Archive for August, 2006

A list that should make you mad

Thursday, August 24th, 2006

I’ve never voted. Not once in my life. And I’m pushing forty. Am I part of the problem? You fucking bet I am. It would be great if I would go out there and cast a vote, but I wont. And that is because I couldn’t give a shit. I am lazy, and stoned just about every waking hour of the day.

The thing is, that most everyone I know is just like me. Those of you who feel you are different, I want to remind you, that casting your political views on a chat line, surrounded by artists and cg geeks, is about as political as smoking a joint and listening to rock music.

Sure Bush is an asshole, and a liar, and maybe even a cocksucker. But who is he fucking over? People. And who gives a shit about other people? the answer is…nobody does. Not one of us has done anything to help anyone. We make movies about spaceships and asshole robots. Then we eat dinner and masturbate.

That is about it.

Bush is doing what he is doing, because we let him, and in a way, we love it. He is like a dog at the food bowl eating as much as he can. And what does it really matter? really? in the end. A whole bunch of innocent people die, and a bunch of dumb American kids die too. So what. What are any of us going to do about it? send some emails?

And before you feel too bad about the fact that you are as lazy as me, think about this.

Spaceships are kind of cool, and masturbating to pictures of people who wouldn’t ever talk to you, is awesome. If you are going to be pretend, I say, pretend that the women in the Victoria Secret catalogue actually want you. This way you are only really lying to yourself.

Your pal Randy

Snakes on a Plane

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

I’m sorry to say, that it comes down to this.

Nobody fucking cares. And why should they? I’m surprised it made eight dollars. Snakes are cool, planes are cool, that kids, is about that. Sorry.

Now I’m sure the effects are great and there are some snake animation that is all slithery and wow. But, really, who fucking cares. And the answer is…Nobody.

Many of us worked on Matrix 3, and during the production I kept hearing. “But Randy, you don’t understand, It’s the Matrix 3” . or “It’s the Matrix!” And when it came out, the world just about broke it’s jaw yawning.

Here is the facts. ninety percent of Science fiction and horror movies suck. That means that nine out of ten movies that we work on are going to suck ass. Here is my list.

Starship Troopers
Komodo
My favorite Martian
the haunting
cats and dogs
Blade 2
Virus
Evolution
cursed
Matrix 3
King Kong

Now the cock suckery in that list is biblical. Starship Troopers and King Kong I am proud of. And Starship Troopers, is questionable as far as being a good movie.

I’ve got a shot in Peter Pan and Monster House and I couldn’t masturbate for a month after working on Peter pan, so I’ll keep those off of my list.

It’s getting to the point that if you want to see a good movie you have to rent a porn film, because those movies won’t let you down. I’m sorry to say that Cursed isn’t worth the time, even if you masturbate through the whole film, believe me, I’ve tried.

So don’t be so down about it. Working in CG means that from now until you get old, you will most likely work on shitty film after shitty film. And I will be right there next to you. jerking off I mean.

I love you people

your pal Randy

I did NOT fuck Bill O’Reilley

Monday, August 7th, 2006

Here is what happened.

I was at a Hollywood party over the weekend, and there were a lot of tv people there. Some of the folks from American Idol, and Lost, and Grey’s Anatomy, and stuff like that. Well, I was talking To Simon, and telling him that when he acts like an asshole on tv, a little bit of diarrhea drips out into my underwear, and he was saying “Thanks” and that he shits himself all the time. It was then , that I noticed Bill O’Reilly staring at me from across the room, sipping a cocktail.

So I walked over to him, and told him my name, and that I really liked the way he fucked average Americans nightly on his show. And that I thought is was cool that he will do anything for money like a whore. And that any bitch, who would sell out the American people, like he did, should be punished.

He grabbed my hand and put it on his slacks and I felt a huge erection.

Now I’m not gay, but I figured that I was going to fuck the shit out of him that night no matter what. So I told him I needed a pounding, and he made a weird sound like..”Uhhhgggnn” then said ” Let’s go”

We went back to his room and he yelled at me to “take my fucking pants off.” And I’ve never got undressed so fast, I’ll tell you. Well, he made me get on all fours and he came out from the closet in a pig mask and ran over to me. Shouting something about him being “king of all media” , and then he pulled his penis out of his pants, but as soon as he got it out of his underwear, he ejaculated immediately, and then started to cry.

You can only guess how embarrassed I was. I asked him if he would finish me off, and he screamed at me to leave to room as he cried in a corner in his little pig mask. When I left the room, he had his ass in the air and he was farting and dry humping the rug in his tighty whitey undies as he scooted around the room on his belly.

So I don’t care what you hear from the gossip bunch,

I did not fuck Bill O’Reilly

Your pal Randy

The World Today

Friday, August 4th, 2006

I love what is going on in the world today.

I love it.

I was watching the news this morning, and I was thinking about the people who are fighting, and this goes for Americans as well, and I got this great feeling that we are really killing the shit out of each other. And do you know who is killing the shit out of each other? Assholes and dummy’s. God bless them.

Now me and my friends, we don’t get into that shit. we get wasted and try to get laid, and when we can’t do that, we go home and “pull it” and then get a sandwich, maybe. That is an awesome way to live.

Anyone who thinks that their religion is worth getting shot over, please stand in this line, as a matter of fact, anyone who wants to pull a gun on someone, please sign up over here, and get your hiney into some battle.

The great part about all of it, is that I don’t have to be involved at all, I can just go home and pull it. I wish that the innocent people, who like me, just want to pull it, didn’t get killed by those asshole who want to fight, but I say get the hell out of there!

I’ve got no religion, I think people should be able to have sex with whatever they want, except maybe kids, that’s a little much, but if you want to fuck a donkey, And the Donkey is ok with it. I say go to it. I think people should get wasted all the time, and be able to say to their boss, “I’m sorry but I’m too high right now.” and I think that we should have masturbation stations all over the place.

Lets face it, if you are going to have billboards everywhere with seventeen year old girls on their hands and knees and you aren’t going to let a guy like me bang that, I think you should allow a fucking masturbation booth. Be fair.

And I think that all of these people who are volunteering to make more room on the planet by dying for their beliefs are awesome. And I support it.

Your pal Randy

Atticus Finch

Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006

For those of you who read the book “To kill a mockingbird” you’ll know that Atticus Finch is a father who is a lawyer, and is a great guy. He is a man with principles, and a very strong will, but also a man who is kind, and understanding of everything. Really a great man, and a great father.

I was thinking the other day about people and the things that we do, and I am very curious about something.

As we all know, people today are nothing more then the sum total of all of the things we copy and imitate. We watch tv and movies and we imitate what we like. For instance, some people dress like the band Danzig. Goofy? Yes.

Lots of people dress and act like rap stars, who copy gangsters, this way, you have forty year old white guys acting gangsta. Stupid? Yes, as a matter of fact, disgusting.

Some women copy Paris, and some women copy Martha, blah, blah, blah, you get the idea.

I copy angry old man, and janitor, somewhere in there.

But here is my question, why is it, that we, as a group of people always decide to imitate the very bottom of the stupid barrel?

Instead if imitating a man like Atticus Finch, we imitate, ” the Rock”. Why do we do that? Is it because , that back when we lived in caves, Atticus Finch caveman, couldn’t do shit, and the Rock caveman, brought home some dead deer and shit? That down in our core we really only trust might and strength?

Also, If you are a white man, and you are getting a fat belly, why would you shave you head and have a goatee, and drive a big truck? That is almost as stupid as me wearing a dildo hat and smearing my own feces all over myself and running around naked yelling ” I’m a shit dick” I’m a shit dick”.

your pal randy