Archive for November 23rd, 2006

I Love Thanksgiving

Thursday, November 23rd, 2006

A many of you people know, Thanksgiving is one of the holidays that I love best. My Family, on my moms side took part in the slaughter of all those poor injuns, back in the day, I think the motherfucker was Welsh, but needless to say, we have been celebrating ever since.

My grandmother Alma was the best at cooking the turkey. Lena, who was German couldn’t cook a turkey to save her life, and to tell you the truth, I don’t think that Germans have ever been good at anything other then being assholes, and blonde, I guess. But my dad’s side of the family is German, so
we love them anyway.

Well, one Thanksgiving, back when I was in junior high school, my whole family got together and we were going to have quite the celebration. This time instead of having a frozen turkey we went to one of those farms where you get to pick it out, and kill it yourself. Well Lena shouted something like. “Das Puken akt Mine Spietel!” and we all looked at her like she was mad, and it turned out that she wanted to be the one who took the turkey down. Knowing that Alma was going to get all of the praise over her delicious gravy.

We pointed out the bird we wanted, and my god was it a big one. It’s majestic plumage suggested quite a feast, and we handed Grandma Lena the twenty two, rifle, but before we could say anything, Lena had slipped over the fence with a butcher knife between her teeth.

“No!” my dad whispered, but it was too late, Lena had already begun the hunt. She crouched down, among the other birds and did her best to blend in. Every now and then you would see her head pop up with her huge glasses on, and she would “Gobble,gobble” then duck back down, and make her way to the large bird.

The gigantic Turkey having no idea what was about to descend upon it, pecked away at the ground without a care in the world, as Lena crawled closer. Lena popped her head up and said “Gobble.. and then we saw her head explode. A fountain of blood started spewing out of the hole in her head, and she said “Aktune Gobble mine shtappo” as she fell to the ground.

We turned around and saw that Alma was holding the rifle. Well, that was about enough of that. My dad, elbowed her in the neck, and me and my brothers started to punch the old bag in the face and groin Until she fell into a heap of old skid and urine.

That Thanksgiving Alma had to make the turkey herself and all of the fixing, for what she did to Lena. She had three broken ribs and she lost an eye and some fingers, but we didn’t care. The old bitch had to pay.

I love Thanksgiving and I miss my family.

Have a great one

your pal Randy