Ok, I got pulled into a screening of “Over the Hedge” last night, and someone needs to die.
Lets start at the beginning. I smoked two, count em, two hits of weed. I was so scared, I could barely get my free bag of popcorn, because I thought I was going to freak out on the candy girl, but anyway, my point is, I was about as ready as you can get for an animated feature.
Now here is the bottom line. Why hire all of those great voice talents, and those where some of the best you could get. Why hire such great voice actors, and animators and TD,s and effects artist, when you are going to choke it to death with writing almost worse then Disney? Why?
Do me a favor. Make an hour long film of your limp penis with a strand of semen slowly dripping down into an open eye. I would rather watch that. Thank you.
Here is an idea, you know all those jokes that Disney has been using for the last twenty years? You know the ones, the ones that put traditional animation into it’s grave? Don’t use those jokes. They suck.
Ok here is the plot, it has spoilers so beware. A bunch of talking animals annoy the shit out of me for what seems like ten hours, and then credits roll. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll buy the dvd, but that is just so I can pause it on the credits and take name so I’ll know who to shoot from the Bell tower.
Now, I know what it’s like to work on a shitty movie. I worked on Matrix 3, and that yawn was heard all across the planet. They had to come into the theater and wake people up after that movie. I know what it’s like to work you ass off and find out that you just worked on The Haunting. Believe me.
But this is too much. Here is the rule, ok? If you make a movie with Robots, Planets of apes, and animated characters, and I’m bored, you suck. As a matter of fact you suck dick. You suck more dick then all of the gay porn, in san Francisco, during Gay rights Parade.
Please people. Don’t kill this medium. If you’re not Pixar, take a lesson from them. Write a story, care about your story, and then re write it again and again, until you have something worth telling. Don’t just jump on the bandwagon and make a Pixar rip off, because sooner or later people are going to get sick of it. Just like the did with Open range, and Brother Bear, and everything else. And if you don’t know how, (which you don’t by the way), spend your money wisely.
Give it to me. I’ll spend it on something more worthwhile, like hookers.
Your pal randy
Note: I saw “Over the Hedge” and enjoyed it more than I expected to, especially the bit with the squirrel and the energy drink. Not something I’d tell my friends to watch, but not something I’d avoid watching if it were placed in front of me.
tuff America
Tuesday, May 16th, 2006Ok, I have a question.
Why does everyone in America think they are tuff? What’s the big deal here. I feel like everywhere I go I see people acting and looking all hard. What is the appeal? I have always been a bit of a sissy, and to tell the truth I have never been in a fight. That’s a lie, in the fourth grade I fought a guy named Skip Sniffen, and I kicked his ass, but I still feel ashamed about it, because he was a stick with arms.
I was in a diner the other night, and it was in Echo Park. It was what I call a white people’s diner because it was filled with hipsters. Hipsters, for those of you who don’t know, are people around my age that are all hip. They usually have nice bodies, and they wear cool shirts that say stuff on
em, and they wear corduroy jeans and belts and have earrings in their lips. Basically it’s the only look that white people are allowed to have because we’ve been such assholes for the last four hundred years. and back in the Eighties we blew it by dressing like Duran Duran.
Anyway. Now that Black kids took over our culture, and guys like Emenem are trying to be cool, everybody looks and walk and talks, like they are Ghetto. Even my grandmother, who is ninety five, was like “Wassup Blood” and she was all hecka hella and shit. And I said “grandma you look stupid with your pants hanging off your ass and your hat all twisted to the side, and what is hecka hella” and she was like. ‘It’s all good and shit.”
So I’m in this diner and I noticed that even the girls were tuff. they had Dyke haircuts and were dressing ugly and they were going to take no shit. then I got in my car and a guy in a gigantic Truck was all tuff as he drove by me all pissed that I was going to slow.And he was on the phone like an asshole. And it got me thinking, that America has a real self esteem problem.
We, America, that is, needs to get laid. People only act like that when they need to get laid. Not me, I look like I’m about to cry and I start to run around with my hands out yelling “Hurry” but I’m different. I wish we would drop this tuff guy thing all together. And you women need to stop fucking tuff guys. I know they are cute and they are edgy, but knock it off, you’re rewarding all the wrong people.
ps
I also think that anyone who writes for Disney shouldn’t get laid, but that’s another story.
your pal Randy
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