Archive for May, 2000

City of my dreams

Thursday, May 18th, 2000

Dear City of Oakland.

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for the parking ticket. You would not believe how happy I was to find out that my ticket was only thirty two dollars. I think that Thirty two dollars is a very fair amount to pay, for such a heinous parking violation. God only knows the incredible dedication from city workers that Telegraph street gets at two in the morning, and to think that I parked my car plop in the middle of all of the hard work. My crime was uncaring. And your gift was a pardon of thirty two dollars. I feel proud that the City of Oakland is not a money grubbing, sleazy, low life bunch of villains who prey on peoples wallets, but a fair and just City whose only concern is clean streets. I think it is unfair that people hate meter maids. I think that these people work so hard. It’s not fair that they are among the most hated people on the planet. That job is so mundane and unrewarding that most people would kill themselves having such a horrible and meaningless career.
Sitting here at a job that I love and have always wanted, making good money, and being appreciated by people that I have never met, makes me almost understand how terrible it would be have such a awful job and to be hated so much, by everyone. I know that children all over, want to work the kind of job that I do, and only adults with nowhere else to turn would choose such a hated profession. Infact, I have never met one single person who has even the slightest respect for meter maids. God, what an awful life. But these people brave the streets keeping it clean for you and me. I know that one day The City of Oakland is gonna take my thirty two dollars and use it for the city. One day I will drive down San Pablo and I wont be able to make the boat noise as I drive over the river of pot holes. Why I see police talking to prostitutes nearly every day. And Talking to them is almost kind of, nearly, half the battle. In fact I’m not just going to pay my thirty two dollars, I’m going to pay thirty three dollars. And I would like it if you gave that extra dollar the meter maid who gave out my ticket. And thank them for setting me on a straight path, and tell them that even though their life is completely meaningless and sad, that we all benefit from their hard work.

One day, a good store like IKEA will come and Oakland will rise up out of it’s nothing burger existence and almost be worth visiting again. Mark my words.

thanks again

Randy Link

I quit

Friday, May 12th, 2000

As some of you may already know I am quitting. But I am only quitting for two days, Monday and tuesday. I’m quitting because I have a rather odd family and one of them is going to be here. I will be back on wednesday, and I want you all to know that I love you. I wish I could be you. If I was the Thing, I would take over your body and then I would look just like you. If this was the Sixties, I would try to sleep with all of you. That is how much I love you guys. To me you guys are like a … uh a… a..a bunch of cool guys that I like alot. If my absence causes any disturbance in the force, one phone call, and I would run like heck back in here to fix it. So feel free to call me. If you miss me for any reason, buy me a present and when I come back I will give you a hug. Ok people. I’m trusting you guys alone with BZ for a couple of days so be good.

I love you

r a n n y ‘s


Wednesday, May 10th, 2000

You know, you guys are ok. Pretty fine people in general if I may say so, and so I’ll tell you a little story. It’s about work, fun, commitment, and my grandmother Lena Link. I’m the first to admit that part of my family has had a checkered past. My grandfather on the German side would often have intercourse with pencils and my father was born without an anus. But we love each other regardless. My grandmother Lena was a huge brute of a woman. In her day she could take down a bull with her teeth and she was reported to give birth to bricks, I’m telling you people she was tuff. One time when I was at the tender age of twenty two and still had trouble tying my shoes, she beat me with my own brother. I mean it, she was tuff. Well, needless to say we were all very scared around Lena. If you said that you didn’t like supper she would climb onto the kitchen table and fart into your face until you finished every last bit. Tuff. One day I asked Lena “what was the most important thing in life.” And she made me lick her armpits. And I learned something that day. I learned something very important. My family is a bunch of assholes. But I learned something else. I learned about longevity. There is only one way to make it to the end of dinner while a large bottom blows awful air in your face. You need to focus. Which brings me to work. Today I had an extra special bad daily. It looked like Kevin Bacon was a little retarded boy, who slipped in cow flop. And if you ever read the quote I put at the bottom of my e-mail. ” Your only as good as your last daily” That makes me a hunk of shit today. It’s ok, today is my day for it. I guess what I’m trying to get at, is these darn things are going to happen. Boy do they suck, but there going to happen whether you like it or not. You cant help it. One thing I’ve noticed is that when the heat gets turned up, people get bunchy. I was pretty pissed at myself after daily’s, but I got over it. Sometimes I read an email or hear someone say something and it’s kind of bunchy. So here are some good rule to live by.

BR> It’s always your own damn fault.

Take it easy, enjoy work ( longevity people )

It’s not the computer. ( Craig is way to smart for that one, I know, I’ve tried!)

Quit complaining, sound like a bunch of sissy’s.

Take the heat when it is your turn.

And last but not least….

You’re only as good as your last daily.

Remember, we are not close because we like each other, we are close
because we are all a bunch of geeks who liked Sinbad.

Take it easy out there.


Re: cell phones

Thursday, May 4th, 2000

A lot of us at work (including myself) have cell phones, and I wanted to; take a moment to remind you to set the ringer to “less” when you’re here at work.

Or leave the dirty machines home altogether. If you need to talk to someone, talk to the person you sit next to, who is annoyed at listening to your dumb phone conversation. I noticed one thing in particular. When people get a call at work, they are a little quiet. “Ohhh your on the phone again”. Get on, take care of business, get off. People get on their cell phones and they lose control of their volume switch. ” LOOK AT ME PEOPLE I’M ON THE PHONE”. I know you can’t help it, they are so new and exciting. Last night at dinner I watched a very bored woman sit and play with her food while a man talked and talked and talked and talked on the phone. Can’t anyone see how stupid that behavior is. It’s Dumb. I know what your going to say, your going to say..” Well , What If my car breaks down, and…” SHUT UP!. Open your glove compartment, and call triple A. Until then realize that you are annoying everyone else. Don’t think that I don’t listen in when your on the cell phone. I try so hard to hear one conversation that is of any importance. Just one. I have never heard anyone use a cell phone for any of the reasons that they say they are getting them for. It’s always, “oh yeah, cool, Yeah, cool, talk to ya later” I’m telling you people, trust me on this one. DUMB. For Those people who are important, and actually are needed, I’m not talking to you. For the rest of us little meaningless schleps, buy a new calculator, they are small, they look new and space age too, they have lots of little buttons to push, and they are quiet.

Start a new trend, leave the dumb things home and talk to a real live person right next to you.

your pal randy