Archive for April, 2000

Rikky Tikky tikki

Tuesday, April 11th, 2000

When I was a kid we had a tiki. My parents observed a very rare tropical religious cult, after watching a particular Brady Bunch episode. They were kind of obsessed with it. My great grandpa who was one hundred and eleven at the time, was glazed and eaten alive with a pineapple in his mouth to appease some sort of ancient god. He was, I would say, rather tasty. My dad of coarse got the Neck, but he was head of the family. Anyway, one day, my curiosity got the best of me and I touched the Tiki. Just one gentle finger running ever so softly down it’s round little belly. I heard a real horrifying scream up from the bowls of some fantastic beast, and when I turned to look, my grandma cold clocked me right in the face. Blood shot hard from both my nostrils, as I groped for my face. Feeling warm blood pore over my hands. My little brother David who is quite a nice kid actually, jumped on my back and started stabbing me repeatedly with a huge butter knife. When I whirled around in pain to shake off the little monster, my mother sucker punched me in the groin, dropping me like fat bag of butter. I felt a couple of kicks in my face, and when I looked up, my grandma was crushing my head with the heal of her shoe. Anyway a couple of years later I came out of my coma, and found that they had strategically removed and eaten some of my body. My splean my kidney’s and all my veins and half of my heart and…well lets just say that John Wane Bobbit has nothing on me.

I guess the lesson to all of this is you can never really trust your grandmother.
I hope this helps

your pal


Salamander the movie

Monday, April 10th, 2000


Doesn’t anyone get embarrassed anymore? I’ve got an idea. lets make a list of all the over done dumb shit that is in Science fiction and horror movies. The stuff we wince in pain when they use it over and over again. And oh will it be huge. Like the big explosion at the end. Or the troubled hero. Or anything, and I mean anything in space. We have seen enough space movies in the last thirty years. Let’s come on back to earth and think of a plot people. Let’s make a big list. and send it to Hollywood. We can plead with them to not use that stuff anymore. Maybe if they see us cry it will help. I swear I will drink my own urine if it will help stop the space movies. Anyway, remember when the funny guy gets his neck bit, then as he is dying he gives the hero his Cigar, and asks him to smoke it for him. and then the hero starts to cry and bangs the wall. Remember that. Boy was that part stupid. Remember when the two grown men with shotguns get killed but the skinny boy stabs through the 14 foot lizard like it’s made of Jell-O. How can you overlook these things. I’m not picky. I’m not a stickler for details. I’ll watch the remake of King Kong. It’s not like I’m hard to please. Stop it. Please stop it. I can’t direct a movie, because I can’t think of anything longer than three seconds. But I know this.

ps But I would stick a hot poker in my ass, rip off all my fingernails , stick them in salt and watch Komodo forty times in a row while two fat men fart in my face repeatedly, before I watch Star Wars the Phantom Menus again.

pps let’s try and keep this one within Tippett folks.