Your Pal Randy

I’m surprised you don’t remember my dads vagina Lafferty, He was also the singer in your band.

Thanks for the picture Doug. I still don’t remember that Wallin dude. No doubt a great guy. Funny and sharp. I’be been trying to think of something to say all weekend, but he got me. I’m like a bowel movement, or I’m a bowel movement. You can’t beat that.

Except for a story….

When I was sixteen my next door neighbor was also sixteen, and those of you who know anything about anything, knows that means “Make Out”. She was awesome, about as ugly as me, we made out on the road and in the woods by our houses, it was awesome. She would also have friends over and I’d get to make out with them. Now before you go thinking that I had it made, you have to remember that I was still in the “rub on them and cum in your corduroys stage. My little pistol was ready to fire by the time I got it out of the holster. But I was pretty good at making out, and titty grabbing.

Well one day it happened. My neighbor and her friend had been drinking, and they called me over on the phone. My mother could hear that that it was a rowdy scene over there, and I ate dinner as fast as I could and ran down into my older brothers Gary’s room and grabbed a condom. Not that I ever used one, but I knew where the secret stash was. I fucking ran over to her house and was led by my hand into a room. Where a very drunk girl took off her clothes and laid down waiting for pleasure.

I gently put my hand between her legs and found a mound of hair. Then I took out the condom opened it and unrolled it first, then tried to slip it on my penis. It wouldn’t. I could just barely get it over my cap, and it hung there like a ski hat or a sock hanging off your foot. I started to sweat a little so I began to rub the mound of hair, come to think of it, I think I was rubbing around her belly button.

It was then that my mom called on the phone, and told me to come home.

In hindsight, it’s a good thing that I didn’t “get any” that day. Because, although now, in my mind, I play the scene very different, back then I think if My penis even came close to that hairy mound It would have been over before it started. And in a way that would have been more embarrassing.

Your pal Randy

All together I have seven nephews and nieces. And I love them. Here is one thing I noticed about people when they are really little. They love to take shit out of the toy box and throw it all over the place. I have to say that I think they all did it, at some point. Generally around two years old.

One thing I don’t get, is why my brothers buy them so many toys when they are that young, because it seems like all they really like to do with the toys, is take them out of the toy box, and throw the shit everywhere.

I think I would buy my kid only one toy for that reason. I’d let the kid play with a shoe or something, because at that age, there is no difference from a sock, or a wooden ducky, and I don’t care what you say. Many kids have died playing with a plastic bag for gods sake, so that shows you how much a kid can like a fucking plastic bag.

But this presents a bigger issue. If the game is to take shit out of a box and throw it around, why isn’t it just as fun to pick it up and throw it back in the box? It isn’t fun. Why? I mean it’s almost the same game if you think about it.

For some reason, cleaning up sucks, and we know it when we are two years old.

Don’t get the wrong idea folks. I wash, and I do dishes and clean up. But I do hate it. Unless I’m stoned, then I love it, but you know what I mean.

I really wonder why. Is it because the orgasm of joy that you feel when you throw toys around is over? If the game started with Toys being all over the place, and kids got to run into a room and throw them in a toy box, would they hate it from the start?

also, if you are reading this and you look down at your desk and there is a plastic Darth Vader, you need to wise the fuck up.

I’m serious about that.

Your pal Randy