Archive for September, 2007

I am tougher then all of you

Friday, September 21st, 2007

That’s a lie

I am, and always was, a big Sissy. We used to call it faggot, but that’s not appropriate anymore I guess.

The last fight I was in, was in the fourth grade, and it was with a guy named Skip Sniffen. I’m not lying about that. Anyway, I’ve always been afraid of being punched or hit, and as mad as I ever get, the most I ever want to do is maybe berate someone. When I was about twelve I shot a bird with a bb gun and upon hearing it flounder around in the woods I began to cry and haven’t hurt anything since.

This brings me to America. What the fuck is up with us? I swear to god, everyone in this country thinks they are tough, or hard. Now, I know not everyone, but I’ll put it in the same scale as people who are overweight in this country, “almost everyone”. We have turned into a bunch of fat assholes who think they are hard.

I don’t get it. What is the appeal? Really, what is it that makes us act like this? I was walking home this morning and I passed a couple of dudes older then me, that’s older then forty mind you, and they looked like they were just out of jail. So I figured that I’d give them the old “hello” as I passed by, and they looked like they had no idea what to do.

Now, to all of you women out there, I know that most of you don’t have the “tough gene”. But you do have the “drama gene”. You don’t start the fight, but you get to cry and act like a ripe tosser when the cops come and you sit on the curb and scream as your dumb boyfriend gets arrested.

I wish America would knock it the fuck off. It’s stupid. We hate everyone who isn’t American, and we actually hate everyone who is as well. There is northing to gain from being tough. I’m talking mathematically. Maybe you can act all tough and then go home and have sex with a women who likes to cry a lot, but I’m thinking that is a bit stupid too.

It’s ok when you’re fifteen if you think you’re tough, but you’re going through puberty. I can look the other way. But when you are a middle aged man, and you’re acting like you’re still going through puberty, I feel like that is a little sad.

And just to put it in perspective, if you think you’re tough, I’ll tell you who is. Jeffery Dahmer. That boy had a guys head in a lunchbox. And I think he ate the rest if it. He was actually hard.The rest of us are like people who are still wearing our halloween outfits acting like we just got our first erection.

I think it’s time for us to embrace this whole sissy thing, and maybe try and make it pleasant to walk down the street again.

Your pal Randy

10,000 b.c review!

Monday, September 17th, 2007

Wasn’t Roland the tool who made Japan hate Godzilla?

We definitely work in a field where you get rewarded if you can get it done. I guess because it is so hard to just get it done. That goes from lackey’s like me to supervisors to directors. I’ve worked on many a film where the supervisor has about as much talent as my dog, yet they were in the right place at the right time and got the name. God bless em! And even though they
make life hard on everyone and fuck shit up all the way to the final cut, They get re hired because they’ve been through it before.

When a guy like Roland Emerich or however you spell his name makes a movie like Godzilla, the first thing I think is, thank god, he’s fucking done with, but the truth is that he got it done. And that is what the money people are the most concerned with, god bless their little wallets.

When we started working on Starship Troopers Phil Tippett got everyone together and told us to enjoy it, because a good movie comes around once every seven movies. I think he was wrong, it’s more like fifteen.

But even with that. I think we work in the best field, besides porn I mean, and if you cut my shots out of the dozen shitty movies I’ve worked on, you get about three minutes of good stuff to watch before people get bored. And it’s great hooker money.

And that aint all that bad.

I love you people

Your Pal Randy

Re: Poor Britney

Tuesday, September 11th, 2007

MTV has sucked since I was a kid. And for those of you who know me, know that was a long time ago. I’ve written many emails about by hatred of “Rap” or “hip hop” music, and I feel like it’s time for another one.

First off, let me explain something. I don’t hate all rap music. I hate almost all of it. See the difference? So don’t go writing me emails about how some bands are good. I know that. But there are a couple of country songs that slip past my hate margin, and I can say with all confidence that I hate country music. And I’m sure that most of you, aren’t going to give me a hard time about it. And that’s because like rap music, country music sucks.

let me explain.

Play a fucking instrument. Play some fucking music. Any, let me repeat that, ANY, asshole can walk around a stage lip syncing with a bunch of dancers behind them. And if you don’t think it’s true, then ask yourself how Justin or Britney are getting it done. What is it that Fergie talks about? her ass and her tits. I’m sorry but that doesn’t qualify as music to me.

Now I think that these people are talented and they should be in entertainment, but I think they should be in porn. As a matter of fact I think they should be in a new type of porn called “rape porn”. I’d watch Justin Timberlake if he was getting raped by ten or fifteen people, especially if he was getting punched in the face while getting raped.

Also, thanks to rap and hip hop, almost every asshole in America thinks that
they are “Gangsta”. This makes me hate it the most. Here is a good example. The other night I got into a road rage fight with this dude, who tried to cut in front of me, and I wouldn’t let him. First off, he was driving a PT Cruiser, and I’m not going to get racist here, but he was from LA before white people took it over and started making shitty movies, if you know what I mean.

Well, this dude drove up beside me and started calling me redneck and faggot and and Holmes and he was doing this thing with his hand that was straight out of just about every rap video I’ve ever seen. Then he told me to go back to the country that I came from, and when I asked him what country that was? He said Europe. Now, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Europe wasn’t a country.

Then he told me to get out of LA and that I could get shot for doing what I did, remember my crime was not letting Mr. tuff guy cut in front of me. So I told him that you can’t get shot from a guy driving a PT Cruiser, and he got really mad, and took off fast down the road. Poor little guy.

Now I know that Rap music doesn’t make people go out and kill other people, oh, let me take that back. I know that Most of the time, rap music doesn’t make people kill each other, but in this guys case, his whole shtick, his whole act, was supported by the music he listen to, and he had convinced himself that he was as tuff as his favorite artist.

My point is that most people who listen to Classical music don’t drive up to your car and threaten to shoot you. Doesn’t mean they aren’t assholes, but you get my point.

In closing i want to say that, I wish people would knock of being so arrogant, especially if you don’t know how to play an instrument, and I really wish that America would get of this stupid tuff guy thing that we are on.

the truth is, that we are really nothing but a bunch of fat people, who think they matter.

Your pal Randy

helping people

Monday, September 10th, 2007

People always ask me if I could do anything, if I had one wish what would it be?

Would it be helping starving children? Or cure Aids, or cleaning up the environment? Or maybe making the world a safer place for children?

The answer is of coarse, I’d take a shit on Rob Zombies face for his remake of Halloween.

And I have to tell you people, it’s the one time that I’d wish that I had diarrhea. Badly.

Now the truth be told I’ve kind of always hated Rob Zombie, mainly because a good friend of mine was in White Zombie, and they told me nothing but real horror stories about how he screwed just about every artist that worked for him, and everything that you contributed he owned. Kind of like those dicks over at Disney.

But now I hate him because he has ruined something that I have always liked. That being Halloween.

Now, let me help that stupid asshole if he ever gets a chance to read this letter. Next time you are ruing a good movie, and you want the killer to be badass, try having him kill innocent people.

They spent the first half hour of the movie showing a young Mike Myers and his family, and unlike the good one, done a long time ago . Rob, decided to make Mikes parents the kind of people you would want to kill. First off everyone in the movie has long hair. If that’s not stupid enough. But then his step dad is an alcoholic and curses at everyone, it’s just plain awful writing.

See in the original movie his parents weren’t important, therefore they were in the movie for two seconds. And they weren’t cruel people, they were loving parents who gave birth to a monster.

It makes my man Mike all the crazier. Because there is no reason for him to go on the killing spree, except that he is evil. See?

I won’t get into the rest of the movie. But I will say this.

Fuck you Rob Zombie. Go back to music and make a Rap album.

your pal Randy