Archive for June, 2006

Big News From Apple

Friday, June 23rd, 2006

One time on my system I was typing some Mac shit with some pc shit on top, and I felt like the product I was looking for was more IBM see, then I looked at the motherboard and realized that it was all linix like. and that was uncool.

Here is the bottom line.

Computer talk makes women’s vagina’s get dry.

If you want to talk about scientific facts, talk about that. Because I don’t have a vagina, and mine is dry from just reading your emails. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong on this one. Because all across the nation there are thousands of dry vaginas just because of the kind of shit that you people are talking about.

Here is how you solve it. Tonight go to a strip club. If you still live in San Francisco I suggest “The Market Street Cinema” because those girls are really disgusting, I know, I’ve had sex with many of them.

So anyway, go there tonight, it will cost you about fifty bucks, I know that is hard since most men who work in visual effects are the cheapest basterds on the planet, but anyway, go in there, and sit with a stripper. She should be wearing a bikini, and she should also be ready to take you into the back room and do stuff to you that was in the movie that you watched last night.

Ask her about the difference between Apple and Mac or PC and what she thought about the movie Cat Woman.

Then watch her stare at you as her vagina gets dry.

But I love you, and all of your computer talk makes my penis wet

your pal Randy

step over here please

Monday, June 19th, 2006

It is illegal to impersonate a police officer. I think it should also be against the law to impersonate an asshole. Especially since there are way more assholes than cops. Of coarse, most cops are assholes, and that is something I still need to figure out. But being an asshole should be against the law.

On my way home from work on Friday, it seems that everyone on the road was an asshole. I thought that the Hollywood Bowl must have had an asshole convention and wouldn’t you know it, it got let out just as I was on my way home from work. I tried to tell everyone that I was tired, but since they were assholes they didn’t seem to care.

I also think that there should be a death penalty for people who are really good looking, but they are assholes. I think that is actually worse then global warming. Because wasting a beautiful body with an asshole personality is not acceptable. I mean a mass murderer who kills people and eats them is ok, but a fine looking woman who is a bitch, deserves to die. And, by my calculations, a lot of people here in Los Angeles, need to die.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just women. Guys are among the biggest assholes in my book, almost all of the men around the world need to die. not only because I want to fuck all of the women on the planet, but because they are really big assholes.

I think for starters, all guys with mustaches should be executed, unless of coarse they are gay, then that’s ok to have a mustache. But if you are straight and you have a mustache please step over here. Unfortunately, guys who have pony tails would need to go too. Ponytails don’t necessarily make you an asshole, but you should be killed because you don’t know how stupid you look. I guess that does make you an asshole.

Also, I think if you are really fashionable, like you are up to date on the trends, and you look great, you should have to have sex with anyone who asks you. Like if you are a dude, and you have a white hat and some shades and the pencil beard, and some bling, and a bunch of gay men want to fuck you in the bathroom, I think by law you should have to do it. Because why on earth would you walk around dressed like that if your not going to be somebody’s fuck doll?

Also, if you are a really hot teacher I think by law you shouldn’t be allowed to have sex with your students, but you should have to have sex with me.

I think with just a few new asshole rules we can turn the beat around and make this a really great place to live, especially for me. And I love that.


Prostitutes are the best women on earth. Fact.

I love you people, and for some of you, not only do I love your minds, but I also love your bodies.

your pal Randy

sex in the classroom

Thursday, June 15th, 2006

Ok, am I crazy or did America take a right hand turn, and become a place that sucks so bad I want to move to Mexico city and beg for food? What the fuck is going on around here?

Let’s take a little recap

Number one, We invade Iraq. Cool. Fuck those people we need that oil. Then the Supreme court goes conservative, and basically becomes as questionable as the meat on that taco supreme that you just ate and is making you have to poop. Fixed elections, and nothing but shame for a president who gets a blowjob.

Then we start building a wall to keep out Mexico, but we don’t do it like the Chinese, we do it like good old Americans and make our wall out of some two by fours, and some chicken wire, so it will last about as long as the car you just bought. And I guess it’s ok, for the police to bust in your door if they think you are not up to snuff.

The media have all turned into a toy commercial for everyone who wants to fuck you out of having an opinion. And thinks that maybe you should check with your doctor before buying their drugs. Rap music takes hold and people are now concerned about their Lexus car. Alaska can go fuck it’s self because if we’re not going to drill there, we will most certainly poison all of it’s wildlife with some mercury, but don’t worry because according to comic books, you might get some special powers. Like “dying guy” or whatever.

Florida is about to go underwater, and apparently if you give starving, poor, people credit cards because a hurricane took made it so that grandpa floated down the river, they will just take a vacation.

Bill Orielley is still alive. nobody has killed him, and some asshole named Ann coulter just wrote a book stating that if you are liberal, god is going to fucking kill you.

And now sexy teachers are going to jail, for doing something that I personally masturbated about fifteen million times since high school.

I hope it gets so bad that people loose their rights all together. I hope women have to ask permission to go outside and that they have to wear blankets because we might get turned on by their bodies. I also hope that you have to get permission to have sex.

We fucking deserve it.

ps, another reason I hate the gigantic truck you just bought and are so proud of, is that every time I am at a stoplight and I want to check out a little tail, you drive up next to me and block everything. All I can see is a huge red door that says Tundra on it. You are a fucking asshole, and I hope they get you first.

Your pal Randy

myEarthLink News Article – Hillary Lashes Out at Ann Coulter

Friday, June 9th, 2006

The only thing more discouraging, then Ann coulter and Hillary Clinton, is that you people actually believe in any of that shit. I think you have a better chance of salvation thinking that the guy from the movie cocoon is going to come down to earth and make you young again and interested in banging your ugly wife.

Here is some reality for you. You think America is a democracy, and you think that you are liberal, and what is worse, you think your vote actually matters. And you wonder if what we are doing in Iraq is a good idea, and maybe you should support the troops.

But of coarse that is all in your mind.

The fact is that the whole Middle East hates you, and so does Italy, and France and fucking Botswana and Ireland. But it goes even deeper. because the people in Africa hate you, because you are a pig in shorts. and all of the animals everywhere hate you because your tv is sitting where their home was, and Cows and pigs and chickens and fish think you’re a fucking asshole. Turkeys want to kick the shit out of you a couple times a year.

But the best part is, that your own country hates you. And music and tv and movies, are all designed to make you think that you are intellectual because you watched the news and they told you what some asshole named Ann Coulter said. Meanwhile today, you just gave almost half of you check to a bunch of people who not only hate you, but laugh their balls off , as you spend the rest of your check, filling up that gigantic truck you thought you would buy after watching about a thousand tv commercials explaining what an asshole you are.

Guess what? everyone in high school hated you. And if someone put a gun to you head and said “You have thirteen weeks to get laid or I’ll shoot ” you would be fucking dead.

So maybe you have to worry a little bit more then if Asshole number one, or fuckwad number two is going to win “best dressed” in the fake Dog and Pony show. Instead maybe you should but the new Fity Cents cd and find out how much money he has, and how many bitches he just had sex with, and then maybe check in with Paris to see how much she just spent on shoes.

Do me a favor. Pretend that the news is a daily report card.

We just got an F.


Your pal Randy


Rap Music sucks dick

and that is supported by science folks. Sure I love the crazy beats and all of of the coolness. Those funny hand gestures and tons of women getting paid to act like whores, I love it.

but it need to go where Phil Collins went.

Meter Maids

Sunday, June 4th, 2006

Today I stepped in to get a cup of coffee and the guy behind the counter was an ass. I needed to use my card, and it needed to be over a certain amount so he suggested that I buy the woman next to me breakfast.

Now I don’t mind buying people breakfast, but I aint going to help you get laid, but in all the confusion I said ok, and bought some lady breakfast and I’m sure she is enjoying it.

I step outside, and wouldn’t you know it. There is a meter maid giving me a ticked. He had a mustache so you know he was fucking stupid. Here is our conversation, I think it would make a good play.


“Don’t you just love America?”

Meter Maid



“It’s the only place in the world where you can get a nice cup of coffee, and then get dicked for some money.”

Meter Maid

“How long were you in there?”


“Two minutes”

Meter maid

” Well, you should have put money in ”


“Yeah, I didn’t have any, but I don’t mind paying this. I make a lot of money.”

Meter Maid



“But, you can answer me a question. How does it feel to have taken a job where you fuck people over for money? Does it make you sad? Is that why you have a mustache?”

Meter maid

turns and walks away in a huff, looks back disappointed.

Randy yelling

” Enjoy the life you have chosen, it’s a sad one!”

Meter maid gets in car and leaves

The end

I know, I know, a beautiful story. I’ll pay thirty bucks to tell a meter maid they suck any day.

Your pal randy

I have to apologies, because I didn’t mean to be such a wimp. And although, I am a sissy boy for using a card, you can bet that one of us threw down two bengy’s as you call them to have three, countem, three bitches give me a lap dance at once, this very week. There is no joke there.Also, you need to knock it off with that Rap music stuff because you are starting to sound like Fity Cent, who is an asshole. I agree, that it is cool to have hundreds of dollars on you, but I think if you are going to walk around with that kind of cash there is only two things that you should spend it on

Bitches and coke.

Not Coffee.

Thanks for the heads up, and I promise to not make you shake your head, if you spend some money on naked women and score some coke

Your pal Randy

Here’s the problem I have with your story: you got fucked by paying with a card. Don’t do that anymore. A real man doesn’t need a card. When I see a grown man buying a $1.25 candybar with a debit card, I shake my head in shame. That man is owned. Real men carry cash, and lots of it.

Thanks Chris

I have to apologies, because I didn’t mean to be such a wimp. And although, I am a sissy boy for using a card, you can bet that one of us threw down two bengy’s as you call them to have three, countem, three bitches give me a lap dance at once, this very week. There is no joke there.

Also, you need to knock it off with that Rap music stuff because you are starting to sound like Fity Cent, who is an asshole. I agree, that it is cool to have hundreds of dollars on you, but I think if you are going to walk around with that kind of cash there is only two things that you should spend it on

Bitches and coke.

Not Coffee.

Thanks for the heads up, and I promise to not make you shake your head, if you spend some money on naked women and score some coke

Your pal Randy

fuck them

Thursday, June 1st, 2006

I think America needs to pick a fight with both Iran, and Mexico, shit I would throw Canada in there too because those assholes are all over the place and they don’t do shit, except take away all of the special effects jobs in california just like the Mexicans.

If it were up to me, I would have a war on drugs, a war in Iraq, A war with Iran, and a war with the Mexicans and also the Canadians and what the hell I would also have a war on women, and their stupid rights to have a baby or not. I would also combine wars like they combine stars who date, like Bennifer. I would call it operation Iraqieran, and bomb all of those fucks. Why I would even bet those two countries are close enough that when we show em really how to use a nuke, we can just use one big bomb.

Also, who the fuck do women think they are with all of this abortion talk, guess what? fuck you bitch. I had a talk with Jesus and he says fuck you too. maybe if you girls could go back to not having an orgasm, our sperm won’t find you egg. How about that? Use your heads for once.

Also, Fuck all of you gay people. God dammit do you people make me angry. Always being gay and shit. Why don’t you try and be like me…not gay. I used to like to watch E entertainment now, it should be called caddy comments from gay men. get over it, your not really gay you’re faking.

I’ve got another gripe. My fucking truck isn’t big enough. I need a rope ladder to get in it, but I still feel like it isn’t enough. It’s also not fast enough. I wish our boys over there in Iraq would hurry up, because it cost me two hundred dollars to fill it up. It’s black, but I hate black

That reminds me. Can you black people keep it to just sports?

Also, Can Asian guys go back to loving Americans? I don’t know where I heard it, but I think I remember hearing that Asian people loved Americans. Now you guys walk around and act all black. Quit saying, ” You know what I’m saying?” Your not black, and besides, they just promised to go back to just excelling in sports. Leave music to white people, we know what we are doing. You can’t top REO Speedwagon, so forget it.

America, just needs to get back on track. I’m sorry to say that all of you people of color and gay people and women have fucked it all up. I think if we just close our doors and nuke the shit out of everyone else, we will be ok. And if we could all just listen to a little speedwagon.

oh and Global warming is for faggots, thats a scientific fact

your pal Randy