Your Pal Randy

Ok here we go..

First off I’m gonna skip right to the end of the movie. It SUCKED. That was the most lame ending to a movie since Star Wars episode one. I’ve got a great idea when you’re making a movie…..HAVE A VISION. I’m not all that bright and all, but wouldn’t it help to have some sort of resolution to your story before you make it. I thought the whole point to telling a story was the ending, you know that vital point that gives it some punch, some extra ummph! Anyway, I guess being a great hollywood director relieves you of those annoying little things called plot and story. When Nell called him grandpa, I turned around and punched some little old lady who was sitting behind me, just so I could feel kinda good about how stupid that one was. There is only one movie in the history of movies that I believe you are allowed to call somebody grandpa, and that’s TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. But that’s a whole other story. As for the rest of the movie, I kinda liked it. There was some scary mansion stuff, there was great sound effects through the whole movie, and the characters were ok. Boy did I think I was going to hate that blonde dude with the fucked up nose. He looked like such an ass, but he was funny. I also liked the fact that they didn’t do stupid shit like root around in the cellar with a candle. They all seemed like smart people. When Nell ran into rooms she turned the light on. And when they figured out that the little brat wasn’t lying and there was a mean old ghost in the house, they started trying to bust out, breaking shit. I liked that part too. All and all I liked a lot of the movie, and I have a little something to tell you people, so you understand where my pride is coming from. As a kid I loved Horror movies, and I still do. Like many of you, I hung some fangoria posters from An American Werewolf in London on my wall, and dreamed of sculpting for Rick Baker, or getting the at home fx package from Dick Smith, and him calling me personally and being flabbergasted with how good my work was, and well…none of that stuff happened, and I got into animation, doing really bad clay tv commercials, and basically dry humping the cash cow for years, just to earn a living. But my desire to see a person get torn to pulpy pieces by some large animal, never really went away. And one fine day I guess I fooled Mr Tippett into thinking I was good enough to work on some bug movie. Well Five movie later I’m still killing people on the screen. We aren’t making movies about little cute bugs who want to be accepted in society, we aren’t making movies that The mighty ape man is best friends with Rosie Odonell and they sing together. We are killing and hurting innocent people, and it feels great. Think about it…Five for five…Even in a Disney movie we swallowed a man whole.

and let’s face it….thats fucking great.

July 26, 1999

this just in. . .

HEY FOLKS I THINK THIS IS A REVIEW FROM MY BROTHER DAVID

randy

What in the hell are you thinking! Working on a PG 13 horror movie? Horror movies are not PG13. Bless the Beasts and Children is PG 13. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and The Boy in the Bubble is PG 13. You can’t get scared with PG 13. You can get cottoncandy and a hickey, but not up late at night with doody pants. I want doody pants! Don’t make me write these letters.

Well kids, once again the giant belly rumbled and churned out some more bad gas, and this time it swung from a tree. It was everything I expected, and a whole lot more. Phil Collins score was almost as good as his hit song su..su…sudio, except he is that much older and suckier. The problem with Disney is not that they don’t know how to animate, because they are great at it. It’s not that they don’t hire great artists, because the do. It’s because everyone they hire to write a movie is a gutless chickenneck that doesn’t have the ideas or coahonnies to come up with somthing better than the last piece of toilet paper. I know why kids are walking into schools and shooting people, it’s cause they are fed up with spending seven fifty to watch another movie that insults a four year old’s intelegence. Thank my lucky stars that I grew up in the seventies, when nobody gave a shit about shocking kids or offending people, we all waited to see Evil Kenivelle crash, and he did it for us.( Just think about it …. his first name was EVIL.) I wish to god, some kid would walk into the right board room and shoot people, I mean we are waisting bullets for christ sake. Anyway, here is the new Disney trick. they don’t let the characters speak for the first five or ten minutes of the film. Because they don’t want people to walk out. So they figure by the time their cow cud characters start to talk people are too lazy to leave. Once again, the art in the movie was ground breaking, awe inspiring, fantastic. The Ideas and characters were the same as Beuty and the beast or the little mermaid. It starts to feel like you’re puking and eating it and puking and eating it.