Archive for May, 2006

Over the Hedge

Friday, May 26th, 2006

Randy and Ebert

Ok, I got pulled into a screening of “Over the Hedge” last night, and someone needs to die.

Lets start at the beginning. I smoked two, count em, two hits of weed. I was so scared, I could barely get my free bag of popcorn, because I thought I was going to freak out on the candy girl, but anyway, my point is, I was about as ready as you can get for an animated feature.

Now here is the bottom line. Why hire all of those great voice talents, and those where some of the best you could get. Why hire such great voice actors, and animators and TD,s and effects artist, when you are going to choke it to death with writing almost worse then Disney? Why?

Do me a favor. Make an hour long film of your limp penis with a strand of semen slowly dripping down into an open eye. I would rather watch that. Thank you.

Here is an idea, you know all those jokes that Disney has been using for the last twenty years? You know the ones, the ones that put traditional animation into it’s grave? Don’t use those jokes. They suck.

Ok here is the plot, it has spoilers so beware. A bunch of talking animals annoy the shit out of me for what seems like ten hours, and then credits roll. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll buy the dvd, but that is just so I can pause it on the credits and take name so I’ll know who to shoot from the Bell tower.

Now, I know what it’s like to work on a shitty movie. I worked on Matrix 3, and that yawn was heard all across the planet. They had to come into the theater and wake people up after that movie. I know what it’s like to work you ass off and find out that you just worked on The Haunting. Believe me.

But this is too much. Here is the rule, ok? If you make a movie with Robots, Planets of apes, and animated characters, and I’m bored, you suck. As a matter of fact you suck dick. You suck more dick then all of the gay porn, in san Francisco, during Gay rights Parade.

Please people. Don’t kill this medium. If you’re not Pixar, take a lesson from them. Write a story, care about your story, and then re write it again and again, until you have something worth telling. Don’t just jump on the bandwagon and make a Pixar rip off, because sooner or later people are going to get sick of it. Just like the did with Open range, and Brother Bear, and everything else. And if you don’t know how, (which you don’t by the way), spend your money wisely.

Give it to me. I’ll spend it on something more worthwhile, like hookers.

Your pal randy

Note: I saw “Over the Hedge” and enjoyed it more than I expected to, especially the bit with the squirrel and the energy drink. Not something I’d tell my friends to watch, but not something I’d avoid watching if it were placed in front of me.

I’ll take her.

Thursday, May 25th, 2006

That is the most awesome thing I have ever seen. That’s better then the movie E.T. The extraterrestrial.

As a guy, and by this I mean a guy who looks like me. You get a lot of judgment when you are out and about trying to talk to women. And especially in LA some women act like they can’t believe you would even waste their time, by talking to them. It’s like you have about five or six seconds to put on enough of a show to entertain them. I sing and dance, but it never works.

I know that they are usually either crazier then a shithouse rat, or they are so boring , that you need to take a pillow with you, so your head wont hurt after it smashes into your dinner plate at the restaurant. I know that. But fuckit, I can dream.

In my dream all those women on that site aren’t crazy. And they don’t care that I forgot to mention their mother. And they don’t need to look into my eyes and feel a connection. The only thing that they want to talk about is when they can perform oral sex on me, because they Need it so bad. And if I have met their friend Helga who has been naughty.

I know . I know. I know what your saying.

Your saying, Go ahead and dream Randy, because women aren’t like that. And I”m sure that you feel that way, but you’re not masturbating right now, like I am.




Wow. Anyway, you guys are ok.

Your pal randy

The Poseidon Adventure

Thursday, May 25th, 2006

Look, I don’t want to get off, on a sour subject, but I figured out that I’m a hateatarian this morning and I feel bad about it. When I was a young man, I wanted to get laid all the time, and I used to go in for all of that peace and love nonsense, because that is where you can get a girl stoned just enough for a blowjob. So I was into it. I felt like we could all get along, and love each other, and look past race and greed, and all of the people like me could get together. And fuck.Well, that didn’t happen did it. It turns out that bitches don’t like out of shape guys, who cum too quick. With fat bodies and hair on their backs with acne. And all that world peace bullshit didn’t get me any kickback.Now I’m a bit older, and if I can say so, I feel like I’ve grown up a little. Especially when it comes to women. Now I don’t waste any time trying to get them to like me, I just masturbate.

But anyway. I saw the Poseidon Adventure the other night, and I realized that during the scene where the boat tips over and all of those people were dying, all of those women and children, and husbands and fathers, were flying through windows and walls on fire, I realized that was happy inside. Maybe it’s because I was thinking about all those people on my commute to work. maybe I was thinking about the writers for Curious George, maybe it’s because I watched Mtv that day, and I saw about four rap videos, I don’t know.

When I walk into a bar nowadays and I see white kids with the thin beards and their hats off to the side saying stuff like “You know what I’m saying” I pray that we go to war with Iran, and China.I pray for a draft. And I pray hard. When I watch the news and my main man Bill O’Reiley opens his mouth I wish a gigantic tidal wave would take him out right through a plate glass window, and that a building will fall on him, and that the last thing that happens is a stream of urine splashes in his face as the building lands on him.

Am I the only one?

When I drive down the street and I see huge, fucking fat people in gigantic trucks, with Kentucky fried chicken in their hands, on the phone, I want to see, one of those alligators come up out of the everglades and get a meal in, one of the best and most fulfilling meals they will ever have.

It’s not because we are fat, it’s because we are fat, stupid, and incredibly arrogant.

I quit eating meat a couple of years ago, I know, I know, I’m a fag. I don’t eat fast food, and I hate most of the vegetarians I meet, because although they are thin and beautiful, they wont blow me.

I’m a hateatarian. But I do love you people.

Your Pal Randy

tuff America

Tuesday, May 16th, 2006

Ok, I have a question.

Why does everyone in America think they are tuff? What’s the big deal here. I feel like everywhere I go I see people acting and looking all hard. What is the appeal? I have always been a bit of a sissy, and to tell the truth I have never been in a fight. That’s a lie, in the fourth grade I fought a guy named Skip Sniffen, and I kicked his ass, but I still feel ashamed about it, because he was a stick with arms.

I was in a diner the other night, and it was in Echo Park. It was what I call a white people’s diner because it was filled with hipsters. Hipsters, for those of you who don’t know, are people around my age that are all hip. They usually have nice bodies, and they wear cool shirts that say stuff on
em, and they wear corduroy jeans and belts and have earrings in their lips. Basically it’s the only look that white people are allowed to have because we’ve been such assholes for the last four hundred years. and back in the Eighties we blew it by dressing like Duran Duran.

Anyway. Now that Black kids took over our culture, and guys like Emenem are trying to be cool, everybody looks and walk and talks, like they are Ghetto. Even my grandmother, who is ninety five, was like “Wassup Blood” and she was all hecka hella and shit. And I said “grandma you look stupid with your pants hanging off your ass and your hat all twisted to the side, and what is hecka hella” and she was like. ‘It’s all good and shit.”

So I’m in this diner and I noticed that even the girls were tuff. they had Dyke haircuts and were dressing ugly and they were going to take no shit. then I got in my car and a guy in a gigantic Truck was all tuff as he drove by me all pissed that I was going to slow.And he was on the phone like an asshole. And it got me thinking, that America has a real self esteem problem.

We, America, that is, needs to get laid. People only act like that when they need to get laid. Not me, I look like I’m about to cry and I start to run around with my hands out yelling “Hurry” but I’m different. I wish we would drop this tuff guy thing all together. And you women need to stop fucking tuff guys. I know they are cute and they are edgy, but knock it off, you’re rewarding all the wrong people.


I also think that anyone who writes for Disney shouldn’t get laid, but that’s another story.

your pal Randy

burritos – north vs. south.

Monday, May 15th, 2006

I think your problem isn’t finding good mexican food. It’s that you’re not smoking enough pot. If you are as high as you should be, you wouldn’t care if you were eating taco bell. So knock it off and smoke a fucking gorilla finger, and then you would be happy to eat a graham cracker with some cheese and some peanut butter, and some potato chips crushed up and sprinkled on it.

Also, since I left the Bay area, I haven’t been able to find a strip club that that they will go down on you, but I’m still looking, and I am being positive about it. And this is LA, you would figure that the strippers here, would blow you for a quarter.

I mean really

your pal Randy

My drive.

Wednesday, May 10th, 2006

People always ask me, they say “Randy, how is it that you drive all the way across Los Angeles in rush hour traffic?” How do you do it? Well the answer is simple, I use my imagination.

For instance, this morning I kept imagining the guy in front of me, who didn’t know where his blinker was, but had to make a phone call, well I imagined his head exploding into a pulpy mess over and over again, and then when I got bored with that, I imagined his head exploding all over his wife and children, and them trying to get the bits of skull and hair out of their eyes, while they screamed.

That one took about fifteen minutes out of my drive.

Then, when I was at a stop sign, and the guy who actually slows down as he walk across the street came by, and looked at me like as if to say, ” You want to fight?”, well, I imagined him on his knees pleading for his life, over and over, and I was urinating on him, and saying ” that’s ok” Trying to get the stream in his mouth, while he cried and shit himself.

That took another five minutes out , and then I added another five minutes liked that one so much.

I would also have to add the fifteen other minutes that I imagined all of the guys who were leaned over in their pimp rides all tuff, listening to rap music, caught in their cars, engulfed in flames, trying to unlock their car doors with melting hands, while I kept locking the doors with a remote.

Some days I just imagine everyone I see running down the street on fire, with my balls on their foreheads until a plane hits them.

Id say the ride is quite pleasant

Your pal Randy

NEWSFLASH “the Wild” sucks dick

Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006

I saw Disney’s “The Wild” the other day. Actually, I didn’t see it, I saw a billboard, and let me tell you, that movie sucks dick. People always ask me why do Disney movies suck so much dick? And I only have one answer. Because Disney sucks cock. Disney sucks more cock then all of the gay porn in San Francisco.

If I was a writer for Disney, I would go home tonight, run myself a hot bubble bath and then blow my fucking head off with a shotgun, and as the blood spurted from my neck stump, I’d write that I was sorry on the bathroom tiles, making it the best thing that I have ever written.

And if you think that I’m being harsh, you may be right. But I believe that cartoons don’t need to suck. Just like the third Matrix didn’t need to suck, but it sure did. You know one night I had this chick over my house, and I picked her up from a bar. and all the way home she was telling me that she wanted to please me, and do all these crazy things to me, and when we got home she pulled her shirt off and started playing with her perfect breasts, and she asked me if I had any porno because she wanted to watch it, while she fucked the shit out of me, and when I pulled out my copy of “Ass Lickers” she saw that I had Matrix Revolutions, and then she got up, shit on my floor and then walked out.

I don’t need that

Your pal Randy