The Cellar

October 31st, 2008

Directed by Randy:

Jaws

July 8th, 2008

Summer

My parents used to take me and my three brothers to the Jersey shore for a week mid summer. We rented a bunglao by the beach and lived the life. I remember the street names like Pelican lane or Dolphin drive, cute, simple, easy summer living. I was at the age where the look of a bikini on a teenage girl was just starting to make me feel a certain way, but not enough yet. Childhood still had me, and wasn’t letting go yet. What was infinitely more important was the walks with my brother to the store to buy some wacky pack baseball cards. Cards with drawings of goblins and creatures playing baseball or football, my ten cents buying me hours of wonder along with a brick hard slab of gum rolled in powdered sugar. Walks filed with conversations about Planet of the Apes and what we would do if it happened. How dr Zaius would actually like us, because we were different.

Jaws had just come out, ruining pools, lakes and streams for kids everywhere, not to mention the ocean. The great shark swam in the waters off of New Jersey, I knew it.

The boardwalk was the pinnacle of the trip. The big night out. Cotton Candy. The stuffed doll I would never win, and the smell of roasted peanuts. Small wooden roller coasters built in 1917, that no sane person would let their child ride, and the cool salty breeze that came in from the ocean.
I had no fear of tanned skin back then. We would play in the sun until we were caramel colored. I had no fear of anything except math and spelling.

My parents, to this day have no idea how much these little things would mean to me in my life. How much those memories would sneak in on a warm summer breeze and fill up my nostrils, and take me back even for just a few seconds. Just like those of you with kids are unaware how much of a warm summer night is going to stick in their little subconscious and wait to come out.

I hate that I don’t feel like that anymore. I live day to day in the drab world of the here and now. Bills and work and the future are on my mind. Those moments that used to fill my everyday with wonder and excitement are gone. Just small memories, that flood in and out. I know in my heart it’s why having kids is so great because they bring it back to you, and you get to hold their little hands and watch them amazed at a snail or a turtle.

I had one of those moments just a few minutes ago. I was sitting reading, and that feeling of youth and my life, and summer snuck in and nudged me. It’s why a write this. It all came back, and me sitting here remembering these things is a week attempt to hang on to it.

The great shark still swims off the coast of new Jersey, waiting for a kid to take his raft and go swimming.

Have a great Summer out there

your pal Randy

my night with Bush

May 16th, 2008

I don’t really like to talk about this, because I’m shy. But one night last year, Bush tried to fuck me.

Well, here is how it happened. I got invited to this party, it was a Hollywood fancy shmancy party. I get invited to those every now and again, because of my animation celebrity status. George Clooney was there and so was my girl Angelina and Brad. They are nice really. Well I was at the dip and I was trying to console my girl Jen, she was pissed that Brad brought you know who, and I was trying to talk her down. Jen was going to dump a whole dish of avocado on her lap and tell Brad to call her when he gets a life.

I was telling her that it’s ok, and there are new horizons, and that I’d bang Vince over Brad any day. Well in walks you know who. Carl Rove. He was all sweaty, and he had a whinny the pooh shirt on and his pants were like two sizes two tight. Well Carl was hand in hand with my boy Senator Craig and Senator Craig had on his “I fuck for Lobsters” shirt on, and I knew right away, they were looking for trouble.

I paid no attention to then, turned my back, and just kept talking to my girl Jen. Well all of a sudden, I feel this hand go right between my legs and I heard someone whisper in my ear. ” Let’s get you to the toilet.”

The next thing I knew, Carl ,Craig ,and you know who,had me in the bathroom. My head was all jammed up in a toilet, I was terrified! Now lets get something straight. I’ll fuck just about anybody, but you’ve got to get me romantic first. Throwing me down in a toilet is not it. Bushy, as he likes to be called has his thing out, and even with his erection, the cap was just barely sticking out of the pubes! It was gross.

Lucky for me, I had a diner plate stuck down the back of my pants(just in case this sort of thing happens) and his little penis hit that china plate, and oh my god you should of heard him scream!

Well as it turns out My galboy team Branjolina was in the toilet next door making those twins, and Brad, came in there and fucked shit up.

He punched Carl Rove in his tits, and he screamed and fell on his belly. Craig tried to make a run for it, and he got the plunger in the ass. He did coo like a dove for some reason. Well just then Angelina jumped in and pulled Bushes pig mask off and he ran for the hills.

it was very close. I’ve never spoken of it to anyone until now.

I love you people

your pal Randy

America the Busted

January 23rd, 2008

here we are again.

America is busted. America is so busted that they are coming up with zany schemes to get people to buy shit, it’s awesome. I’m glad. Now, I’m not glad because I like to see people suffer. That is not true. I’m glad because we fucking deserve it.

here is the rub. If you let a president steal an election, then watch your country go to war, against the rest of the worlds pleading, to watch a few people in power get even richer, and then go out and have the balls to drive a Toyota Tundra, or whatever the fuck you want to call it, and put a sticker on your huge gas guzzling truck that says “support the troops”. If you have those kinds of balls.

you should eat a little shit.

And I feel like the shit should be a little gooey. That’s all I’m saying.

If you live in a country that has a war on drugs, and sends people to jail for years and years, and you also have television commercials where they sell you drugs that can make you bleed out of your ass, and die, and they tested them, and some people in fact, bled out of their asses and died.

I think maybe, you should eat a little shit.

If any, and I mean any asshole, talks about the sanctity of life, then puts a bill “back” saying it’s ok to sell machine guns again, we were just kidding about banning them. If anyone flip iggitty ops on that one.

I think maybe it’s time to gag a little on that “cock sandwich” that you made for yourself.

Maybe I’m glad that the fucking goes the other way sometimes. I don’t know. And to watch the news and hear the debates these people have, It feels like flying back in time, and I’m watching cavemen argue about sticks. You feel like screaming at them.”YES IT’S STICKS ALREADY, MOVE ON! ARE YOU THAT FUCKING STUPID?”

Maybe if we all eat a little more shit then we already are, just a little, we won’t celebrate dumb America so hard.

your pal Randy

Cloverfield

January 21st, 2008

Dudes, there are spoilers.

I don’t know a lot. I’ve never been good at math, and to tell you the truth, I can’t spell to save my life. But I do know one thing. If one of those parasites falls off the back of a huge thing that is fucking up a city, and it bites you. You are going to pop like a fucking tick.

There are many reasons why Cloverfield fucking rules. And I know that during the film you might have wanted to yell,” hold the camera still for three seconds please”, I know me too, but then, the city started to land all over you and you started to run down the street screaming.

Ok, here goes.

Why did the Monster go to New York City? Where did It come from? Was it a scientific experiment?

who the fuck cares?

Nobody, when you are running down the street about to get fucked up.

I loved Jurassic Park, but that DNA shit, got everyone and their mothers trying to come up with some stupid logical reasons why their monster was there. It got to the point where you would have some stupid blonde at a computer terminal spitting out lines that sounded like she was reading a Star Trek script.

Here’s the deal kids. Run. That is all you need to know. And by the way, we don’t care if you hide under a bridge and love your girlfriend.

When it comes to creature effects, Tippet Studio is like one of those Frazetta paintings of Conan. The ones where there is a pile of people in pain looking up at the sky saying ‘Oh Shit!” And Conan is flying over everybody about to deliver the goods.

That shit in the subway, out standing.

You people at Tippett, if you read this, go get yourself a drink at lunch, and make it a double. Because that shit was great!

And I hope all of the fat dudes with ponytails who left the theaters saying stuff like ” well they didn’t explain why… beep borp dorp!” get hit by a bus

your pal Randy



Not to take anything away from Tippett … but I/we over here at Double Negative also worked on this. So I’m gonna slap my ass and say whoo hoo 🙂

You should, and no offence to double negative, I worked at Tippett, and I was giving a “shout out” to the people who I know personally who kick ass.

And I’m sure Double Negative is great, and so was ESC, but if you are going to talk about reasitic creature animation, Tippett and Weta rule the roost. And you can’t fuck with that.

ILM can bring out the good foot, and they do, when they have too. But most other stuff pales in comparison, in my opinion.

I worked on Spiderman 3 and you couldn’t ride that busted donkey to the bakeoff, so calm the fuck down.

I love you people

your pal Randy

Re: What are you doing here?

January 10th, 2008

I know, I love it. I love the fantasy world we live. On both sides of that coin. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and this chick is gorgeous. really, a knockout. She started dating, this dude who seems really cool, I’m happy for her. We of coarse got on the subject of sex, and in that conversation, I found out that she didn’t like porn, as a matter of fact, thought it was a little gross. “The first thought that came to my mind was. “That poor basterd.”

I mean she’s hot, so good for him, I’m sure that he is high fiving the fucking mirror, when she gets down to her underwear, I’m sure of it.

But a brother needs some porn. And he can’t share that with her. And that fucking sucks for him.

Women that I talk to about this, always shrug it off, and say that men are gross, and that their dude isn’t like that. But That’s a lie, and they know it. For one reason, How did they get that guy into a relationship?

If you don’t work in the FX industry and Darth Vader hasn’t been number one in your life from the age of twelve, If you’re an average guy, who can talk to people, you get into a relationship because the women you are with, outfucked the rest of them. I know, a little scary, but true. She may be great, she may be smart, she may like the same movies you do, but she caught you with her sex net. And what a great net that is.

Women, who act like they don’t know this, aren’t dumb, they are lying, because if you broke up with them, they would maybe take some time to get over you, and then they would bring that sex net back out in public.( These are the women that I like the most, by the way.)

Anyway, back to porn, what we men have lost, in the last fifty years is the right to be men. Men like porn, because back when we had even more hair, we were fucking everything we could. And that shit wasn’t immoral, or illegal. If you don’t believe me, go to a zoo and look at a gorilla, who has up to seven women at a time, he will look at you, and his eyes will say, “That’s right bitch!”. If you watch the news, it’s obvious that the monkeyman hasn’t dropped the rest of our “link” to the wild kingdom, so why would we have dropped that one.

So respectful, or lonely guys, do the next best thing . We look at images of women and pretend they want to blow us. It’s a fucking lie, but it works.

I mean even those uptight conservative guys are getting caught in public bathrooms for christ sake, I mean EVERYONE is lying about it.

I’ve said this before, and really, I hope this helps. If you are in a relationship, and you love her. The next time she is too tired for some action. Don’t go downstairs to the Batman console. Just start getting yourself off, right next to her, Maybe even ask if you can grab a tittie when you are ready to pop.

Ten buck says she wakes up, and you get your action, but even if she doesn’t, starting the next morning, it’s a whole new game.

What I think most women are a little cruel about, is the fact that they can go out every night ( If they wanted to) and bring home two, maybe three people. I know that they Don’t want to, but they can. We want to, and we can’t. To rub that shit in a mans face, I think is a little cruel, and what’s more, to say something like, “I don’t even want you to look at pictures of people who you aren’t fucking”, is like eating a steak in front of starving kids, you can do it, but it’s not cool.

Ugly woman are different. I just wish they weren’t ugly.

I love you people

Your pal Randy

Re: STOP THIS BILL: S.1959

December 3rd, 2007

When I opened up my hotmail. I felt a sadness. I asked, I said, “hotmail. why are you so sad?, what’s wrong?” Then I saw my inbox. And I held my inbox close, and cried with it. I told my inbox that I was sorry and that it was my fault. Then I began the arduous task of deleting. All of the emails that were titled RE: [jerky] Re: FW: STOP THIS BILL: S.1959.

Hurtful. I’m glad that I am stoned right now, because by the time one of you posted the picture of the law book, I thought I was going kill my dogs. And if it wasn’t for the mellow, great feeling of some good weed, I’d feel like my inbox….. sad.

Could you people do me a favor and spice it up a little bit? Here is my suggestion, every time you write in, and excpecially if you are going to add a picture, and your statement with the last time that you had an orgasm, so I could put it in context and not be so bored. I’ll give you an example.

“Oh, yeah?, well I think thing that, this bill if enacted into law, it could easily be used by whichever party is in power to scare, punish and silence dissent – anything that does not support the party in power and enlists others though education/information could be considered “homegrown terrorism”

and I just just jerked off to hot ebony ass, and while I write this, my cap is sticking to my underwear”

Randy.

See? wouldn’t that make it a little more fun?

Think about it, that’s all I’m saying.

Your pal Randy

Thanksgiving

November 15th, 2007

Samuel Hitches awoke with a slight feeling of dread. It was November 23rd and the farm was cold and grey. From his bed he could hear the livestock in the barn, and the smell of horse and cow, met his nostrils, reminding him of all of the things that needed to be done before the end of the day.

He got up, and the pain hit the muscles of his back also reminding him of how much work he does a day. “Sheeet” he said out loud as he stretched. What he needed was a hot bath a good breakfast, and a sip of the old juice.’ That out to do it” he said out loud again, as he got up. Just then he slumped a little, as the image of his fucking sister in law creeped into his head. “Aww fuck” he said to himself. “That bitch is coming down with those asshole kids.” The brother in law, was
alright, but that bitch made him sick. It’s not what she said, but the things she didn’t say. The way she looked down on him for marring her sister. Shit, it wasn’t the marriage as it was getting her pregnant. But Margie was a good wife and a great mother to little Timmy, and If all that Samuel had to do was get through the holidays without a fight, then that was good enough.

Samuel got under the spicket and ice cold water dumped out unto him. “Jesus. H. Christ on a God damn stick” he said, as the ice blue water cascaded over him. If that didn’t wake you up nothing would. That was some cold fucking water. “No heat this year” he though to himself, as a grim familiar tingle that ran across his belly. he just knew that bitch was going to make a comment. But then again, was it too much to have fucking hot water for his family? This year it was. maybe I should sell this dumb farm he thought, but then what? It wasn’t like he was good at anything, it wasn’t like it would be all that easy for him to get a job.

“Is there any breakfast ready?” he yelled at the stairs, putting on his overalls and snapping them shut. The realization of what he had to do today hung in the back of his mind. The turkey. Samuel was accustom to killing, it was what a farmer did. you never get too attached to the animals, had to keep little Timmy away from the damn pigs. Once he saw that stupid movie with the talking pig and the spider, it was all over.

“Is Breakfast ready?” he yelled out again, hearing nothing but farm life. he could hear the pigs and the “cluck cluck” of the turkey’s in the barn. If they only knew what was coming for them today he thought to himself and a little smile spread across his face. Not like it was funny or anything, but those damn birds are stupid. “Oh shit, the axe, I forgot to sharpen the axe!” He said out loud. Well that would have to wait until after breakfast.

Samuel slipped on his boots and clomped down the stairs. Margie must have taken Timmy to town to get whatever that stupid bitch of a sister would want for a Thanksgiving meal. probably wine or something Richie rich like that, but there had better be breakfast waiting when he got downstairs or so help me, Margie would be hiding out for the Holidays.

“Is anybody here?” he began to yell as he stepped into the kitchen, but he stopped short. the kitchen was bloodbath. pots and pans were boiling over and steam was ringing in the air. On the kitchen table was a hot cup of coffee, and sitting next to it, was a plate with Timmy’s head cut off at the neck, his eyes staring blankly at nothing. he has an ear of corn stuffed into his mouth as flies crawled and buzzed around it. Next to the table was Margie, or what was left of Margie. her head was gone and one of her arms was stuffed into the neck. It almost looked as if she was waiving to him from the floor.

“What the fuck” he said out loud, as he heard something coming up from behind him. Something big. He spun around, but took a blow to his head and darkness came over him.

When Samuel came to, he smelled the thick oder of manure all around him. He was hogtied with his arms around his back and the rope was eating into his groin. Samuel noticed that he was thrown over the cutting stump. ” What the fuck” he screamed, this time as the cluck cluck sound began to rise. He realized that he was surrounded by turkeys. they were all over scratching and pecking at him. one of the turkey even spit seed at him. “This is crazy” he said as he tried to crane his neck around to see. It was at that moment that he first saw it. From back with in the barn the shape of a huge Turkey moved. It stepped out of the dark, ducking it’s head around the eves. Samuel could not gage how big, but this was the biggest turkey he had ever seen. As it moved, the other turkey went wild, clucking and scratching and pecking at Samuel. The huge bird stepped past him and he saw the heavy blade of the axe lift up out of view.

“It’s dull” he said through spit and tears. He strained to look, to make some sort of contact with the great bird. “You don’t understand, the blade, it’s still dull” he pleaded. Tears ran down his cheeks making everything blurry, “Please”, he tried to say something, anything, as the turkeys went wild.” It wont cut…” he started to say, But then thought came to Samuel. I don’t think it cares.

Re: another way to argue the point

November 1st, 2007

Global warming, The environment, Racism.

whenever I read these emails, I get one image stuck in my mind. I see a little boy, with a kenner Darth Vader and an Obie Wan that you can’t bend at the elbows, locked away in their room, while other kids outside are playing football and actually having fun. And when I read a letter from Joseph, I see a little pre cum dripping from the head of a very small red penis.

This, is about as important as any of our conversations are. I can’t stress enough that we as a group don’t do shit about anything, except maybe work on movies that nobody wants to watch. We don’t even make them, we work on them. This means if it wasn’t for somebody to tell us we’ll get fired if we don’t get to work, we wouldn’t even do that.

The only thing that I like, scratch that, love about Joseph, is his willingness to be hated. And I love more then anything to reach in here and slap the many stupid things he comes up with. I wish he would show up to my house in the morning so I could slap him in the face while I have a cup of coffee, and I’m almost sure that he would like it. But it is illegal, I’m sad to say.

If there was any Justice, Joseph would be the only person in America that would get drafted. And I know that there isn’t a god, because no matter how much I pray, he isn’t answering that one.

I really think that it would merit any argument that we are having, if you also talked about what it is that you are doing to help anybody. At least Jason goes on a fucking Aids walk, and does something about it. Or Katie runs a marathon, which I would of loved to see her all sweaty in some tight pants and stuff. But anyway, this verbal masturbation is getting pretty beat.

It’s a cock fight with soft a soft penis

Personally, I don’t give a shit what happens. I’m too lazy. You can pave the entire planet for all I care, Bush could be president for the next fifty years, and every different race in America can go fuck themselves. I haven’t met a person that I have liked in about twenty years, so why the fuck should I care what happens to people. If Global Warming is real, that means that a whole bunch of assholes will die. Probably me too.

but one thing is for sure

I’ll be jerking off when it happens

Your pal Randy

I am tougher then all of you

September 21st, 2007

That’s a lie

I am, and always was, a big Sissy. We used to call it faggot, but that’s not appropriate anymore I guess.

The last fight I was in, was in the fourth grade, and it was with a guy named Skip Sniffen. I’m not lying about that. Anyway, I’ve always been afraid of being punched or hit, and as mad as I ever get, the most I ever want to do is maybe berate someone. When I was about twelve I shot a bird with a bb gun and upon hearing it flounder around in the woods I began to cry and haven’t hurt anything since.

This brings me to America. What the fuck is up with us? I swear to god, everyone in this country thinks they are tough, or hard. Now, I know not everyone, but I’ll put it in the same scale as people who are overweight in this country, “almost everyone”. We have turned into a bunch of fat assholes who think they are hard.

I don’t get it. What is the appeal? Really, what is it that makes us act like this? I was walking home this morning and I passed a couple of dudes older then me, that’s older then forty mind you, and they looked like they were just out of jail. So I figured that I’d give them the old “hello” as I passed by, and they looked like they had no idea what to do.

Now, to all of you women out there, I know that most of you don’t have the “tough gene”. But you do have the “drama gene”. You don’t start the fight, but you get to cry and act like a ripe tosser when the cops come and you sit on the curb and scream as your dumb boyfriend gets arrested.

I wish America would knock it the fuck off. It’s stupid. We hate everyone who isn’t American, and we actually hate everyone who is as well. There is northing to gain from being tough. I’m talking mathematically. Maybe you can act all tough and then go home and have sex with a women who likes to cry a lot, but I’m thinking that is a bit stupid too.

It’s ok when you’re fifteen if you think you’re tough, but you’re going through puberty. I can look the other way. But when you are a middle aged man, and you’re acting like you’re still going through puberty, I feel like that is a little sad.

And just to put it in perspective, if you think you’re tough, I’ll tell you who is. Jeffery Dahmer. That boy had a guys head in a lunchbox. And I think he ate the rest if it. He was actually hard.The rest of us are like people who are still wearing our halloween outfits acting like we just got our first erection.

I think it’s time for us to embrace this whole sissy thing, and maybe try and make it pleasant to walk down the street again.

Your pal Randy