Archive for November, 1999

the day grandpa John went down

Monday, November 22nd, 1999

Usually, about this time of year I start to get a little sentimental with all the holiday shit. I start to get excited about hour long specials where you can watch little clay dentists hang out with little clay reighndeer, and do funny stuff in the snow. But really, it has a lot to do with my grandpa. Big John we called him, I think he was blind, if he wasn’t his glasses were so thick, that he should have been. He was also pretty fat, I don’t know how he buttoned his shirt, because he stopped buying clothes when he was thin, so you could always see undershirt between the stretched buttons. Needless to say the kids all loved him. Grandpa John could sleep like the devil. I swear you couldn’t wake that bastard up from a nap with dynamite, and he took naps whenever he wanted, which was quite often. So anyway one Thanksgiving we took that dreaded ride into New Jersey which is kind of like eating warm mayonnaise. Two long hours in the car all jammed up in a suit, destination…..junkyard, just to see Grandpa John sleep. We arrive, no presents from grandma, sit around in a stink house waiting for the goddamn turkey to get done. Now here is the deal. Us Link kids were at the age where we couldn’t care less about food, you know? That was for the grownups, so with no presents from cheap ass grandma we were on our own. That of coarse left Grandpa John.

We snuck in the living room, and he was asleep in a chair. Like a big blind hunk of meat. mouth open snoring like some big animal you’ve never seen before. I swear you could feel the air rushing past your ears at he breathed. We crept up to the god awful opening and peered in. Something like a cows tongue moved inside and we ran for cover. After a bit it was apparent that the sleepy demon wasn’t going to stir, My brother Chris threw a marble inside….not a sound. It never hit whatever ground was in there. We giggled like kids will and then I threw in a pencil. Now, all of you who have never laughed at the retard bus can send me mail about how cruel I am, but the rest of you should just shut up. Well anyway, it became sort of a game, what things can we throw into Grandpa John’s mouth without him waking up. Well we got all sorts of really neat stuff in there. Every now and again a boot would bounce off his cheek, but we were a pretty good shot for little kids. We got up to his cigar ashtray I think when the smell of Turkey came floating in the room. When all of a sudden. Wham! his eyes shot open. “How ya doing boys” he said as he got up smacking his lips. I’m gonna go get the turkey neck he said and patted me on the head. After that we all sat down had a nice meal. Grandpa John was in rare form, eating and laughing, and getting our names mixed up. We finished dinner,he went into the next room sat down in his easy chair and never got up again. To this day, it is our little secret.

We never got caught, and I always give thanks.


bring it on!

Friday, November 19th, 1999

I was routing through my change draw the other day, and I made an amazing discovery. Pennies suck ass. Ive got shit loads of these things, and they aint worth spit. Pennies suck so much ass, they are not even worth gathering them together to make a dollar. And that’s because it takes a hundred of them, and a dollar is almost not worth spit. Why the hell do things cost five fifty one? Why the one? Who cares about the one cent. Not me. I care about cookies, I care about cookies and milly. But I could give a rats ass about pennies. Why do things cost ninety nine cents, god damnit! I would give up the one cent every time just to make it even. It drives me nuts. We live in a god damn world where you can slide a plastic card in a slot, and buy a motorcycle, we put a man on the freaking moon, and I’m walking around with pennies in my pockets. it aint right.

your pal R.J.Krandell

Randy Krandy took my money!

Wednesday, November 10th, 1999

Ok, here we go.

Now about a month or so ago, a couple of the nice folks here bought me a gift certificate to see Elmo in grouch land, in hopes that I would write a review. And I just got an e-mail stating that Randy Krandy took my money! And although I cashed it in and then I bought a couple of hamburgers with it, I really resent the fact that people here are calling me a thief! Now as you all know I’m not the kind of guy to name names. Like Soren and Steve Ginsberg. But If I was I would I would say “Soren and Steve Ginsberg”. Not only do these two rat bastards buy me a ticket to see Elmo and Grouch land, they call me a thief, cause I turned there ticket into pure burger gold. So here is my excuse. First off, I’ve been so sedated on pot, booze, speed, and coke, that I haven’t found my own bathroom in the last week and a half. Do you guys have any idea how bad my underpants smell? And The other thing is I’ve been wandering the streets looking for love. Now I know you guys think I’m all ruff and tumble, and how can a man with abs of steel under a layer of fat find love? Well you just walk right out there and say” will you love me?” And about every five thousand girls say,”Yes, it will cost twenty bucks.” So you see, If i could make just one friend, I would have someone to go see muppet movies with, but the only idiot who is dumb enough to even go to lunch with me, Is Gibby, so you can all se how sick this life of mine really is. So now I promise ,not just to the two jackasses who think sending me to a muppet movie is funny, but to the whole dern studio, that this week I will go see the friggin googley eye cookie monster film, and write a review!

your pal R.J.Krandell