Archive for May 25th, 2006

I’ll take her.

Thursday, May 25th, 2006

That is the most awesome thing I have ever seen. That’s better then the movie E.T. The extraterrestrial.

As a guy, and by this I mean a guy who looks like me. You get a lot of judgment when you are out and about trying to talk to women. And especially in LA some women act like they can’t believe you would even waste their time, by talking to them. It’s like you have about five or six seconds to put on enough of a show to entertain them. I sing and dance, but it never works.

I know that they are usually either crazier then a shithouse rat, or they are so boring , that you need to take a pillow with you, so your head wont hurt after it smashes into your dinner plate at the restaurant. I know that. But fuckit, I can dream.

In my dream all those women on that site aren’t crazy. And they don’t care that I forgot to mention their mother. And they don’t need to look into my eyes and feel a connection. The only thing that they want to talk about is when they can perform oral sex on me, because they Need it so bad. And if I have met their friend Helga who has been naughty.

I know . I know. I know what your saying.

Your saying, Go ahead and dream Randy, because women aren’t like that. And I”m sure that you feel that way, but you’re not masturbating right now, like I am.

Oh

oop

erp!

Wow. Anyway, you guys are ok.

Your pal randy

The Poseidon Adventure

Thursday, May 25th, 2006

Look, I don’t want to get off, on a sour subject, but I figured out that I’m a hateatarian this morning and I feel bad about it. When I was a young man, I wanted to get laid all the time, and I used to go in for all of that peace and love nonsense, because that is where you can get a girl stoned just enough for a blowjob. So I was into it. I felt like we could all get along, and love each other, and look past race and greed, and all of the people like me could get together. And fuck.Well, that didn’t happen did it. It turns out that bitches don’t like out of shape guys, who cum too quick. With fat bodies and hair on their backs with acne. And all that world peace bullshit didn’t get me any kickback.Now I’m a bit older, and if I can say so, I feel like I’ve grown up a little. Especially when it comes to women. Now I don’t waste any time trying to get them to like me, I just masturbate.

But anyway. I saw the Poseidon Adventure the other night, and I realized that during the scene where the boat tips over and all of those people were dying, all of those women and children, and husbands and fathers, were flying through windows and walls on fire, I realized that was happy inside. Maybe it’s because I was thinking about all those people on my commute to work. maybe I was thinking about the writers for Curious George, maybe it’s because I watched Mtv that day, and I saw about four rap videos, I don’t know.

When I walk into a bar nowadays and I see white kids with the thin beards and their hats off to the side saying stuff like “You know what I’m saying” I pray that we go to war with Iran, and China.I pray for a draft. And I pray hard. When I watch the news and my main man Bill O’Reiley opens his mouth I wish a gigantic tidal wave would take him out right through a plate glass window, and that a building will fall on him, and that the last thing that happens is a stream of urine splashes in his face as the building lands on him.

Am I the only one?

When I drive down the street and I see huge, fucking fat people in gigantic trucks, with Kentucky fried chicken in their hands, on the phone, I want to see, one of those alligators come up out of the everglades and get a meal in, one of the best and most fulfilling meals they will ever have.

It’s not because we are fat, it’s because we are fat, stupid, and incredibly arrogant.

I quit eating meat a couple of years ago, I know, I know, I’m a fag. I don’t eat fast food, and I hate most of the vegetarians I meet, because although they are thin and beautiful, they wont blow me.

I’m a hateatarian. But I do love you people.

Your Pal Randy