body or does work on the M series, that would be even more nifty even!

Hi everyone.

I have a toyota corona from 1976. it has no interior, It’s seats are not bolted down, and Blue smoke pukes out of it whenever I drive. I think it’s a shit series. If anyone can tell me why I drive such a horrendous pile of dung, while others drive Porches and BMW’s I’d like that. Gibby would tell me to stay the hell out of the strip clubs for about a week, but that’s why I’m not asking Gibby. I always thought that by the time I reached thirty I would have my fortune. But I think I gave it to a girl named Amber. Anyway, about that pile of dung. If anyone here is getting sick of having their sun roof on the Porsche not close all the way, I’m selling my car. It’s called the bandit, and it’s just barely worth a coconut. It doesn’t have a sun roof, but it does have a jagged row of metal that you have to duck under when you try and sit in it. I’m going to scrap this poor artist crap, and go for the New Tech effects guy look. My accountant says that nine out of ten girls like guys who worked on Star wars episode one, as compared to guys who worked on starship troopers. This morning I tried to pull on a black turtle neck, but it ripped on my fat jowl. Mark my words, I’m going to get it. When I get my new car, a corvette stingray, my license pate is going to say “effects guy”. And let me tell you….droves of girls.

anyway, If you want to buy my car, or you can help with my new look, let me know.

your pal R.J.Krandell

fruit drink

Friday, December 15th, 2000

He didn’t remember how the tussle started, but the old lady wouldn’t let go of the Astronaut Tang drink. She was screaming at him and pulling the bottle of sweet juice from his hands, and he was sure as hell that they could hear her all the way up to the check out counter.”I’m gonna drop her” he thought, then a left hook came up at him from nowhere and sent him spinning. “God, the old bag really packed a punch”, He thought, as he flew against the soup cans spilling them everywhere. And that was the last straw. He got back up on his feet and launched a kick at her mid section, she spun around fast, and he felt his nose crunch under the heel of her shoe, and warm blood run down his face. ” That freaking”…another blow to the face, the world was spinning. He was in the prime of his life, he worked out every day, and played soccer and football. He hoped that his school buddy’s didn’t see this one, the old bird was at least seventy. CRACK! She elbowed him in the eyes. He felt her hands grab his hair and he saw her knee rush up at him.. CRACK! Everything spinning, his bottom lip danced around his chin…”Looks like I’m going to have to take the old hag down” he thought as he rushed her. He felt the BONK! of the Tang bottle against the back of his skull, and he felt his belly slap against the cold floor of the supermarket as pasta boxes broke open and flew everywhere. He was dimly aware that she was banging his head against the tile over and over again. And that a line of police officers were screaming and drawing their weapons. ” That’s funny” he thought as the world spun black..” I like Cool Aid much better”.

Halloween Blood Sport

Wednesday, October 4th, 2000

Well now, Autum is here, and that means Halloween, and that means fun and frolic. Here in SanFransisco they do holloween a little different than we used to when we were young little sprouts, but you still get tricks or treats I suppose. Lot’s of treats if you go to the Castro if you know what I mean, and I think you know what I mean. But back in the day Halloween was very different. it was down right frightening. Now I have two older brothers and even though one of them is a little skinny and kind of wimpy, I’m telling you, bike pants are baggy on him, it’s disgusting. Anyway, When we were little kids, in my neihborhood, Halloween ment you were going to get your ass beaten pretty bad. Some times you would get an egg in the face , or some shaving cream up the nose, stuff like that. It was a truly celebrated holiday of biblical proportions. I mean, going home crying with a razor blade sticking in your lips. It was cool. Now days nothing. Kids get screwed. I’m telling you. Everybody says that kids are violent because of tv and video games, thats a load of crap. Just ask Dave Rosenthol, the guy from Film IO. He’ll tell you. Kids are violent because they aren’t getting the crap beaten out of them like in the 1970’s. That’s the problem. Kids today want to have someone twice there age, dig their faces into the dirt with their shoes. It’s important. The most peacful people on the planet have had the snot beaten out of them at an early age. Now take kids today, Parents are so scared that their precious little billy is going to be abused at school. When I was a kid we had a Gym coach named miss Banta, She was so ugly that not only did we not know if she was a boy or a girl, we didn’t know if she was human. She could pop a volly ball with her armpits. She could throw her shoe off with her foot and hit you square in the head from across the gym.And she was also the nurse, so she would knee you one in the stones for missing the volley and then when you went up to see the nurse she would smack you in the back of the head for being a sissy. I’ve never been in a fight in my life. You guys starting to see how this works? Nowdays you’ve got drive by’s and you have middle class white kids listening to the Beasty Boy music, I’m telling you it aint right. We need to kick their ass. We need to save the children. I say we get some shaving cream and some eggs, and some bats and pipes and go down to the middle school or the kindergarden, and give those kids a beating they wont forget.

your pal


Re: cell phones

Thursday, May 4th, 2000

A lot of us at work (including myself) have cell phones, and I wanted to; take a moment to remind you to set the ringer to “less” when you’re here at work.

Or leave the dirty machines home altogether. If you need to talk to someone, talk to the person you sit next to, who is annoyed at listening to your dumb phone conversation. I noticed one thing in particular. When people get a call at work, they are a little quiet. “Ohhh your on the phone again”. Get on, take care of business, get off. People get on their cell phones and they lose control of their volume switch. ” LOOK AT ME PEOPLE I’M ON THE PHONE”. I know you can’t help it, they are so new and exciting. Last night at dinner I watched a very bored woman sit and play with her food while a man talked and talked and talked and talked on the phone. Can’t anyone see how stupid that behavior is. It’s Dumb. I know what your going to say, your going to say..” Well , What If my car breaks down, and…” SHUT UP!. Open your glove compartment, and call triple A. Until then realize that you are annoying everyone else. Don’t think that I don’t listen in when your on the cell phone. I try so hard to hear one conversation that is of any importance. Just one. I have never heard anyone use a cell phone for any of the reasons that they say they are getting them for. It’s always, “oh yeah, cool, Yeah, cool, talk to ya later” I’m telling you people, trust me on this one. DUMB. For Those people who are important, and actually are needed, I’m not talking to you. For the rest of us little meaningless schleps, buy a new calculator, they are small, they look new and space age too, they have lots of little buttons to push, and they are quiet.

Start a new trend, leave the dumb things home and talk to a real live person right next to you.

your pal randy