Archive for March, 2000

Re: There is no magic toilet fairy

Tuesday, March 28th, 2000

vicki wrote:

okay, i could be mistaken, but i thought we were all adults here…

as a general courtesy to others:
it’s bad enough that some people can’t clean up after themselves in the kitchen, but the bathroom really requires some common sense: SAY GOODBYE TO THE PAST, AND FLUSH THE TOILET AFTER YOURSELF. how hard could that be? no one wants to witness your dark secrets.

’nuff said.

As my dear old dad would say…” You sank my battle ship!”

–Remember this folks, poops are no laughing matter. There are some things in this world that you dont want to know about. And that rotten thing at the bottom of the toilet is one of them. This reminds me of the time I went to camp. I was a pretty sheltered kid and I never really hung out with the other kids. And as some of you may already know, I have three brothers. So I was quite uncomfortable around girls. Well, here I was at camp for two weeks and I ate custard and pie and cookies with steak and pancakes. I ate all sorts of shit. I ate berry’s off of trees that I wasn’t supposed to. But when it came time to letting go, I couldn’t. There was a girl I liked Eileen Scott and I was afraid she would hear me or see me some how. I was just too damn uncomfortable. Anyway I held on to breakfast lunch and dinner and all sorts of snacks for about two weeks. Remember Charleston chews? I had about two hundred of them. I couldn’t move. three days into it I started to grind my teeth. Thank god I was too young for coffee, if you know what I mean. Well anyway, Last day of camp they go ahead and make us do all these dumb races. Here I am trying to hold a freaking egg in a spoon and not let go of my eggo’s at the same time. To make matters worse they team me up with Eileen for the potato sack race. We get in, I’m in the worst pain I’ve ever been in. My stomach sounded like Trailer Truck and Eileen turns around and says that she likes me…A LOT. Boom. Bang. Zoom. I couldn’t clench anymore. I filled that entire bag with Jabba the hut if you know I mean. I rocked the Phantom menace twice if you know what I mean. Anyway, I felt a whole lot better, but I never spoke to Eileen Scott again. Poor girl, they had to cut the bag off us.

your pal Randell J Krandell

Stocks and Bonds

Thursday, March 23rd, 2000

If you think about it, people didn’t know squat about safety in the seventies. I mean, I look around now and I see people who ride bikes and they have got hecka hella gear. Helmets that make your head look funny. Weird Flash dance outfits all tight on your butt and stuff. Shoes that lock into the peddles? When I was a kid, my bicycle weighed about two hundred pounds. It was yellow and shaped like a chopper. I had some stupid bar that went way up over my head attached to my banana seat, and hand grips with rainbow tassels. Now I know what you are thinking. Your thinking “wow randy what a sissy bike” and yes I drank chocolate milk with it too. But here is the thing….I rode that bike into trees and rock walls. I jumped over ditches and thorn bushes. I threw rocks at it. I would ride it until the chain broke and then jump off as it smashed into a pile of wood with nails sticking out of them. If the frame bent I would jump on it until it was straight enough to ride again, or I would drag it home. I would leave it in the snow and then I would blow off an M80 in it. That bike kicked ass. Here is the other thing. The whole time I wore a t-shirt with shorts and no helmet. Most of the time I wouldn’t wear shoes or socks. Sure I got stitches here and there. Sure I broke a couple of fingers, and landed on my ruff and tumbles the wrong way after a real Evil Kenieval jump. I don’t think we even knew what a helmet was. My point is that we made it. Well, most of us made it it. Anthony Fercano didn’t make it, but we told him that you couldn’t jump a train and throw two sticks of dynamite. But the rest of us made it without all of that dumb junk they try and sell you today.

So people quit wearing Helmets and start crashing on your bikes again. Lets kill this ugly safety habit once and for all. Eric dove face first at a rock the first time I met him, and I like to see some of that gusto back here at the studio. Matt Jacobs has been wearing cool shit on his knees for months, and right now he has the manliest limp in this place. Ask anyone. Try crashing on the way to daily’s. Imagine the leeway you would get over your shot if your nose was hanging off by a thread. Ok? Now lets get back out there people.

your pal Randell J Krandell

Movies suck now

Tuesday, March 21st, 2000

Last night I went to a double feature horror show to see two great movies. And I learned a thing or two. I learned that your average everyday typical human being, isn’t worth shit. It pains me to no end how incredibly stupid the average person is. Listen carefully, if you pay money to see a movie, then shut up! Keep your stupid mouth from moving for two whole hours. I can do it, and you all know how much I love to talk. Last night a group of kids, had to get all rowdy. So all of a sudden stuff starts flying, the ring leader is yelling and getting kicked out, so I peek my head around and I’m all scared cause he sounds like he is a crypt or a blood, and he is nothing but a skinny wimp ass white kid. He is obviously not embarrassed that he looks like he thinks he is EMENEM. He has got his hat all twisted around, and he has on baggy pants and chains, and he keeps moving his hands like he has seen too many Rap videos. He most definitely had his rap on. He’s like word up n stuff. And I’s like you aint nothin but a skinny white kid N shit. An he’s like I’m gonna be louder than everybody n stuff. An I’m like, but you aint nothing but a skinny white kid, an he’s like I’m gonna put a beat down an stuff, and I’m like but you aint nothing but a skinny white kid, who is currently being kicked out of a movie theater and stuff. I’ll tell you people it was depressing. You know that kid goes home and say stuff like” Yes mom, I am hungry, thank you for keeping my dinner warm.” And “No father, I have not completed my homework, but I will. Kids today, I’ll tell you. I’m glad that my father would have smacked the crap out of me if he saw me act like that in public. The other thing is, once every ten years there is a movie so funny that I can’t help laughing out loud. Why do we feel the need to be heard in in the movie theater. It’s almost like a contest now. Ha Ha ha I’m laughing the loudest. I thought that was Funny ha ha ha. Hey did you see how funny that was! Ha Ha! shut the hell up. Chances are that wasn’t so funny, chances are that you’re not funny. Chances are that nobody likes you. I can’t remember the last time I went to the movies, and people were cool, and respectful. It’s getting to the point where seeing a movie is like riding the bus. You can do it if you want to, but it’s uncomfortable and some smelly man is going to talk to you.

Krandell