Archive for February, 2007

Eye patch

Wednesday, February 28th, 2007

These pictures remind me, that as a group of people, we are fucking ugly. Not just that group, in the pictures, but all of us. The special effects crowd. Chubby dudes in horrible shirts with goatees. Sure we’re beautiful inside, but who the fuck cares about that. I’ll tell you.


wait that’s wrong. your momma cares.

If where I worked, they suggested that I wear an eye patch so that I could take a picture by an Oscar, I think I would burn the place down, or kill myself. I’d shoot myself through the eye patch.

Now let me say right here and now, that the work in Pirates was awesome. I don’t doubt that these people really kicked ass on it,

I’m just commenting on how ugly we all are.

ESC had some hot people working there, but most of them got fired. I got “quit fired.” It depends on who you ask I guess. Also I’m not saying I was one of the hot ones. I’m quite ugly. I only get laid because I pay for it.

Your pal randy

Global worming update

Tuesday, February 27th, 2007

You know what makes me upset. Nobody fights for the right to party anymore? What happened to that? Did you all just give up? Or are you partying right now? Holy fuck. Is that awesome.

Here is the deal. Lets get this out on the table. We’re fucked.

The Dinosaurs about seventy million years ago, looked at each other and said, ” Oh fuck!” and that was it. They are gone.

My question is, what does it matter? Scientist on the payroll, and Global warming is fake or not. Or the fact that not only does Fox news suck, but they all do?

What does any of this matter.  These emails that you guys send are a bunch of facts, sure, but what is it that you are looking for? What is the end result of this conversation? Who knows more facts?

I say it over and over again, What has anyone writing or reading this thread, done to help anybody today? If I had to guess, Id say, like me, you did nothing. Bravo.

Now, before you go feeling bad about yourself, I want you to think about this. People don’t deserve it anyway. The general population of people on this planet don’t deserve shit. Bunch of assholes if you ask me.

I wish that everybody on my commute this morning got global warming in their fucking faces. And everybody on the news, and everybody telling the news. And everybody fighting in a war right now, and those old assholes who came up with the war.

I wish that every racist asshole and every homophobic faggot and everyone who believes in religion, would get a huge dose of global warming right up their fucking ass.

I also hope that if it does all go down in a ball of flames,and the world is over,that you bitches might give up a little sex on our last day on this planet, because I’m fucking sick of paying for it.

Your pal Randy


Monday, February 26th, 2007

I’m surprised you don’t remember my dads vagina Lafferty, He was also the singer in your band.

Thanks for the picture Doug. I still don’t remember that Wallin dude. No doubt a great guy. Funny and sharp. I’be been trying to think of something to say all weekend, but he got me. I’m like a bowel movement, or I’m a bowel movement. You can’t beat that.

Except for a story….

When I was sixteen my next door neighbor was also sixteen, and those of you who know anything about anything, knows that means “Make Out”. She was awesome, about as ugly as me, we made out on the road and in the woods by our houses, it was awesome. She would also have friends over and I’d get to make out with them. Now before you go thinking that I had it made, you have to remember that I was still in the “rub on them and cum in your corduroys stage. My little pistol was ready to fire by the time I got it out of the holster. But I was pretty good at making out, and titty grabbing.

Well one day it happened. My neighbor and her friend had been drinking, and they called me over on the phone. My mother could hear that that it was a rowdy scene over there, and I ate dinner as fast as I could and ran down into my older brothers Gary’s room and grabbed a condom. Not that I ever used one, but I knew where the secret stash was. I fucking ran over to her house and was led by my hand into a room. Where a very drunk girl took off her clothes and laid down waiting for pleasure.

I gently put my hand between her legs and found a mound of hair. Then I took out the condom opened it and unrolled it first, then tried to slip it on my penis. It wouldn’t. I could just barely get it over my cap, and it hung there like a ski hat or a sock hanging off your foot. I started to sweat a little so I began to rub the mound of hair, come to think of it, I think I was rubbing around her belly button.

It was then that my mom called on the phone, and told me to come home.

In hindsight, it’s a good thing that I didn’t “get any” that day. Because, although now, in my mind, I play the scene very different, back then I think if My penis even came close to that hairy mound It would have been over before it started. And in a way that would have been more embarrassing.

Your pal Randy


Friday, February 23rd, 2007

All together I have seven nephews and nieces. And I love them. Here is one thing I noticed about people when they are really little. They love to take shit out of the toy box and throw it all over the place. I have to say that I think they all did it, at some point. Generally around two years old.

One thing I don’t get, is why my brothers buy them so many toys when they are that young, because it seems like all they really like to do with the toys, is take them out of the toy box, and throw the shit everywhere.

I think I would buy my kid only one toy for that reason. I’d let the kid play with a shoe or something, because at that age, there is no difference from a sock, or a wooden ducky, and I don’t care what you say. Many kids have died playing with a plastic bag for gods sake, so that shows you how much a kid can like a fucking plastic bag.

But this presents a bigger issue. If the game is to take shit out of a box and throw it around, why isn’t it just as fun to pick it up and throw it back in the box? It isn’t fun. Why? I mean it’s almost the same game if you think about it.

For some reason, cleaning up sucks, and we know it when we are two years old.

Don’t get the wrong idea folks. I wash, and I do dishes and clean up. But I do hate it. Unless I’m stoned, then I love it, but you know what I mean.

I really wonder why. Is it because the orgasm of joy that you feel when you throw toys around is over? If the game started with Toys being all over the place, and kids got to run into a room and throw them in a toy box, would they hate it from the start?

also, if you are reading this and you look down at your desk and there is a plastic Darth Vader, you need to wise the fuck up.

I’m serious about that.

Your pal Randy


Friday, February 23rd, 2007

I was talking with some people the other day and the subject of Menopause came up. First off, here is something I noticed. When you talk about Menopause everybody looks down at their feet, and they say stuff like. “Well, that is a very special and beautiful time for a woman, and it’s natural, and can be really hard on a woman.”

And when you mention a man have having a mid life crisis, this is what happens. ” Women scrunch their faces up like they had a hot chili, while men look at the ground and women say stuff like this. “That sick basterd bought a corvette and started fucking a twenty year old! Men!

I think this is unfair, and if I may say so, A little cruel. Here are a couple of points that I think we’re forgetting.

Number one. It is completely natural for a man to want to fuck everything he sees, until he is seventy five. This includes rocks and sticks and shit. If you don’t know this, you should.

If you have a man, and he has been faithful to you, this means that despite his true nature he has resisted fucking tons of women, only for you, and has resorted to masturbating heavily.

Also, he has to hide his masturbating from you because you wouldn’t understand. You would say stuff like this……”Again?”

I think it is a little sick, that the true male, has been neutered, to the point of caring that Anna Nichole Smith had boobs. Considering that when we were Vikings, we would row ashore and fuck up all kinds of stuff. Kill babies and rape everything before we burned it to the ground.

I’m not saying we should act like that, I’m just saying that we’ve come along way baby.

And you’re still not happy.

It makes me sad that women are so judgmental about sexuality, especially because every women reading this could get laid by the time I reached down and touched my penis. Even if you are ugly.

But you want more out of life.

If you want to know how disgusting your man is, here is something you can do.

The next time you’re alone, pop in a porno, and start to get your romance on. Tell him that your best girlfriends and you have been talking and you girls want to have a foursome with him.

then wait for him to say no.

It will never happen.

Women, go get your man laid, and men, stop acting like a bunch of assholes. And be happy for once in your life

I love you people

Your pal Randy

ps do they call it menapause because when it happens you put men on hold? I don’t get it.